I have an adult son in his 30's. He has always been troubled and has on/off problems with substance and alcohol abuse. He went to prison for hitting his pregnant ex, and has been in trouble with the police for various other crimes, almost always involving violence in some way. He has fallen out with almost all of our family members by being either physically or mentally abusive to them. He is not the kind of influence I want around my younger children, in fact, if he weren't my son I wouldn't like him at all. Recently he has fallen out with yet another partner and is blaming it all on them, as usual, refusing to accept any responsibility. He keeps phoning me and complaining about it and, I think, expecting me to pick up the pieces (he really doesn't have much contact with me most of the time and I'm not going to say I don't like it that way). Problem is it takes a lot of time and energy to deal with and I'll be honest, I just don't want to. I think at his age he should be accepting some responsibility for himself and looking at the situation objectively and making some changes. He has had lots, and lots of professional help from a broad spectrum of services, including probation and domestic violence courses.
I have tried talking to him and explaining that he can't treat people the way he does but he just gets angry and he is quite frightening when he gets like that. I want to be able to help him but am really unsure how to go about this while keeping him at a safe distance.
Does anyone have any advice for me? Have you been through something similar and can share what worked for you?
Many thanks for taking the time to read this, probably confusing and fragmented piece.