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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Should I be worried?

14 replies

AutumnLea · 19/08/2023 16:03

Noticing significant changes in dd24 and not sure whether to be worried. I'll list concerns and hopefully other parents might be able to point out any behaviours they recognise.

Was always good with money, works ft decent salary. Rents own flat (with partner) and pays car, bills etc. Had savings. Last couple of years built up a massive amount of debt, not sure how. This was cleared to give her a fresh start so now should have substantial disposable income. She's spending massive amounts of money on really excessive things and never has anything left, for example can't visit because hasn't got fuel, couldn't get me anything on my birthday as a speeding ticket took her whole months money (??) I can't make head nor tail of it tbh.

Let's start with the speeding ticket for item 2. Insistent that she was unfairly caught out, no sense of responsibility at all. Don't think she believes she was in the wrong. This is entirely unlike her. First time and automatic points as she was well over the limit.

Bf is moving out ostensibly because he wants to save for mortgage deposit. Seems to be agreement that she will stay, pay rent and not save. This concerns me. They've been together a really long time. She's moved a much younger lodger (19F) in to help with rent who no longer works and will be unable to pay rent from next month.

Says she's had an adhd diagnosis but is on a 5 year waiting list for treatment/prescription which doesn't make a lot of sense to me. (If anyone could give me clarification on that I'd appreciate it)

I don't understand any of this and it's really upsetting me. Is something going on or is this all normal? I mean if it was someone else's child I'd probably suspect drugs or something. It's just such an enormous difference in the last 18 months or so and I just don't know what to do. Grateful for any insights.

OP posts:
AutumnLea · 19/08/2023 16:06

Arghh just so not to drip feed the 19yr old lodger has an ex who's been threatening to kill anyone at her flat. She's reported to the police but obviously that's an extra layer of concern.

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Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2023 16:12

Are you giving her any money? Buying her food, etc?

AutumnLea · 19/08/2023 16:18

No, not in a while. I've offered ie. when she said she didn't have fuel but she refuses. The only thing I pay for is trips out.

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Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2023 16:21

I would not offer her any money, and I wouldn't give her any if she asks. She's being really irresponsible. Have you said anything to her if she talks about her spending?

AutumnLea · 19/08/2023 16:25

Yes I do tend to say something, maybe that's just encouraging her to do it more I don't know. She's not listening.

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determinedtomakethiswork · 19/08/2023 16:27

Is there anyway you can talk to her boyfriend? I would be very worried about this. It seems like a complete personality change and that would make me suspect drugs. However, she's not asking you for money which doesn't imply drugs.

HarrietJet · 19/08/2023 16:29

Bf is moving out ostensibly because he wants to save for mortgage deposit. Seems to be agreement that she will stay, pay rent and not save
Well, this is just nonsense, I wouldn't believe it for a second.

AutumnLea · 19/08/2023 16:35

Would be difficult to talk to her boyfriend he only really comes with her on Christmas and birthdays. Also not sure how I'd feel putting him in that position he's a lovely lad. If I get an opportunity I might see if I can.

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UsingChangeofName · 19/08/2023 16:35

Bf is moving out ostensibly because he wants to save for mortgage deposit. Seems to be agreement that she will stay, pay rent and not save

Agree, that makes no sense at all.
Presumably, if she has been with the bf for such a long time you have a relationship with him too? Is it worth asking him ?

Re clearing her debt - surely you would have sat down and looked at income and expenditure at that point ? Helped her work out what had gone wrong ? Surely no-one is going to just say "Here you are dear, have a few thousand from me, and carry on as you are" ? Confused

AutumnLea · 19/08/2023 16:38

Actually I think that's exactly what happened @UsingChangeofName it wasn't me that cleared it but another family member. I found out after the fact.

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determinedtomakethiswork · 19/08/2023 16:53

So is her boyfriend going back to his parents' house? Have they split up? I'm very concerned about this lodger. Is she going to end up paying for them as well? Does she look physically healthy?

AutumnLea · 19/08/2023 16:58

Still together but going back to his parents. She says the lodger will have to move out but unsure whether she will follow through with this. She's looked less 'well' since she left home but not markedly so in the last several months.

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Daffodil63 · 19/08/2023 17:16

It doesn't make any sense at all if she is still paying rent. If she asked to come home so that they could both save that makes sense. She might be very stressed at work and becoming a little unbalanced? What about offering that she comes home for a while or counselling? See if you can get to the bottom of it. Good luck OP

AutumnLea · 19/08/2023 17:23

Thanks @Daffodil63

She is indeed under stress at work and also having counselling. She doesn't want to come home as she likes the space and freedom of her own place. Think it may be just one of those things I'll get to the bottom of in the end, and just have to be available in the meantime. It's just hard as, like you say, none of it makes sense.

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