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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

What to expect when child moves out?

20 replies

Sadless · 09/07/2023 17:47

My daughters recently moved out about a month ago. She gone into a shared house so not really idea for us to visit. She's literally a 5 minute walk away from my house and she drives but doesn't comes.i get an text occasionally and that it's.
I am expecting to much expecting her to visit at leat once a week or do I just back off and leave her to it she knows where we are if she needs us.

Any advice

Sal

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 09/07/2023 17:49

Invite her for Sunday dinner? Message her via WhatsApp things you find interesting. She's exploring her new life dint haven't many expectations but keep the channels of communication open.

LizziesTwin · 09/07/2023 17:49

I’d back off completely, just answer her texts, calls etc as they happen. She’s needing to break away from home too, this is something you are both experiencing.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/07/2023 17:51

I think it's usual for the first couple of months to not see them or hear much from them, they get all involved in the new loving situation and forget about parents for a bit.
Give it a bit of time, perhaps invite for coffee out and then for once a month Sunday dinner.

Littlemissprosecco · 09/07/2023 17:52

Yes, she’ll remember you eventually, or when she needs something! But that’s ok, she’s enjoying living her own life, being independent. It’s exciting. Leave her be, or cook her favourite on a boring evening and tell her there’s some left over if she fancies, but be prepared for it to take a good few months. Her life is all new……

Colinfromaccounts · 09/07/2023 17:53

I think you have to treat her more like a friend rather than someone who has a duty to come and visit you once a week.

take her out for lunch somewhere nice, think of things she’d like to do and do them together. Now is the time to start building a different kind of relationship.

Original poster
Sadless · 09/07/2023 18:07

I have asked her out on family days out but doesn't seemed very interested. I think I am finding it strange because while she was leaving here she used to update me on where she was and what time she would be home but doesn't really need to now.
Suppose it something I will have to get use to they do grow up.

Sal

OP posts:
Littlemissprosecco · 09/07/2023 18:14

They do, and when you get used to it, it’s actually quite nice. Be proud of her, she’s growing up.
You could invite all her housemates over for a bbq? Say Saturday before they go out?

InSpainTheRain · 09/07/2023 18:19

I think they go through this phase when it's all exciting and new - almost forgetting family because they are always there. Personally I just backed off, stayed in the background, certainly didn't expect visits and just sent a message one a week or so to say hi, hope you're ok, with whatever was interesting news.

Now it seems to be changing again, and suddenly both wanted to join us this summer - which was lovely. Probably she come round in time.

ThunderclapCloud · 09/07/2023 18:26

I just kept in touch with pictures of the cat doing daft things, and stuff like that. It's new and exciting so don't push or expect anything in particular.

Give it a while and just ask if she'd like to get together for a walk/drink/family meal or whatever you think she'd like.
It's all normal, don't take it personally. I was advised that they tend to break away so they can re-attach with you in a more adult way, and I've found that to be true.

Big hugs in the meantime. She'll be back 💐

Original poster
Sadless · 09/07/2023 18:27

My son moved out 2 years ago and he's text me everyday literally had a what's app 5 minutes ago saying he was bored. I might be expecting her to be like him and speak more. But there not the same and It will take time for me to get used.

Thanks
Sal

OP posts:
kazarenka · 09/07/2023 18:36

I have two girls and a son.
My son messages but the girls are off. Exploring.
I get so upset from not hearing from them but have to tell myself they are discovering themselves and living their life.
It's hard
But let them know you are there and still send silly messages with no negative thoughts. Just to let them know you are there. Xx

Original poster
Sadless · 09/07/2023 19:52

Thanks everyone for your advice it has made me feel a lot better.

Sal

OP posts:
Littlemissprosecco · 09/07/2023 20:06

I always get responses when I send photos of the dog doing something cute!

BillyBraggisnotmylover · 09/07/2023 20:10

Do you have a WhatsApp group for you all together? We’ve all moved out but communicate on that every couple of days

RampantIvy · 09/07/2023 20:38

My son moved out 2 years ago and he's text me everyday

My experience is different to yours @Sadless. DD went to university in September 2019 and has stayed in her university city after graduating. She has only been home for holidays and visits. I don't expect to hear from her every day, but she is pretty good at keeping in touch. When she was a student it was when she was stressed or upset that she kept in contact most often.

I think you need to learn to let go. My transition to DD leavig home was different to yours, but at least your DC are near you and know that they can contact you whenever they want.

You can pat yourself on the back that you have raised DC who are happy to be independent.

caringcarer · 09/07/2023 21:24

My eldest moved out about 20 months ago. He's 150 miles away. He invited us up for Xmas dinner last year. It was great. First year I haven't had to cook Xmas dinner. He wouldn't even let me help dish up. I go up to visit him about once every 2 months. My MiL loves about 10 miles from him and we visit her at the same time usually staying overnight with one of them. He rings me every week and sends me WhatsApp photos. Last week he sent photos of what he's done in his garden and this afternoon photos of an Abbey he visited with gf. I ring him once a week and text/WhatsApp occasionally. My second son has just bought his house and DH his stepdad has been helping him fit a new kitchen. He's planning on moving in 2 weeks once carpets have been laid. He's already said he's coming around Wednesday nights because that's lasagne night and I make a large lasagna from scratch and he likes to take some in his lunch box for the next day as he has a microwave at work. I've told him I'll make him one at the same time and he can freeze it. If he doesn't go out on a Friday night with friends he has a Chinese takeaway with us. He said he might text his order across if he's not going out on a Friday and will eat it with us before going home. Once a month he takes me out for a breakfast and have a catch up as even though he lives at home we don't see much of him as he lives on our top floor and has his own shower room and he works all day and goes out some evenings with friends. I'm out with our youngest most of the weekend driving him to and watching him play cricket. It takes about 8-9 hours every Saturday. We call in for a cooked breakfast first then arrive by 11pm. I see less of DD as she lives 200 miles away, has 2 DS's and works. Plus they go away a lot at weekends camping and visiting friends. I see her and dgs's about 4 times a year. She texts and WhatsApp me photos of dgc and things though. We chat once a week on phone but usually only for 15 mins.

Original poster
Sadless · 10/07/2023 14:11

My daughters been around this morning we went doing abit of shopping. She started uni last year but once she was living there she didn't want to stay. We agreed that she would give it a few weeks and if she still felt the same she would come home and commute which she did and due to start again in September. She seems to be enjoying being independent which is nice to see. I still have 2 younger children at home so it's not empty nest yet.

Thanks
Sal

OP posts:
Hadenough2022 · 10/07/2023 14:15

It’s difficult to judge and hard to adjust to at first. However my experience has been no news is good news and if I don’t hear anything for a few days it means all is well.

Augustus40 · 11/07/2023 06:36

My ds plans to visit me every two weeks once he does move out. We have a rather unusual relationship in that I am a single parent and he is an only child. To me that sounds healthy for both of us as it has always been that way since ds was five months old. I am done with relationships and also have zero family support on my side but ds visits his dad and extensive family for a week every few months.

Needless to say we are both looking forward to more breathing space for us both in three more years!

Original poster
Sadless · 22/07/2023 11:51

Hi all I have a new problem. I think she might be getting a eating disorder she was losing weight while living at home but I could see what see was eating. She said her hairs falling out really bad and I have said its probably your diet. She has had people mention her looking skinny at work. She was the sensible child no smoking, drinking or anything really. But found out this week she's vaping and it's the behind the counter not supposed to be sold vapes. I can't stop her doing it she's old enough to make her own decision but I am worried about her starving herself. She's working 5 days a week and when she's not at work she s in bed and she's said can't be bothered to get something to eat. If she goes out with friends she will order food but say she's not got the appetite to eat it. I don't know what to do.

Sal

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