18 year old DS with ADHD

[Duchessofmuchness]

Seeking some help from those who parent an adult DC with ADHD or an adult with ADHD as I'm not sure where to turn and how best to help DS. It was easier when he was younger/at school as we were more involved and aware of deadlines etc and school also told us if things going awry.

DS now has left school and just started an art foundation for a year at local college 3 days a week and works in pub a couple of days/evening on shift.

He displays all the classic ADHD behaviours - can hyper focus but if he isn't he is paralysed and just watches scrolling tik toks on his phone/spends all day in bed (with curtains closed).
He is frequently 10 mins late for work, college etc as has no idea that time is passing and he's late - we have to constantly nag and chase him out the door or he'd be even later.
He has leant to drive (but not passed test) which at 17 he was super keen on and couldn't wait ( instructor said no point in more lessons until he booked test) but he hasn't booked the theory or done anything to prepare in spite of 12 weeks summer hols. I used to take him out to practise but he hasn't asked in months so let the insurance lapse. He doesn't seem bothered anymore.
He's got college work to do - nothing urgent yet but he's meant to do some every week and has done a hour or so but nothing to show for it ( he's meant to write down what he's done)
He refuses to share anything with us - about what he's doing or what he's got to do for college
He's hopeless with money. If he has money he spends it all. He says he wants to go to Australia and also have a skiing trip over next year. I suggested to him opening a savings account and moving his earnings to that but he shut me down. He earned £1000 last month but says he'd like to buy some clothes ( brands I won't buy) so he'll likely spend it all on clothes, a few nights out, Ubers etc.

He's been asked to research uni as that's what he wants to do so he said - reminded him yesterday that he should check open days and he got angry and shut me down
He says he'd like to play club hockey. Reminded him this week that season has started so if he's interested he should check it out. But he hasn't so that won't happen.

His executive function is v poor - has no concept of time . So sadly it's not that he doesn't want to do these things but more that he has no idea that everything has a window of time and if he doesn't do anything about it time will have passed.

His modus operandi is to shut us down and refuse to discuss anything. He gets immediately angry or says "I know" or "no I don't need to do x,yz'. He displays real signs of stress and being overwhelmed at the smallest question but it's not that he's doing anything important when being asked. He's usually on his phone.

I could just leave him to fail but that seems so cruel and bad for his mental health. He won't have anything planned for next year college/job, he won't have savings to travel, he won't have a qualification to show for the year.

He takes concerta on a college day but nothing otherwise. College know he has ADHD but I doubt if he's asked for any support. He would shut me down if I asked him about it. He refused help from SEND team at school in last 2 years

He's immature and naive about how the world works. Says he's an adult si can do what he likes but displaying very few adult behaviours.

I neither know how to help him or help myself and DH. I understand it's not deliberate on his behalf (DH less sympathetic which has its own issues and means rather than argue/nag he's just withdrawn from the situation. He's of practical help but no emotional support to me on this. Lots of eye rolling and huffing and puffing about DS being late, chaotic, etc but no real understanding about what the cause is.)

I'm at a loss what to do to help DS when he refuses to discuss anything or to protect my own mental health. I'm living with a pit of anxiety dealing with it all.

I think I need some resources and support for me but I don't know where to turn. And have no idea if it will ever be possible to guide DS to a more productive space

I have a 19yo DS with inattentive ADHD (and ASD too, just to compound the challenges! just starting his second year at uni. He has many of the challenges you describe your DS having and it is a constant worry.

I don't know if this is of any use but one thing I have realised over the years with DS is that saying things like 'remember you need to start researching XYZ' or 'don't forget to do Y' is counterproductive - as you describe, all it does is trigger immediately defensive behaviour, makes them feel completely overwhelmed and nothing gets achieved.

However, I have found with my DS that if I phrase my words differently and present something as a task we'll do together, I can get his buy in, and progress gets made. He needs a lot of support to get started on something.

So for example with uni research there would have been literally no point in saying 'DS, you need to start looking at unis and potential open days'. He would have immediately gone into overwhelmed-head-in-sand mode. So instead I kept it very low key and non-confrontational and suggested we sit down together one evening, and perhaps have a look at the UCAS website, have a hot chocolate, and maybe make a list of possible places to visit. Almost presenting things as a shared task, if you like. Once I could get him to sit down with me, he started getting enthusiastic, lists were written, open days were booked and so on and so on. But none of that would have happened independently.

It does feel like hand holding to a certain extent (which of course it is) but young adults like ours simply do need more support even if they don't want to admit it.

I wish I had proper advice, I don't know what the answer is really but I do find with DS that trying to be collaborative rather than confrontational does help a little.

@Fidelius thank you for your reply which as an indication of how I'm coping brought tears to my eyes. DS does have a lot going for him but it's all so close to unraveling at any time. And his college course will only be of use to him if he does some work. I can't imagine how he's going to be able to go to uni and get on ok.

He doesn't like taking the meds but recognises he needs them for college wok. He doesn't take them on work days either. He rarely gets up before 2pm unless there is a reason so he couldn't take them . He has medikinet as a top up or half day option so might suggest to him that he tries that.

I feel same way that we need to help him as this is a real disability. DH is more of the opinion that " let him fail" as though that will somehow snap him out of it. He says this without ever having read up about his diagnosis, what he's dealing with or what might help. All he knows about it is what we were told years ago when he was diagnosed as a young teen.

The only thing that seems to work is when I totally lose it - we have a screaming argument and then DS will sometimes act. That or a pressing deadline. That's what makes me so sad - he wants to do well but just can't

@FlyingPandas tha k you and good to hear your DS going into send year.

You describe so well what happens with my reminders and gentle suggestions. I try so hard not to nag! I will try the collaboration approach - that sort of worked when he was younger. He's more resistant now as he thinks he's an adult so should be able to do everything himself. I'm going to see if can do that on the ucas stuff as you suggest.

If he was open to talking it would be easier but he protects himself by shutting every conversation down. I used to have success chatting in car or while cooking but it's like he's onto me and now shuts me down at every turn.

I posted a thread about my adult DS and not really able to provide advice but you're not alone.

i find this interesting "The only thing that seems to work is when I totally lose it - we have a screaming argument and then DS will sometimes act. That or a pressing deadline"

we don't shout but haven't had a reason to, but interesting that it helped.

I have recently been wondering what happened to these young men before the internet. It's so easy to lose hours scrolling online. That in turn makes me wonder if your DH is right. Do we have to let them fail, leave home, get UC and try to get housed.

i am no further on than when I posted but DS is late for college most days, sleeps a lot and eats junk food. He still won't take meds.

there's a fine line between collaboration and enabling.

I think you have a much bigger problem than you realise and it's how damaging your "D"H'a behaviour and words are. If he wants any kind of future relationship with DS he needs to understand him better and stop being so negative. I would remind "D"H every single time that DS has a diagnosis and it is him that's being unreasonable, not DS.

I haven't seen Fudelius' posts but like Flying we've had some success with Body Doubling. So showing that you are on their side and not criticising is really, really important. He already struggled with motivation and quite probably lack of self-esteem and sensitivity to any perceived criticism.

Very much like Flying we would say things like "tomorrow night I'll cook those Burritos that I know you like and then we can sit down together for an hour and look at some open days?*.

It might take him a few offers to actually take you up on it.

If you do get him to sit down with you, don't expect him to know what to do either. You might have to start a notebook or spreadsheet yourself and ask him to help.

The Higher Education Board is usually very helpful but with DS we discussed over tea whether he'd like a Campus or a City Uni and it turned out he really didn't know the difference so we went to walk around a lovely campus Uni that's not too far away in a sunny Sunday afternoon. Think that the students were sitting in the grass and chatting and everyone seemed happy helped him to focus a little.

Then he'll need to look at entry requirements.

You probably know all of this already but I think the point I'm trying to make is that he probably doesn't know any of it and is feeling very overwhelmed and needs it breaking down for him and some serious Body Doubling techniques from you whilst he goes through it all.

If you've not checked it out already, do come on over to the SN Section. There are some lovely, helpful MNers in there