I would really appreciate some wisdom regarding my DS1, aged 25, nearly 26. I'm so sorry at how long this is, I don't know how to condense.
He lives with me, DH (stepdad), DD 12, DS2 10. He has a degree 2:1 in a non vocational literary subject and has only had 1 temporary job. He scraped through GCSEs and A-Levels and it was only really some phoning around and negotiating by me and interviews with him that got him into 6th form and university. His 1st year at uni he was in halls and he was totally miserable and avoided his flat mates, just hiding away in his room.
Background information to avoid drip feeding:
He is highly likely to be autistic with pathological demand avoidance (PDA). I only started to realise this as DS reached his 20s and my younger DC were ND. DD is autistic, DS2 shows strong signs too. As per my NC, I was only 17 when DS1 was born; this, plus my own probable ND, I'm sure, were factor's in me not seeing it.
Looking back, I think 2 other parents tried to hint to me that he was autistic, 1 friend with an autistic child and the parent of an autistic friend of DS. At the time, I was confused, as I thought both of their DC were completely 'normal' and much nicer than most of his other classmates. DH has been around since he was 7. DS isn't seeing his dad at the moment, but he was around on and off through his childhood.
DS is showing no signs of wanting to start his own life. He is claiming UC and going to the job centre every couple of weeks. Due to the PDA, anything DH and I suggest, work, leisure or education is a definite no, even if it it is something he might have been interested in.
He is currently NC with his dad, his best friend dropped him around the time they went to university. He started to hang out more with another old school friend, who very sadly died in an accident part way through university.
He had a lovely girlfriend for 2 years in 6th form, but he really let her down with social anxiety and selfish behaviour. He can't forgive himself for it and says that he will never have a romantic relationship.
It is hard to get him to even wash and wash his clothes and bedding as regularly as we would like. He is great with his siblings and always on hand for babysitting or collecting in an emergency.
DH and I really need some tips, advice, signposting from anyone with a bit of knowledge with PDA on what we can do to help him start his own life. There is lots more to add, but this is an essay, so I'm happy to answer any questions. Thank you.