Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Returning to uni….negativity about everything

12 replies

DidToUp20 · 27/08/2023 10:17

I’m at my wits end with DS, he is about to return to uni to complete is final year and all I get from him is negativity which is draining. Excuses about absolutely everything.

Don’t get me wrong he is fortunate enough to have a job this summer, lots of his friends haven’t. He has been away on holiday more than once with his friends.

I pay for all his food, wash his clothes, bite my tongue because after a long day at work I come home to find he has done absolutely nothing to help around the house or walk the dog. So it falls to me to do it all. He is negative about returning to uni, playing sport - makes up so many excuses not to go, goes out with his mates and then says it was a rubbish night out.

I love my son with all my heart I’m just totally fed up with all his negativity, he’s got his whole life ahead of him and can do anything he wants to do. I can’t afford to keep him at home. I’m exhausted from running around after him and have no one that can help me. Is anyone else experiencing any of this?

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 27/08/2023 10:31

That sounds so difficult for you @DidToUp20. I can understand that you don't want to row with him but I think you do have to have a chat about some basic ground rules, things like walking and feeding the dog should be non-negotiable.

I still do the laundry for both of my teens but they are both ND and will help out with things they enjoy, like cooking the evening meal. Perhaps point out to him that not many adults have a fee laundry service and what does he want to do in return?

titchy · 27/08/2023 10:31

Sounds like he's suddenly aware he's got nine months left, then it's out into the big wide world. He's probably nervous about trying to find a grad job, having to make sure his grades are high enough this year to get a 2:1. Is he living at home throughout his last year? Or will he be gone soon?

Original poster
DidToUp20 · 29/08/2023 19:34

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto thank you for your response. Unfortunately if I try to talk to him it results in his voice being raised and getting cross. I’m too tired and as sad as it sounds look forward to the day he goes back to uni. I was so looking forward to this summer and its been totally spoilt. I’ll miss when he is not here but I just feel totally walked over by him.

OP posts:
Original poster
DidToUp20 · 29/08/2023 19:36

@titchy thank you for your reply. He will be living away from home for his final year. I don’t know what it is with him but do know it’s all so draining. Im exhausted

OP posts:
Poblano · 29/08/2023 19:39

Do you think he might be depressed, or anxious about his final year? Obviously not an excuse for him not pulling his weight, but it might explain why he's so negative about everything.

Poblano · 29/08/2023 19:43

Also, have you asked him to do specific tasks around the house or are you expecting him to see that they need doing? I have 2 DS at university. One is great and will see that the dishes need washing or the laundry needs sorting or the floor needs hoovering. The other one is completely oblivious most of the time, but if ask him to do specific jobs during the day he will. He just wouldn't notice that they needed doing if I didn't ask.

TheCatterall · 29/08/2023 21:29

@DidToUp20 squishes. It’s like we can’t catch a break at any stage sometimes!

He’s an adult - albeit a young one and whilst it’s been left a bit late in the day I’d be putting my foot down.

Have a family meeting/rules that everyone adheres to.

everyone pulls together in the home. Everyone has a roll or chore and contributes. That can be finance and/or tasks and duties.

in the nicest possible way stop being a mug.

What do you think will happen if you don’t address this? He’ll be back every holiday, after unis done and back at home and revert to old behaviours.

as for not being able to talk to him as he raises his voice and gets cross - mine would be getting told “how dare you speak to me like that - contribute and buck up your behaviour or find somewhere else until you can.”

I wouldn’t accept a partner Or friend showing me the disdain your son is.

stop the cooking and providing etc for him. Let him adult or face the consequences for himself.

certainly not doing any future partners any favours by teaching him this behaviour is ok.

Lizzbear · 02/09/2023 06:51

Aibu to be so anxious about my ds finding a job after uni. He graduated this year with a 2.2 so is struggling to find a graduate position.
The problem is he’s so laid-back that I feel like he’s never going to actually find a job, so I’ve been applying for some for him. He’s not happy with me, even though I ran it by him first.
How can I stop myself interfering, trying to find a suitable job as he’s taking too long . He spends an hour or so a day job-searching online. And then it’s off to the gym.
All my friends say to back-off or he’ll think I do not have any confidence in his ability to be an adult.
Im very conflicted as I can be obsessive and my husband is retired and says I’m being too anxious and to leave him to it!
However my mum and sister think he should be doing more.
Im so stressed as I think he’s a lovely young man, he has plenty of friends, and I would hate to fall out permanently with him by undermining his right to look for work in his own way. Help please!!

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 02/09/2023 16:07

Lizzbear · 02/09/2023 06:51

Aibu to be so anxious about my ds finding a job after uni. He graduated this year with a 2.2 so is struggling to find a graduate position.
The problem is he’s so laid-back that I feel like he’s never going to actually find a job, so I’ve been applying for some for him. He’s not happy with me, even though I ran it by him first.
How can I stop myself interfering, trying to find a suitable job as he’s taking too long . He spends an hour or so a day job-searching online. And then it’s off to the gym.
All my friends say to back-off or he’ll think I do not have any confidence in his ability to be an adult.
Im very conflicted as I can be obsessive and my husband is retired and says I’m being too anxious and to leave him to it!
However my mum and sister think he should be doing more.
Im so stressed as I think he’s a lovely young man, he has plenty of friends, and I would hate to fall out permanently with him by undermining his right to look for work in his own way. Help please!!

Edited

Sorry I can't get past that you're applying for jobs in his name!

Are you having any kind of help for your anxiety?

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 02/09/2023 16:24

You absolutely cannot apply for jobs for him. It is infantilising him. He is an adult and it is up to him. As an adult, it is his responsibility to earn money. Ask him what his intentions are and how he will achieve them and butt out!

Lizzbear · 02/09/2023 16:38

I’m on Sertraline for anxiety. I’m thankful for your ho eat answers as it’s what I need. My mother found me my first job and I’m repeating the pattern. I will butt out as there’s such a thing as caring too much!

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 02/09/2023 16:43

Lizzbear · 02/09/2023 16:38

I’m on Sertraline for anxiety. I’m thankful for your ho eat answers as it’s what I need. My mother found me my first job and I’m repeating the pattern. I will butt out as there’s such a thing as caring too much!

Was that a username failure? Wink

New posts on this thread. Refresh page