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22 year old sons unacceptable behaviour and attitude - need some advice please

8 replies

Nettie131023 · 13/10/2023 12:09

Hi
My son is 22, we've always got on really well and I thought we had a really good relationship but he's always struggled with motivation at school but now that he's working he has days where he just can't be bothered to go in, which is causing issues.
He's borderline ADHD and also can have quite bad low mood on occasions. I've always stuck up for him and as a family we got through school and college (just about) but every day was a struggle.
His attitude over the last year or so has changed, I know he's taken cocaine before because I found it, he said it was just a one off, I don't know if I believe him or not.
When he was younger I could get him up and out to school but now he towers above me and he just decides that some days that he's "not going to go to work because he doesn't want to".... My husband and I have worked full time since the age of 16, I just don't know where he gets the attitude from - it stinks.
It's got to the point where we really argue with him about it, he's going to end up losing his job but all he does it laugh at me which is so hurtful.
We argue so much that I feel like I want him to move out, he makes me cry and finds that amusing and as much as I love him with all my heart I can't continue to let him treat me the way he does.
He's even got punchy with his dad when things have come to blows.
I've always helped him out financially but that's stopped now and I've moved any bills that I was paying over to his account so things like his phone will soon stop if he doesn't have any money to pay for them - I'm hoping that will be a valuable lesson for him,
Has anyone else had any similar situations ? please tell me it gets better ?

I feel like an absolute mug right now because I've done everything for him in the past - so I've probably caused the whole situation.
Sorry, I'm not even really sure why I'm here telling you all about my issues but I just wanted to express how i'm feeling somewhere.
thank you for listening

OP posts:
TheOccupier · 13/10/2023 12:11

Why haven't you asked him to move out?

Nettie131023 · 13/10/2023 12:13

I have asked him to move out. He won't go, I think he thinks I'm joking.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 13/10/2023 12:22

It's not your job to get him out to work.

Sounds like you have already started to drop the rope because you've moved bills over to his account.

It's his problem to manage his workplace. Maybe he'll get sacked, maybe he won't but either way it's his problem not yours.

Detach.

Let him fail a few times at some stuff and he'll soon work it out.

If you think it's time for him to move out then sit down with him and start making plans - look at spare room.com or Rightmove.

burntoutnurse · 13/10/2023 12:25

There's no such thing as borderline adhd.

I have had similar. My almost 22 year old now lives elsewhere and has done for 2 years.

He's an adult. Time to be one.

MattDamon · 13/10/2023 12:33

Give him a choice: you will pay for a deposit on a flatshare for him or he can sort it out himself. Either way, he has to be out of the house within 3 months. Him staying is not an option.

Stomacharmeleon · 13/10/2023 13:21

I am afraid I agree. The 'borderline adhd smacks of you making excuses for him. I have three boys and there are non negotiables... class a drugs being one of them. Also his poor dad...why are you putting up with this?

You have to detach and let him fail. Also give him a timeline.... give him his notice in effect. None of us should have to live in abusive relationships because we have the misfortune to be related to them. Put yourself and your husband first.

Hopefully it will make him grow up a bit.

muchalover · 13/10/2023 13:43

Has he had an assessment for ADHD? All of my kids are ADHD and two are medicated. As adults they have to work hard to organise themselves but know they cannot use this as an excuse. Others have their own challenges too.

Taking class A drugs, assaulting anyone let alone family, relying on others to facilitate his life at 22 is not acceptable. He needs to fail.

I think you might drop responsibility for everything, meaning he needs to provide his own food, do his own laundry etc. But ultimately he needs to stand on his own two feet and move out.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 17/10/2023 16:09

Has he been assessed for ADHD @Nettie131023 and what led to that assessment?

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