what to do

[ljustdoit123]

Hi any advice or thoughts please. Husband and myself have been separated for several months after a rough patch. We said some hurtful things which my DD heard. Since then we've decided to work at our marriage but DD is against him moving back in. She's nearly 24 and saving up for her own place. I work part-time and pay all of the outgoings. She's on a fantastic wage of nearly 40k. and pays £130 per month. I'm nearly 60 and feel like I'm putting my life on hold to keep her happy. He's been her step dad since she was little and she's my last one to be at home. We've had a bad year but previously it was fine we had great family holidays and everyone got on well. I do wonder if she just likes it as me and her as she hasn't had a proper relationship as yet and although she works hard she isn't very sociable
She does rely a lot on me emotionally but I'm wondering is it harsh to expect her to move out if she won't accept us living together again? I feel torn between them.

I suppose a lot of this comes down to what was said, and why it had such an effect on her.

There's quite a difference between her simply not liking him much, and whether there's something underlying it that she feels unsafe or fears that you are unsafe.

He's been in her life a long time. I think you need to get to the bottom of why she apparently feels so strongly about this before making plans.

£130 pcm strikes me as very low for board and lodging. Are you ensuring that she is making monthly savings as well?

As above, only you must focus on your own happiness now as you reach the later part of life and eventual retirement. I hope she will understand and be happy for you to do so

She has saved a good deposit around 15000 towards a property. I am helping her to save by charging her a nominal amount. Her step dad had a brief affair before we separated and this i feel is the problem. As mature adults we can be more rational about things and even though we want to spend the rest of our lives together she is dragging it out.
As a result of this to be respectful of her feelings we meet up but don't stay in the house while she's there. We can't continue like this forever though.
My DD is on the spectrum and as such sees everything as either black or white. Once someone upsets her that's it. She's broke contact with her biological dad and long term partner as she couldn't get on with her. She has had a settled and comfortable life with us since she was young. We've all had fun holidays and get togethers with family and extended family for years. So I am devastated and torn right now. Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading

Sorry my input maybe won't be helpful but my dad had an affair, the aftermath of which ripped my family apart, but then my mum forgave him and they carried on as normal. I'm afraid I couldn't get past it, because while it's not my relationship it does show a complete lack of respect, and everything that happened when it all came out was extremely hurtful. It is her choice to remain with him, but I no longer have anything but a very very low contact and superficial relationship with him, and don't intend to change that at all - and it's been 10 years now.

You may give your DD the opportunity to move out, and you'd be well within your rights to, but you may find that her feelings never change and your relationship is impacted with her long term. For example, I've decided not to do Christmas with my parents again, a decision I'm sure that has hurt my mum, but we can't control others' actions, only our own. She's at liberty to stay with my dad, and I'm at liberty to distance myself from them as a result.

Reabies thank you for your insight. It gives me a sense of what my DD is going through. I know that just because we are staying together that things aren't going to be forgotten. Her two elder sisters who are married and have families and children have been able to accept that we are going to stay together but because she's the youngest and has seen it all out with us as in the arguments and shouting has a different perspective.

I’m at a loss as to why you’d let a 24 year old who’s on £40k with £15k in the bank live at home and interfere in your life! I think it’s time for you to reclaim your personhood and for your family to establish some boundaries.

Yes new boundaries are needed I think. I appreciate all of your responses. My DD is viewing properties this weekend and that's because I've given her the choice of accepting us as living together or she moves out. Sounds harsh but as well as this situation we have been at loggerheads because of her constant mess and taking over the house with her stuff. Not cleaning the kitchen after batch cooking/spilling baked food on my new hob and not cleaning it/walking through the house with wet socks after going outside in the rain/dumping wet washing everywhere and then putting the heating on even in summer/ eating food on my new sofa and spilling it and not cleaning it up. Fake tan stains on the towels and round the bath. Yes she needs her own space where she can sort her own mess. I look forward to going round and dropping my things everywhere.

You put your marriage first, because that is your most important relationship.
You and your husband potentially have many more years together, long after your daughter has left. It would be wrong to prioritise her, given that she is a competent and nature adult.
It would be reasonable for your daughter to be moving out anyway, given her strong financial position. If she insists on staying, maybe you should be raising her rent to a realistic commercial level?

I'm going to go against what most people have said and give it time before your DH moves back in.

He's betrayed your trust and hers and hurt both of you.

I'd leave it a little while longer before you think of moving back in together. An affair isn't something I think I could get over and I don't know anyone who has had a relationship that's survived that kind of breach of trust.

So for your sake, give it a bit more time. Then if things are still going well, tell your DD that he's coming back in day 3 months, so she has time to move out if she feels that strongly