Opinions on my parenting

[selectandfind]

I have a 20yo son, my only child. His father and I split 14 years ago and whilst contact was maintained, the lions share of everything fell on me. My son is a popular man, smart, lots of friends of all ages and is fun to be around.

I've been in a relationship for 7 years and now we all live together.

My personality is nurturing, be that towards family, friends, work colleagues or strangers and I'm considered a generous and dependable person - that is others peoples account of me. My partner is more reserved and not as generous with time or money as I am, not as thoughtful. I'm fine with that.

My partner's parents are very different to mine in approach and if I'm honest I don't have much admiration for his father, though I'm cordial.

My son is training to be a pilot. It's expensive but he's saved and worked and has the costs of his private pilots licence covered plus a quarter of his commercial training so far. To facilitate this he lives rent free - I can afford to support him. He's working full time whilst he grows his training fund and gets in a position to be able to borrow for some of it. I have a good monthly income which helps me support him but not a big enough savings pot to be able to give him any lump sum towards training as yet.

My partner is critical and says I'm not doing my son any favours, first by not taking rent (no cost impact on my partner at all) and also by "coddling" him. For example, his lovely girlfriend is coming round tonight and at lunchtime whilst prepping dinner for my partner and me I made a pot of bolognese for their dinner to reheat. I enjoy doing things like that, it's doesn't put me out at all. I work full time from home.

My son could absolutely make the bolognese, or other pasta, he could grill some burgers, make a stir fry. All basic stuff but at his age I couldn't make a thing. My partner challenges with "he'll never learn to stand on his own two feet". My view is that he's doing ok on that front. I mean, he can fly and land a plane solo. Any skills he lacks, he'll learn out of necessity over time.

He can be messy and my son and I did have a row last night over his room and he really does need to do better on that front.

I've told my partner that my personality is what it is and I'm not going to start doing less for my son than I would anyone else in life. I feel in some ways he's jealous. I've told him to stop comparing his upbringing to my son's. By the way, there is nothing I do for my son domestically that I don't also do for my partner.

I'm not really sure why I posted, I'm unlikely to change my parenting style, so this is just a vent!

Yes it does sound like he is jealous. Your son is working hard towards a goal and savi, not sitting around all day expecting you to do everything. If he had gone to university he would still be dependent on you.

It’s jealousy, your partner doesn’t sound very nice tbh.

If I were you I’d stop doing those domestic things for your partner….y’know so he can stand on his own two feet.

He probably feels he should be the focus of whatever resources you have, time, effort etc.

Is your partner a parent ?
I have young adult kids living at home and I love it when I can help them out. My dd is super capable but loves coming home from Uni to home cooked meals and I love making her life nicer when she's here. My son works full time and is grateful for little acts like taking his laundry out of the washing machine and hanging it up so it's dry before he gets home from work. Of course he can do it himself but it's nice when family help each other out. (can you tell my love language is acts of service?) They also reciprocate too so I know I'm not turning them into helpless adults.
Adults enjoy being looked after sometimes - doesn't your partner enjoy you or his mum making a fuss and looking after him even though he's capable? I bet the rules are different for him 🤔

Your partner sounds pretty horrible tbh you are allowed to be nice and help your son even if he's over 18 ! It's up to you if you want to take money from him or make him some food. Your son sounds a decent lad and working towards his career good for him.

I think you need to start being less lovely with your dick of a partner and tell him to mind his own business.

Your partner may have been brought up a certain way which is influencing his judgment, but that doesn't make it the "right" way. The "right" was so whatever works for YOU with YOUR son.

Huge numbers of parents entirely support their DC through university, for example, including paying rent and giving them money for living costs, as well as having them at home in the uni holidays. By contrast, your son is working hard, saving money responsibility, and has a clear career plan that it sounds like he's really stuck to. He sounds way more on the ball that most 20 year olds, so did say your parenting is working out pretty well so far!

You sound like you have done a great parenting job and your son is working well, with your appropriate support, towards his chosen career. Why would you not help a hard working 20 year old son where you are able? It sounds like he is heading towards a very successful launch into full adult life. 💐

Just to add my DH, aged 71 is very fond of telling the teen grandchildren of how he left school at 15 ext ext 😃 but he is very happy his grandchildren are able to have far more support than he had. It's tough out there op and it's fine to help ease their way when we can. 😃

My opinion, being as you asked for it, is that you're doing a fabulous job with your DS.

If you don't need to take rent and he is definitely saving hard then that's no worry. My DS is a similar age and we haven't charged him anything for the last year as he too has been saving hard.

It's also lovely to do things for them. I would totally have cooked like you did. My DS will occasionally reciprocate and I'll come home and he's cooked Dinner.

My upbringing sounds more like your "D"P's. I would absolutely not want to bring a DC up like that. I've tried very hard to nurture my DC in a way I didn't experience from my own M.

Your "D"P may have had a different upbringing to you but he should still have the maturity to realise that it was to his detriment and not to be jealous of the time and energy you spend on your DS.

The fact that he's not displaying any maturity says a lot more about his behaviour and thinking than your Parenting.

Maybe your partner should just mind his own business? Your son, your business.

Thank you all for your comments. We all sometimes need to hear we've done a good parenting job, so thank you. He's a cracking fella is my lad.

I'll carry on as I am doing, and reject the criticism!

Thank you all again x

My love language is the same as yours @BoohooWoohoo x

And no, my partner has no kids of his own

It's a shame your son has ever had to live with a step parent like this.

You sound like my Mother-in-Law who is an extremely loving and devoted parent to her adult children. Your partner sounds like my MiL's partners who are resentful and jealous of the care she shows her children.

Her parenting has endured, her partners have not. I think, on balance, she's chosen wisely.

Good luck, OP, and how thrilling to have a pilot for a son. I hope he rewards you with some good (cheap!) adventures!

I'm terrified of flying @Kitcaterpillar 🤣 But I might have to just trust him, like I always have done.

Lots to think about, thank you all.

Is being single soo bad that you picked a terrible man? Drop your partner. He seems terrible. Continue doing what you want to do for your son.