Thread 47- Covid GCSE Cohort - Summer's running away from us!

[OrangeCinnamonLatte]

...it will be Christmas before we know it.

This is a support thread for our young adults post GCSEs 2020, regardless of their educational setting, and their results ( or life updates for those who went into work or have had results earlier). It is respectfully requested that all are supportive and helpful to each other. If you want to start a debate, e.g state vs private, uni vs employment please don't within this thread.

Some of us have been here since first thread back in yr10, some will be new. Everyone has been friendly and helpful in the past. Everyone is welcome. It is hoped this will continue. We were previously on the secondary board and then further education, now we shall be here in 'Parents of Adult Children' gulp

Our DS/DD may continue down various pathways ( employment, apprenticeships, higher ed). Experience is that everyone is welcomed wherever, whatever their child is doing we have some in work, gap years , apprenticeships etc too. Lots of contributors with different experiences and always sympathy and advice to be had.
Previous thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parents_of_adult_children/4792342-thread-46-gcse-covid-cohort-searching-for-summer-solstice

Your week is going to be stress city! I hope you have plenty of chocolate and gin handy - although that may not be helpful with getting your work done. 😀

Good luck to the re-sitters!

Im currently not happy with DD.
Shes been home for over 2 months. Hasn’t even tried to get a job, doesn’t help around the house, doesn’t even keep her own room clean and tidy, has to be reminded to clean up after herself in the kitchen and bathroom, isn’t doing her own washing etc.
She went out to a party on Saturday night, stayed over and DH collected her yesterday in time to eat brunch here that I’d made.
She asked what “our” plans were - meaning how were we going to entertain her for the rest of the day.
I suggested she do something useful, like walk the dog, put clean bedding on her bed (that I’d stripped, washed and dried the day before)… Thus ensued a recurring arguement, which consists of us trying to explain that she’s now an adult and has to contribute to the running of the house, respecting that it’s our home and she can’t just do as she pleases, and her responding that she’s obviously not welcome here, she’s just a guest etc etc.

She can’t seem to understand that, now she’s 19, we don’t actually have any obligation to house her - it’s a choice on both sides for her to stay here or not - and that it’s quite reasonable and appropriate for us to set boundaries and expectations, which she can choose to go along with, or if she doesn’t, she can go and live in her uni house.
Im not sure if it’s her ADHD, but when I spell it out like that, she accuses me of saying that this is no longer her home and clearly I don’t want her here.

Any words of wisdom?
Its really getting me down and I think we’ve caused this, as we’ve always been very relaxed about asking either DC to do anything to help around the house or contribute to the happy running of it.

I should have added - she neither walked the dog, nor made her bed up until midnight when DH went into her room to say goodnight and she was lying under an uncovered duvet, on a bare mattress.

That's frustrating @Alsoplayspiccolo . I'm not sure I have any particular words of wisdom. Both mine have jobs, but that's mainly because they have such active social lives which need funding! But I don't particularly ask them to do stuff around the house. They do look after their own rooms, change bedding etc and they make their own food a lot of the time, but they don't cook for me! I've been wondering whether I should ask them to do more. But neither of them are around that much and they don't expect us to entertain them.... A lot of it is to do with personality isn't it. Ds is desperate to be independent and very much likes to pay for things himself. Whereas dd is very happy to tell me about friends whose parents pay for all their petrol and is always negotiating reimbursement for something or other! I guess they don't suddenly become adults overnight?

On another stressful note, dd just rang after her first exam. She accidentally left her phone in her pocket and it was spotted. She didn't use it obviously, but I know they can be really strict with these things. She's stressing about being thrown out of uni! I'm sure she won't be but would anyone know what they might be likely to do?

Yes good luck to all the re sitters 🍀

Oh just read your update @crazycrofter , That is worrying. What an unfortunate mistake. I’m sorry I don’t know what they are likely to do but I hope they clarify that quickly.

@Alsoplayspiccolo i think it is time for a bit of slightly tougher love. If she wants sheets on her bed she puts sheets on her bed. If she wants her washing done, she does her washing. If she asks what’s for lunch say “I don’t know, what are you making for us?”. If she wants funds for going out or other reasons, say “well I suppose you will have to get a job” or “didn’t you think about that when you decided not to work this summer?”. Honestly, you have to nip this in the bud. Nobody will hire her after uni if she hasn’t worked and has that sort of attitude. It’s also rude and disrespectful but I would save that chat for if/when she improves post you withdrawal of labour and funds.
She sounds rather immature - was she late to go through puberty/is she particularly young?

Delphigirl, she’s definitely not as mature as her peers in many ways - definitely an ADHD thing, as people with ADHD are generally behind by a third of their chronological age.
That affects her ability to see cause and effect and to be able to react regulate her emotions…not a great combination for rational discussion.

We’re not finding her at all, fortunately, as all her uni living allowances are funded by SFW (grant and loan), plus she got a bursary from Birmingham, so she has enough money to see her through the summer break.
So, no financial motivation to do anything.

I am an advocate of tough love, but DH doesn’t find it easy - he is very much of the opinion that this is her home, he doesn’t want her to feel she won’t always have a place here, wants to be on an equal footing with her as adults together. At the same time, he can see her behaviour is causing tension and issues, but he just doesn’t know how to balance the 2 things. Consequently, she uses it as a wedge between us, going cold and not talking to me if I as much as tell her that she needs to tidy up/put her dishes in the dishwasher/clean her room etc.

Ive said to her in no uncertain terms that she has a choice - either behave like the adult she claims to be and respect our home and how we live in it, or go and stay in her uni house. Not a threat, not an ultimatum, but simply the way it is - if she doesn’t like our boundaries, she doesn’t have to be here.

Im going to stop making it so easy for her, as you rightly suggested; I’m guilty of doing too much without even noticing I’m doing it.

Oh no, crazycrofter, that’s really unfortunate.
No idea what the outcome might be, but I hope it’s not as severe as she fears.

Good luck to re-sitters.

@crazycrofter fingers crossed the consequences are not too harsh.

How's it going @JustHereWithMyPopcorn DS is still on question 1 😱

@Alsoplayspiccolo that sounds extremely trying. I think standing by your boundaries is important but explaining why those boundaries are there is also important when talking to young adults. She may argue but it should make her think. There's no real easy answer to it though, I think these years are quite a test for us.

@crazycrofter fingers crossed for your DD, hopefully they will realise that she didn't actually have her phone out during the exam and it will be OK.

DS on to Q3 but worrying that it seems too easy, which means he's probably not picked up on some subtle clue.....

@mummyinbeds I didn't refresh before I did my post and just saw your message. He's just starting the third question but will need to polish the first two, he's got the argument down but needs a bit of fancy wordage! Which questions is your DS doing? Mine is avoiding the essay question as he reckons they haven't taught them how to answer those.

@JustHereWithMyPopcorn yep, DS is avoiding the essays. He's currently talking about a Jukebox 🤷 He's so slow at getting anything down on paper. I've suggested he just gets his thoughts down and goes back to refine it but what do I know 🤣

I'm fascinated by these 24 hour exams - what's to stop others helping them?

Nothing @NCTDN except not knowing anyone who can help you and I suppose risk of plagerism?

I looked at the Jukebox one I thought it was straight forward but DS started saying stuff that made me doubt myself. #IANAL

Oh yes I'd hope that people have the sense not to do that. It's interesting that yours are doing the same one?

They are sitting the same exam but there are 7 questions on different parts of contract law on it (broken into 3 parts each) and you choose 3 questions out of the 7. My DS and @mummyinbeds DS are probably doing different questions (My DS isn't doing the Jukebox one I just read the question when he was looking through all the options).

I will do a list tomorrow - probably horribly out of date so everyone will have time to correct me before a proper update at the beginning of the next thread.

A belated good luck to the retakers - I hope any exams today went well.

Good luck re-sitters. 🍀

Thinking of all the re-sitters too.

Good luck to all those doing exams!

Hoping for good weather tomorrow - our family day out for the summer. All 4 of us going to watch the Hundred cricket at the Oval. We've been the last 2 years and had a great time so really 🤞🤞 it stays dry.

DS has just discovered (rather late in the day) that he hasn't been given the extension he's supposed to have. It's a good job he's doing this at home with me to manage his MH. He's now in a total flap 😭. With regards to helping him, I do have a law degree but it's 30 years old and I haven't got a clue anymore. My job is cuddles and food.

Oh mummy thank goodness he isn't doing this back at uni on his own. How much longer has he got and how much does he think he needs?

Thinking of you both, and the other resisters and their mums