First big breakup. Not sure how to advise.

[momtoboys]

My oldest son (25 in a few weeks) has been with his girlfriend for 4 years. Met her abroad while there for a semester. She attended the same university as him but they had never met on campus. She's lovely. Smart.

They graduated and she quickly received a job in finance making a lot of money and moved to NYC. She encouraged him to move too and find a job there, which he did. They did not live together. He has a decent job, is well respected and has made some nice friends.

To shorten the story she has broken up with him which I believe (although I know it is not my business) is the best for him. In my opinion she frequently behaved as though he was not good enough for her.

He's very sad. He called me and cried and feels lost. I tried to console him but I don't want to say too much or the wrong thing.

Any advice?

oh you’re such a lovely mum. He must be feeling totally at sea. When are you next seeing each other? Having just been through a breakup myself, I needed to make new friends that was my absolute priority, getting out and being with new people. He’s so young, he will bounce back, but he might need more love and support given he’s so far away.

Honestly I think it is like a bereavement, but almost worse (no I would never say that to someone who was actually bereaved and I know in reality they are not the same) because no one allows you or expects you to grieve for all you have lost and all you have planned. Your son might have mapped his life out with this girl and now it has all gone, all his future plans.

Obviously he is still young and moving to NYC has given him amazing opportunities so it is trying to package it all up without minimising what he is going through. It is shit, and so hard for you as well because you just want to make it better.

My advice would be not to criticise ex-GF or the relationship they had in any way. Even the "there is plenty more fish" spiel can come across as shitty and dismissive in the early stages of a break-up.

Also, don't push someone to move on. PP is right, in a way it's a form of grief so acknowledge the pain your son feels, and allow him time to feel it.

That is exactly what I am afraid of! @ducksurprise I agree it is very similar to bereavement. @Gettinagoldtoof - luckily he is scheduled to come home on Friday or Saturday for next week so I’ll be able to put my eyes on him. Thank you all for the responses!

Just be there with him. Don’t need him to feel better, don’t need him to do things, get out the house etc. don’t try and fix it. I think you know this already, so I would follow your hunches and just be there. You’re clearly a lovely parent so do what you do.

Listen, be there, don't give any advice or opinions

If he is coming home then just be prepared he may revert to younger behaviour, when this happened to my DD she came home and was almost like a child, I think she had just been holding everything together and then when home she just couldn't anymore. I gave her some slack and 'mothered' her for the week she was here (normally she is super independent) and I think it helped to know that whatever happens 'home' was always there for her.

I'm so glad you told me that about your DD. I will certainly be on the lookout for those behaviors and hopefully react appropriately. Thank you!

I'm sure no one is checking but a small update. Son is home and his behavior is making everyone in the family miserable. I am always so thrilled to have him come home to visit. A mere hours after he arrives I am on edge and tip toeing around his mood.

I an sorry but not surprised to hear that. It is because home is safe that they no longer need to pretend/hold it together.
They revert to a teenager and become selfish, ultimately it is a result of your parenting, you have made them feel loved and safe so they know it isn't conditional. They know that even if they are a complete dick you will still love them.

I know this doesn't excuse the behaviour or make it easier but deep breathing and biting your tongue will pay off. As before think of it as a bereavement, your patience will be less thin that way. Good luck

@momtoboys
I am going through the same with my son. He has been staying with his sister for the week so it takes away the mental load from me.

He is devastated but the constant going over everything is draining.

I just want to make it better but I can't.

I don't really know what to do.

It’s so hard. I’m sorry you and your son are going through it too.