Lazy stepkids

[yesithinkido]

This is it really. How do I make them do more?
I have 4 stepkids. Live with us full time.
I'm slowly losing the will to live the amount of tidying and cleaning I am doing.
Oldest is 23 - he thinks that because he does the bins he is exempt from even washing a (his) cup even..
Next one is 22, she does as little as possible - won't even Hoover the mess her cats have made all over the landing.
16 yr old is very helpful.
14 is typical 14 yr old and will do stuff eventually if I ask. With moaning but hey ho.
22 yr old left the house this morning after I'd had a meltdown last night
Background: I cook almost every night. They all choose to eat at different times so I end up coming down at 10pm to - empty pans in the kitchen and a full sink even though the dishwasher needs emptying.
We came home last night after a evening out (i'd cooked for everyone before we'd gone) and the kitchen was awful.
So me and dad ended up cleaning the whole kitchen at 23.00 even though I'd left it pretty neat and cooked for everyone.

The 22 yr had done half a job on hoovering the stairs of cat hair and when I said the landing was still full of cat hair she replied that I'd not asked her to do that... fml.
This morning dad said and asked - the 2 older ones need to help out more - at least 30 mins a day. Even a towel wash would be helpful - but instead they like to save them up on the bathroom floor. Together with dirty undies ...

She also said 'why should I do anything as you do nothing' to dad. He ended up telling her to duck off and move out then.. which he then feels awful about but she is so ungrateful.
He's literally built us a home during the past 2 years. He will sometimes work an 18 hour day and then crash the next day and chill in bed for a couple of hours. The crash is what she sees. She figuratively attacked me on what's app last week when I asked her to unload the dishwasher. It's unbelievable.

How do I get these old teenagers to do things to help out? I don't even need them to move out I just want them to act more responsibly.
Their mum is disabled so they can't live with her. They have literally no savings. They like to go out every weekend.

I'm struggling to even think straight at the moment. Menopause is not being kind to me 🙈 kind and helpful responses would be appreciated. Tia

I would sit them all down and have a calm, rational talk about fairness and sharing out of chores. Explain that Dad works long hours and so doesn‘t have as much time for chores, but everyone needs to pull their weight in some form.

I know they‘re adults/teens, but a chore chart (figuratively perhaps rather than a sticker chart!) might be an idea:

Everyone tidies up their own mess
Child 1: bins, 1 load of washing on a Monday, hoovers on a Thursday etc
Child 2: cat hair, hoovers on a Saturday... and so on.

But you need a calm conversation, not a shouting at one at a time randomly, because they‘ll only ignore you! You could also point out that if they lived on their own, they would have to do all the chores, all of the time, so it might be worth considering they‘re on to a good thing at yours.

I’m not sure what you can do as have no experience in this.

A maybe silly idea has popped into my head in that you can charge the 24 and 22yr old for their keep, say £400/mo and then say they’d get a £50/mo discount off that if they do the following household chores every day/week. Then list the chores and expectations. Expectations would be like rinse off dirty dishes and put in the dishwasher. Put dirty towels and undies in a laundry hamper instead of bathroom floor. Chores can be hoover up the cat hair every day. Cook a dinner once a week.

That way even if you are doing it all, at least you are getting paid a bit extra for it.

The younger teens are likely copying the older ones but you could apply same concept to pocket money where they get a bit extra if they’ve done all the chores.

I would do some rent a room research and ask them to come view a couple explaining you absolutely do not want them to move out but would like to show them how others their age are living and what is expected of a house share.....cleaning rotas, no crap left in the rest of the house etc
I'd buy them a washing basket for their rooms and tell them it's their job to do their washing and they can do it on....
Discuss expectations like you're old enough to take turns in cooking and washing up if you're not willing I am not cooking for you and you can do your own which do you prefer this also means leaving the kitchen clean.
Cat ...clean the cat hairs every X days or we will need to consider rehoming ...assuming it's her cat not one that she had as a child.
Do they pay rent? I'd expect some thing even if I saved it for their futures.

Thanks for these ideas. Really appreciate them. The older 2 pay 250 a month and that covers all their food /packed lunches/ rent/ utilities etc.
Daughter buys catfood. As they are her cats bought in and before lockdown.
They have a laundry hamper in their rooms but do bulk washing every couple of weeks so it means they use the dryer instead of the clothes drying rack.
23 yr olds room absolutely stinks of Dirty mouldy clothes.

So you suggest a Rota With chores. We have tried it in the past but they are so sneaky about getting away with it that I lose the will to live chasing them to do it.

Keep up the advice please!

Stop thinking of them as “old teenagers” for a start. The older two are adults, in their twenties, and you’re treating them like children. I don’t know why you don’t want them to move out, they’re taking the piss massively.

I mean, if they are earning enough you could converse with the adults as they are like housemates and talk about jointly funding a cleaner to come into the house? Say they’d pay 25% of cost each and you pay 50% of cost of a cleaner.? Is that affordable? It would be on top of the £250 a month they already pay you.

I was just thinking that even if you do a rota, you said they just ignore it and you end up chasing them and then likely going fuck it and doing it yourself. That’s just more stress and resentment.

If they aren’t going to do the work, maybe they’d be willing to pay an extra £50 a month each for a cleaner once a week?

I agree with sitting down calmly and talking to them with DH leading the conversation.

The older two can't move into their DM's home but they can definitely move out if they don't want to tidy up their current home.

My DF laminated the Organised Mum Method chores and stuck them up. If the chores weren't done by the time she got in from work, she started getting forgetful over her chores like the food shopping and cooking tea.