How to deal with my 19 year old son

[JulieMQ]

Hi

I am not sure whether I am seeking advice or just some support and someone to tell me I am not the worst mother in the world?

In a nutshell myself and my husband separated 10 years ago. I have always been so close to my son who is 19 until the last 12 months when he has just become grumpy, rude, verbally abusive and just secretive.

In July this year, me and my ex discovered he had managed to accumulate £20k+ of debt in 12 months. He is on an apprenticeship and earns a decent salary but he had been spending money and lying to both me and my ex about where it was coming from, basically playing us off against the other.

We found out about the debt and tried to speak to him about it and he reacted very, very badly and since then I have been on a roller coaster with him. He told us he was organising a DMP but 4 letters from debt collectors today has shown that to be a lie. He has opened and ignored a parking ticket meaning he now owes them double, I kept asking him to sort it out and he literally ignores the messages. He even has a criminal conviction now for not paying a train fare because he opened the letters and just ignored them. My mind boggles.

I have tried to offer him support, emotionally and practically, offered to help him with budgeting and his Dad even paid some of the debt off (mainly a payday loan) but he really doesn't seem to care. We care more than he does. The one thing I have stood by is that I cannot pay off his debts for him as I am not doing him any favours. He shows little gratitude to his Dad who is significantly out of pocket after paying some debts off for him.

I have tried to ignore the letters and not nag him, but I then find them unopened in the bin. I really don’t want debt collectors turning up at the house and I now find myself dreading the post being delivered. I feel like I live in a permanent state of anxiety whilst he’s off spending money and not caring? I try to sit and talk to him and he just refuses and slams the door on me.

In the last few months the way he talks to me has deteriorated, he swears at me often, talks to me like I am something he trod in and loses his temper so quickly. I dread him coming home because I don’t know what mood he will be in and I cannot believe that his behaviour is upsetting us all so much. My new husband has so far been patient and let me try to deal with it and not interfere but even he has said he cannot stand back and listen to him be so rude to me day in day out. My concern is that if my husband steps in, my son has so little respect he will just be rude to him. At the end of the day me and my husband own this house together and we are being dictated to by a 19 year old and I just don’t know how this happened?

I agreed that, to try and help him get back on his feet I would let him live here rent free - he is so ungrateful and replied that he shouldn't have to pay anyway!

I don't want us to become estranged from each other but I also feel like after 12 months of being patient with him and offering him support, I am at the end of my tether and I feel he has to face up to his problems and I need to let the creditors deal with his debt instead of me worrying about it?

I know that we cannot carry on like this and that I need to leave but I am scared to do this. I am so worried about him and if he will do something stupid and I don’t want him to feel abandoned but I am running out of options. Both me and his Dad stood up to him a few weeks ago and said he couldn’t stay at either of ours due to his awful attitude, and he returned with his tail between his legs promising to be different - this was all yet another lie.

He has such a bright future ahead of him, all I want to do is help him resolve these problems now so that he can just live his life and enjoy it but he is ruining my life at the moment! Am I a terrible mother asking him to leave?

Any helpful advice would be very much appreciated. Sorry for the ramble.

The problem now is his credit rating is ruined for the next 6 years, so he wont be able to rent his own place

He needs to speak to someone like Stepchange for help with the debt

And you should start charging him rent - even if its to save it up for him to put towards the debt later

smoking weed?

I’d be looking hard for a reason for this apparent change in personality.
Have you worked out where all the money has actually gone? £20k is huge amount of money for a person in his circumstances.
Drink, drugs or gambling addiction would be my fear.

Where has the 20k gone to? A change and attitude like you describe sounds like drugs to me tbh. I think getting to the bottom of the why will lead to a way forward

He ran it all up on credit cards and it is totally apparent he has been living a lavish lifestyle. He has been to New York, bought a car, his wardrobe is full of Ralph Lauren clothes, brand new Apple Mac laptop, phone, various gadgets - in my opinion he has spent it on living way way beyond his means. He is randomly drug tested at work for his job so I am hoping it isn’t drugs although I appreciate I don’t know this to be completely true, I can only hope. I have considered gambling as his Dad and him have done some online betting but I can’t find any other evidence. He refuses to speak to me about where it has all gone.

He split from his girlfriend in July and his behaviour deteriorated then really. I think he spent a lot of money on her from what I have since found out - £400 meals out! I think he is really embarrassed we know that he has spent all this money and lied to us and he hides this by just being vile and refusing to engage with us.

He tells me he has spoken to Stepchange but this has been going on since August so I don’t believe him.

I am at my wit’s end with him. I am hoping that by not enabling him and making a stand it might force him to stop being so irresponsible but having tried to do this previously I just cave when he is nice to me and I try to believe him, just to be disappointed again.

sounds really tough - sending you lots of love

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I think he needs to have a conversation with either you or your ex husband and be completely honest about what has happened so he can get help for whatever addiction has caused the debt to build in the first place and make a viable plan for it to be paid off. You, your ex h and your son need to be in agreement over the plan.

Sorry crossed post

Just thinking about the drugs thing - I know he has no access to money now aside from his wage and no one in the family is lending him any either and so if he had a habit I don’t know how he’d be funding it now outside his salary. He is still going out with his friends at weekends and returning home with clothes he has bought (that he doesn’t need). The friends he spends time with are nice lads who he’s been friends with - not saying that they don’t take drugs but he hasn’t changed group of friends either?

I did ask his ex-girlfriend if he had a drink/drugs problem and she said not, she had a very firm line re drugs/addiction because of her dad. She told me she believes he has just spent it on buying nice things - he had a massive TV at her house which we had no idea about and he also paid for New York in a very posh hotel - he told us they paid it between us and he used his birthday money. Basically he just lies anyway so who knows?

IMHO he changed when he started to see her as they were very very intense for a year and he went from being at home to virtually living with her. She was lovely but I am not sure it was the healthiest relationship for either of them.

well, grounds to hope and expect its not drugs then, which is at least one very good thing

He could sell alot of the clothes and tech to help pay it off.

IMO all adult children should pay their way or else they are being infantalised.

If he is not paying a fair rent and contribution to the bills then IMO he has no real right to be treated as an adult. (Splitting equally).

Adults have responsibilities as well as privilege. Children don't.

Is he responsible for his own washing, cooking, clearing up etc? Realistically he should also cook for you if you cook for him.

You might need to transition him to adulthood as he is not got to do it himself - why would he?

You’d think wouldn’t you - his wardrobe is worth a small fortune but he refuses to do this. He basically doesn’t seem to care or have any intention at all in paying it back - which is what I find so so disappointing. Me and my ex have offered him our support and haven’t shouted, just tried to help but he is totally ignoring the situation. I feel quite embarrassed by him as well as sad about it all.

Yep he should sell items to pay the debt

Prior to this he was paying board, but I said we could put a temporary pause to this while he sorted his money out, thinking that he’d set up a DMP, seemingly he’s just been spending any board I let him off instead of paying it off debt.

He does his own washing when he can be bothered to and I leave him to do his own room. He spends most of the weekend with his friends who are at university at the moment and so he is only here during the week and works 8-6 so I rarely see him, when I do he is vile 🙄 When he is nice he offers to cook, which is a rarity.

I think he definitely needs to move out. Then you support him, but at arms length. Plus that support is as an adult, not infantalising him.

The focus then becomes - how do you get him out? Because he won't want to go (and I doubt you want to do it by force), but it us necessary. Plus he will struggle to get a rental agreement. This would be what I'd focus on figuring out

You’re going to have to spell it out to him, OP.

If his bills are going to debt collection agencies, eventually someone’s going to come round to take his stuff if he doesn’t do something. How’s he planning to deal with this situation?

You’re not going to give them your possessions (gather up receipts now and have them to hand to prove ownership), HE’ll have to let them take his Apple Mac, etc. If he’s got a car, that’ll be the first thing to go.

If he won’t listen, it may be that he’ll have to experience this to realize that he can’t ignore the situation. It’s horrible for you, OP. 💐

I have spoken to my husband this morning and I have also asked his Dad if he can stay with him. If necessary I will pack his clothes and drop them off at his Dad's, I feel he needs to see I am serious and that things need to change but based on past experience I am not naive enough to think this will happen overnight and I need to try and be firm with him. Easier said than done I suppose!

After a lot of thought I gave him a choice on Friday that he either came home with various conditions including sorting out his DMP and being more respectful or he would have to move out. He chose the latter. Apparently why should he live by rules in his Mum’s house?

He has decided to go and live with his Dad. Fortunately his Dad is totally on board with my approach and has made it clear that if he goes there that he has to do a DMP.

Apparently the environment at my house has stopped him from doing this but he can do it at his dad’s. I do love his constant excuses and shifting the blame.

I don’t believe the false promises he’s made to his Dad but hopefully he’ll make more progress than I have? It is his partner’s home and I know she’ll expect him to pay rent, it’s a considerable drive from his work and he has never got on with her - I suspect he will soon realise that his actions have had consequences and not living in a place where he has considerable freedom is one of those. I do hope he sorts himself out, but I feel I really need some head space and his Dad to take it on for now. I just need a night’s sleep without worrying about him.

He’s even tried to say he’s been sleeping in his car since Friday but my daughter knows he’s been staying at his friends in their uni halls. He is very manipulative.

I feel very guilty but I do think I’ve done the right thing. Part of me worries me and him will never reconcile but I’m trying not to let things run away in my head and not message him

Don't worry too much about complete estrangement. He's got a lot of growing up to do and one day he will see what an idiot he's been.

The thing is that he won't like it at his dad's and he will try to come back, but you have to stop that happening otherwise it'll just be the same thing all over again.

Well done, OP. It’s great that you and his Dad are on the same page, I think that your DS will soon realize that he needs to address this-he’s being immature and he needs to grow up fast re. his finances. Best of luck. 💐

@JulieMQ well done. Just don't buckle when he realises his dads is no quick fix. And enjoy your peace :)

Looking for advice regarding 20 yo son. He just seems to have very little motivation to do anything. He has a job which he gets up and goes to everyday and he enjoys but he spends nearly all his weekends in his room either in bed or talking to friends on computer. He doesn’t want to spend any time with his family and seems to have little interest in other people. He is somewhat socially awkward and will generally avoid coming downstairs if we have people round. He will be polite and say hello but that’s as far as it goes. When I ask him why he won’t join in or engage his answer is that he hates small talk. He doesn’t appear to be depressed as I hear him laughing and joking with friends on his computer and when I’ve talked to him about this he just says he’s happy as he is, being alone. Initially we thought this might be a post covid isolation thing but it doesn’t seem to be getting any better and I’m worried he will become a recluse. He has some aspirations in that he is saving for his own place - ‘so that he can be alone’ Advice please!

@Gin71 is there anything wrong in that? He is socialising just not the way you want him too. He is working. I can't see the issue. Perhaps he prefers his own company? We aren't all cut from the same cloth..