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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Asking 19 year old to leave home

24 replies

babybonkers · 10/07/2023 15:59

My 19 year old is perfectly self sufficient and often looks after herself when we are away for the weekend.
The problem is that they are constantly rude to us, demanding of things, wanting things done right now, not doing the one chore we have set them.
It feels like it's all take and no give and if we try and talk about it we just get shouted at.

I have now asked them to move out because I just can't take the atmosphere anymore and being so disrespectful. Also I am sure they can behave better as they are perfectly nice when friends are round.
This has been the case for around 3-4 years now, with ups and downs. They do suffer with mental health and possibly autistic and although that explains some of the bluntness I feel it doesn't excuse it.

OP posts:

Original poster

babybonkers · 10/07/2023 16:00

Clicked too soon. I guess I am just looking for peoples thoughts on this and also how to go about it. I am perfectly happy supporting them in the process finding flat/funding etc. They currently work 20 hours a week.

OP posts:

SeulementUneFois · 10/07/2023 16:01

If they're working you're perfectly ok to do this.

Meeting · 10/07/2023 16:01

How do you expect someone who works 20 hours a week to live on their own?

BoohooWoohoo · 10/07/2023 16:05

My adult child had to move out for 18 months for different reasons but came back a changed person and is a delight to live with now.
I don't see how 20 hours will be enough to fund her moving out ?

jannier · 10/07/2023 16:08

Have you always expected them to do chores be polite etc if so what's changed. If you let them treat you like a doormat as children they won't change

wwyd2021medicine · 10/07/2023 16:43

I would ask/tell her to move out too
I would not tolerate living with an adult who was rude to me in my own home, certainly one who shouted at me.
Both DC knew this as I made it 100% clear to them that if they behaved like that, they would be out.

Stickybackplasticbear · 10/07/2023 16:48

Are they in training or education?

Thistooshallpass. · 10/07/2023 17:02

So they work 20 hrs a week , have mental health problems, possibly autistic and they are 19 .... and you think that they will cope alone ?!
Personally I couldn't tell my child to leave if these were the circumstances. Set some tough house rules and boundaries but chucking them out is not the answer.

moggiek · 10/07/2023 17:06

wwyd2021medicine · 10/07/2023 16:43

This ^

HamBone · 10/07/2023 17:06

I agree that setting some tough house rules and boundaries is the first step. As PP’s have said, how will they make ends meet if they’re only working 20hrs/week? Unless of course they’re choosing to only work p-t (because you’re subsidizing them) and could increase their hours.

Try the tougher rules/boundaries first and make it clear that if they can’t adhere to them, moving out will be the next step.

MaybeSmaller · 10/07/2023 17:14

You haven't mentioned anything especially egregious for teenage behaviour in your OP, so it does sound like you're being OTT.

How is a 19 year old who works 20 hours a week, and with MH issues and ASD on top, going to cope on her own or afford to pay for her own place given the cost of living today? Or are you suggesting you are going to fund her to live apart from you on an ongoing basis?

Essentially you're proposing to kick your neurodiverse and mentally ill teenage DD out of her family home because you are annoyed at her for being a typical stroppy teen. Unless there's a major drip feed coming, this sounds eminently unreasonable. This is your flesh and blood, not some errant lodger.

Busy75 · 10/07/2023 17:23

They’d need to get a FT job first.

Not a good idea to kick them out at 19 with MH issues and possibly Autistic.

They get away with treating you like that because you’ve allowed them to.

One chore per week is ridiculous, and they refuse to do it! Sounds like you’ve spoilt them. Work on setting firm boundaries and following through on the consequences every single time.

Get them to start doing their own laundry from today!

Are you charging them anything for their keep/rent/contribution?

Xrays · 10/07/2023 17:27

Have they ever pursued a diagnosis of autism? If they do have autism it will affect their whole being; their behaviour and their future. How much have you looked into autism? (I have autism and my son does too).

If they are only working 20 hours a week I doubt they’d be able to manage to support themselves - if they get a diagnosis of autism you might be able to access support groups and supported living help depending on the severity of their needs.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/07/2023 17:32

Did you ever pursue diagnosis for their possible autism?

quietnightmare · 10/07/2023 17:48

Well she can't afford to move out when not working full time. So as PP said you need to see what support she is entitled to if she is in fact autistic

Mylovelygreendress · 10/07/2023 17:50

Who else is in the household and how does your DD get on with them ?

caringcarer · 10/07/2023 17:54

Why does she only work 20 hours a week? Is she in college/education? Could you ask her to increase her hours or take a second job? Are you subsidising her? I think it depends on answers to above questions. If she's still in education/college then YABU. If she just chooses to only work 20 hours then not so much. Can you issue her a warning (written) to make her realise it's serious?

ZebraDilemma · 10/07/2023 17:54

Thistooshallpass. · 10/07/2023 17:02

This

ArcticSkewer · 10/07/2023 17:56

But where will she move to? Will you be the guarantor? And if they can't afford to pay?

Original poster

babybonkers · 10/07/2023 18:44

She could work more hours per week either in her current role, or in another but chooses not to. She is the only one of my 7 children to behave like this. The rest are all polite and yes have the occasional stripy moment as all teens do but this is different. We have asked her many times.
She has a fiancée who also has a full time job and if she was going to uni this year instead of next year she would be moving out to live on her own.
She does her own washing, mainly because she complained at everyone else for touching her stuff. Her one official chore was to do the dishwasher and she hardly ever does it and when she does it is half hearted.
She nit picks at her siblings and is rude to them too so this isn't just about us.
Yes she is on a very very long waiting list for assessment and has been for years.
She chooses not to see her dad- but if she was stuck she could also live there.
And I'd be perfectly happy for her to stay if she just changed her attitude to us but she hasn't.
Interested to see the range of responses though so keep them coming.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/07/2023 18:57

Is she your eldest?

HamBone · 10/07/2023 20:09

If she’s moving out next year to go to university, I wouldn’t kick her out. Instead, prepare her for independent living with stricter boundaries and insist she does her chores.

Also call out rudeness to family members every time it occurs. DH and I use non-negotiable phrases like “ You do not speak to your mother/father/sister like that” and “We treat everyone with respect in this house.”

It’s hard, OP. 💐

Original poster

babybonkers · 10/07/2023 20:18

No second eldest.
She may not move out for uni as there is an option where she would have to stay at home

OP posts:

ArcticSkewer · 11/07/2023 06:33

She'll probably be better off if she does move out. Would she get the full student loan or are you supposed to top it up? Are you planning to be her rent guarantor?

Why is she engaged aged 19?

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