Hi all, I have a 28 year old older brother who I am very concerned about. My mum is at her wits end, constantly worrying about him and my dad is putting his head in the sand. He still lives at home, I have recently moved back home I because I am studying and I had no idea how bad everything was. He has been diagnosed as ADHD and is on the highest dose, he is also on antidepressants, goes to therapy and meets with a psychiatrist regularly. He has been ruled out as schizophrenic and autistic. My parents do as much as they can to help his mental health but it doesn’t seem to get better and his behaviour as a result is having a huge effect on my parents’ wellbeing.
Summary because this is long but you can read details below:
1. Can’t look after himself and lives in hoarder-style squalor
2. Doesn’t do his own washing or buy food
3. Racks up debt then relies on parents to pay it off
4. Treats our mum very badly
5. Lovebombs and treats girls badly and doesn’t understand why it’s wrong then gets depressed when they break up with him
6. Has no friends/social life
7. Bunks off work regularly and gets sacked
8. Refuses to move out or contribute
9. As a result my parents are now hiding away from him at their holiday home as much as they can
Long version with details:
My parents have helped him financially to move out before and he has also lived away from home at university before he dropped out because he couldn’t handle it. Both times he was evicted because of the state of where he was living. My dad said that both flats were knee-high in rubbish, with mouldy food everywhere and had never been cleaned. My parents are in a financial position to pay for a 1 bed flat for him near us entirely but they are worried about what will happen to him if he lives alone. He also refuses to move out, even if it’s paid for, unless it meets a very long list of specific requirements. (Ie. In east london, 5 mins walk max from tube, 20 min max tube from work, 2 bedrooms, parking, nice area etc) This would obviously be crazy expensive and my parents aren’t prepared to do it. I can’t believe he isn’t taking the opportunity for a FREE flat and would rather be at home.
He has never had any real friends. He does have a friend at work that he mentions sometimes but they don’t see eachother outside work. At school, he did have some friends but never had a social life outside of school. He has always been a big gamer and really just used being online as a social life. This means he’s now an adult with zero true friends. He constantly tells me how lonely he is and how terrible he feels about it. I have suggested the usual ways to make friends (go out, gym, clubs, bumble etc) but he never does. I also invite him out with me and my boyfriend so he can meet people but he never comes. My boyfriend and him get on really well and he also invites him on boys’ nights out but he always declines. We have similar interests so we talk a lot, have movie nights, make dinner together etc and I spend as much time with him as I can at home.
He does have a job but regularly takes time off sick or claims to my parents he is working from home when he is really just bunking off. I know this because this work friend found me through my brother’s instagram and messaged me a few days ago concerned that he hadn’t been coming in and that work were getting upset with him. He said he’d been trying to contact my brother to warn him but hadn’t heard anything back.
My mum says he does this a lot. He stays at a job for 6 months, does really well, then stops going and gets sacked or leaves. He then falls into a pit again and my parents have to push him for months to find another job.
We have a granny annexe in the garden, which my dad was meant to use as his new home office. However, my parents eventually moved him into the annexe in the hopes it’d give him some independence and he’d be happier there. (Able to bring friends round etc) There is a toilet and sink but he comes over to cook and shower. He keeps a huge padlock on the front of the door which we don’t have a key to, so nobody can get in. The other day, he had a meltdown to me and agreed to let me in to help him clean it. Instead, he went out and my mum and I spent 6 hours each cleaning it out. It was again knee-high in rubbish.
Our mum does his washing, buys his food, organises his medication, appointments etc but he absolutely hates her. He is convinced she is out to get him and does not trust her yet she spends all her time worrying and doing things for him. She begs him to give her his bedsheets or clothes to wash for him and it is like a battle every time. He shouts at her if she buys the wrong food or if she makes dinner he doesn’t like and in general just isn’t nice to her or ignores her. She has always been a stay at home mum and is now lucky she doesn’t need to work, which my brother berates her about and calls her lazy. He has very strong political views and calls my parents tories and boomers, telling them they have ruined the country. He gets on better with our dad because he just throws money at the situation and never pushes him.
Financially, he is a mess. He has racked up £30k worth of debt in total and impulsively buys technology and designer clothes that he never wears. He will rack up a £10k credit card bill, fall back on payments, then run to my dad in a meltdown who will bail him out to avoid repercussions or people coming to the house. He has been bailed out twice. He has an insane top of the line computer set up with thousands of pounds worth of gear and I even saw an unopened brand new iMac in his room. He has also gambled and once gambled his entire wages on a ‘sure thing’ and lost it all, then went to my dad who eventually gave him the money back.
Because of this, my parents have now taken control of his money and refused to pay the third credit card. His wages are sent to my dad’s account, my dad uses the wages the pay off as much as possible from my brother’s latest credit card and then sends him £500pm to spend freely. His other cards have been taken and my parents have put a lock on the postbox so he cannot order and get any more cards.
I have suggested he enter into an IVA but my parents don’t want him to suffer the long term effects.
He vapes and smokes weed a lot, I’m sure this isn’t helping him but he says it helps him to cope and nobody can get him to stop.
Hes also recently been getting into relationships very quickly and ‘lovebombing’ girls into thinking they’re the love of his life. 2 girlfriends in the past 4 months. The first one he told that he wanted to spend more time playing video games and not with her, so she broke up with him. He then continued sleeping with her whilst seeing the new girlfriend. The ex girlfriend found out he was seeing someone new while they were sleeping together and understandably told the new girl what was going on. The new girlfriend broke up with him and now he’s in a mess again and doesn’t see how he did anything wrong. He thinks it is all the ex girlfriend’s fault for getting in touch with the new one and doesn’t think how he could have hurt anyone. He is in a complete depressive state now after the breakup, smoking weed constantly, not leaving the house, not going to work, constantly eating thousands of calories of junk food, not getting dressed. I’ve asked him what he misses about the second girlfriend and he has just said he misses having someone to talk to, not her. I know he isn’t in the right state to get into these relationships and he shouldn’t be hurting these girls or pretending to love them just so he can have someone to talk to. My parents think it’s the only thing that’ll make him feel better and are encouraging him onto dating apps but I know he can’t put all the responsibility for his happiness on a girlfriend’s shoulders.
The other night, he rang my mum at 1am saying he’d missed the last train home and needs picking up at a station half an hour away. She said no and told him to get a taxi as it’s his responsibility as an adult man. He had a complete meltdown and was unable to do it so she ended up calling a taxi company herself, arranging and paying for it over the phone. I thought it was crazy how he couldn’t organise this himself but my mum seems just used to it now.
My parents have a holiday home in the UK and it is at the point now where my mum is constantly there and my dad comes back during the week to work. I’m not sure if this is to avoid him or what but I know it’s taking a huge toll on them both. They constantly text me ‘how is he today’ ‘can you try this’ etc and I really don’t know what to do.
I love my brother, he is always there for me and is a great friend but I am not sure what is wrong with him. Part of me thinks he is incredibly mentally ill. Another part thinks that he is sheltered, spoilt and has never had to work for stuff on his own because my parents are always there to bail him out. I on the other hand moved out at 18, worked full time, paid my own bills and am self sufficient. I couldn’t just miss work or make crazy purchases, because I knew I needed the money to live. I only moved home as I am now going to university after a career move and this is the only way my parents support me financially, I don’t want them to have to do more than that.
They have had an agreement with him that he would be moving out at the end of July with their financial help whether he likes it or not. However now he is in such a state, they are worried he will kill himself if he moves out and are going back on it. My mum says that he cannot do anything himself and he is not self sufficient because he is mentally ill but part of me thinks that if she stopped doing everything for him, eventually he’d have to sort himself out.
What would you do? Kick him out and risk him getting worse or keep him here and hope he gets better? I just want him and my parents to be happy and nothing seems to be working.