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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

I really don’t want to feel this way..

15 replies

ShannonaGala · 02/10/2023 21:10

My adult DD 23 and I have very little in common. She dresses very very casual, jeans, t shirt and throws on any old jacket. She never really bothers with her hair and recently had it cut. It doesn’t really suit her but I’d never say anything negative to her about it. She’s very sloppy in the way she does things, more like a young adult male than a female. Her bedroom is never tidy but I keep out of it. She’s not very feminine at all. I feel everything she is, I’m not and vice Versa. We suspect she’s on the autistic spectrum as she can be to the point. A couple of times she has hurt my feelings by being so direct.

I will always want the best for my daughter, but how do I let go of my expectations of her? I don’t want to feel this way, but I do and often feel a bit envious of mothers and daughters who go out together, ie shopping, days out knowing we will never do this.

OP posts:
Fifireee · 02/10/2023 21:14

Can you find any common ground and build from that? A walk? Exhibition? Meal? Cinema? Something you both enjoy?
Maybe she's very unhappy.

DustyLee123 · 02/10/2023 21:19

My DD got a boyfriend and all the days out we had stopped. I miss her, but she has to live her life her own way

CherrySocks · 02/10/2023 21:35

I think my mother probably felt a bit like this with me. I wasn't the sort of girl / woman she could really relate to. I didn't like feminine things, I wasn't interested in domesticity, I hated going shopping with her. I'm not sure that there is a solution really. She is who she is and you are who you are.

TiredMamOfTwo · 02/10/2023 21:39

Maybe stop judging her so negatively and you'd have a better relationship to start with.

ShannonaGala · 02/10/2023 21:50

@Fifireee There is a TV show we both like so do watch that together.
She’s not unhappy, quite the opposite. It’s so nice to see her like this, if I’m honest,

OP posts:
wouldbeus · 02/10/2023 22:18

I had nothing in common with my mum at that age Op and rarely saw her. How I'm in my 30's we are really close. I think with age we find more common ground. I imagine it is sad for you.
Just make sure you never look at her with disdain and keep opinions about her to yourself, which it sounds like you're doing anyway.
Hopefully she will warm to you in time.

BHRK · 02/10/2023 22:22

Just keep trying to find little things that keep you connected.. cooking a meal together, watching tv or films you both like, reading a book. It doesn’t matter how she dresses if she is happy. You are doing the right thing not being negative. Try and stay positive and tell her about her lovely qualities. You may grow closer as you get older

IthinkIamAnAlien · 02/10/2023 22:49

You can let her know in a kind of snide, passive aggressive way, probably you already do that and you think she doesn't notice, then she'll spend the rest of her life feeling guilty and you can go to your grave satisfied and smug.

Parlourgames · 02/10/2023 22:59

Find what common ground you do have - the things you enjoy doing together. There must be something.

you just have to try very very hard not to mind about the things you clearly do mind about in your differences..

Secondwindplease · 02/10/2023 23:09

Sorry OP but I think internalised misogyny has really done a number on you. Your daughter seems more comfortable in her own skin. I wonder if you can take heart from that?

Mary1234567 · 02/10/2023 23:14

I am confused why the way she dresses and her tidy bedroom are important factors when it comes to having a friendship. I’m wondering what is behind this at a deeper level. Because surely you can have good friendships with masculine people too? Or messy people? Friendships are based on so much more than this so I am curious that you highlighted these things as the reasons why you don’t get along

Seeline · 03/10/2023 10:11

Surely you can go to the cinema/pub/gallery/museum/football match with someone wearing jeans!!

I think you have some very muddled thinking going on - I live in jeans, virtually never wear makeup, and am really untidy. I think I have an awful lot in common with other women......

bunhead1979 · 03/10/2023 10:26

She doubtless knows how you feel about her which isn't going to help. Stop being so disappointed in her just because she is not like you- she is not "wrong". You need to let go of the expectations you hold and look at her for who she is, you have time to pull this back. What does she like to do, do that. For YEARS I watched my teenage sons playing computer games, it bored me to tears but it gave us time together and helped our relationship grow, they knew I cared about them and we had good chats, it laid good foundations for adult relationships.

Cheeesus · 03/10/2023 10:30

When you say ‘days out, ie shopping’, do you only want to shop with her or is there anything else you could do?

I took my 13 year old son shopping at the weekend, we went to a farmer’s market and bought him a plant, then looked round charity shops and I got a cook book. We considered buying an ornament to resell. So you can go ‘shopping’ with not a girlie girl too. But is there nothing else you would do?

WandaWonder · 03/10/2023 10:34

Why should she act a certain way because she is female?

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