Always worrying about driving

[Mum890]

My DD has been driving maybe 3 years now. I find myself worrying constantly if she goes on new or long journey.
When we've discussed this she says I put my anxiety onto her and it makes her anxious and she says that she's more likely to have an accident so that makes things worse.
I don't want to feel like this , I have no other family except my husband ( I feel like this with him too) and I'm terrified of losing her.
I'm in a state of anxiety until I know she's back home safe.
Anyone else?

I worry about my children driving - but try to remember that if they did not drive they would be travelling in cars with their mates who may not be as good and careful drivers as they are. Also you cannot eliminate the risks of an accident but the benefits to them of having their independence and freedom out weighs the risks. A lot of young people do have bumps when they first start driving but most are minor scrapes - reversing into something etc. They are also only too aware of the insurance costs so drive carefully- particularly if they have a black box. You have to try not to worry and let your daughter enjoy her freedom, she is probably a very good driver.

Thanks, I'm sure she is a good driver but I always think it's not them it's other drivers out there that cause accidents, you see them overtaking, taking risks.
I wished she'd take the train instead, but I can't run her life for her.The anxiety takes over until I know she's safe, honestly it's awful.

I suffer with this terribly, my daughter is only a baby but I worry about her going in the car, especially with grandparents. I also have the same worry with my family members, my parents are doing a long journey this weekend and I get so worried- the roads are so dangerous!

Awful isn't it.
I don't know what the answer is. I think it's if it's long journey on unfamiliar roads it's 10x worse and this is what she'd is doing tomorrow, I can't sleep for worrying.

So she’s 20? An adult?

This really doesn’t sound at all healthy. I’d moved out at 17 and owned a house 2 years later. The thought of my parents worrying about me driving at that point is pretty freaky.

Motorways are by far the safest roads in the UK.

The odds of something happening to your daughter, assuming she carries out the recommended weekly checks to her car are minuscule.

Freaky? Are you serious?
Worrying about someone you love?

Yes. She’s a grown woman living her life.

I’ve driven all over the world. Enough miles to get to the moon and back (literally). I can’t imagine my parents not sleeping after a month or so of me passing my test.

I drive the length and breadth of the country for work now. I wouldn’t even want my DH worrying about me doing that. What an absolute waste of energy!

Worry about things you can actually control!

She's just going to stop telling you. Even if you are anxious don't tell her, don't put the burden onto her. My parents were like this and once I had moved out I didn't tell them anything (I went to university and never came back). I'd go abroad for the weekend and not tell them as it wasn't worth the hassle.

I know, to be honest we haven't talked about it for ages. But she's know it's there.
Being a mum can be very hard at times. It's the best job in the world but also it has be difficult. These times far outweighs the benefits though!

I think this is completely over the top tbh, driving is a perfectly normal thing for an adult to do and I don’t think this level of anxiety about it is normal or healthy.

Don’t push these fears (or others) on to your adult daughter, I’ve seen this happen with my SIL who now won’t drive anywhere outside of about a 5 mile radius and won’t ever drive on a motorway.

That then creates issues for other people because they have to do the driving or make other arrangements which tbh I find a massive pain when she’s a perfectly competent driver.

I sympathise with you feeling anxiety as it's something you can't help to a certain extent. I think you are really unfair putting it on your child though. Surely you can keep it from her? It's really sad that she has commented on your anxiety making her anxious. You are going to hold her back from living a full life if you're not careful. Maybe this is the point where you try and get some help so you can deal with it in a more healthy way?

I thinks it’s for the best she just stops telling you where she’s going. This is a horrible thing to put onto someone else.

Have you thought about, you know, getting some actual help for your anxiety? Because your daughter has told you very clearly that it affects her and pushes her away from you.

I have a minimal relationship with my DM because of her anxiety and the resulting control issues.

Ideally, the daughter needs to move out of the house, so that you won't know when she is driving, OP. If that's not possible, perhaps get some support to manage your own extreme and unnecessary reactions? Your adult daughter needs to live her life without this pressure, and there is a risk you will alienate her completely.