ADVICE PLEASE! Should I tell my kids they have a half brother?

[MalusPater]

Advice, please!
I have taken advice from several close confidantes, but welcome some independent input.

I am the parent to three, now adult offspring, from my previous marriage.
Whilst I was going out with their mother, as teenagers, long before they were all born, she and I split up for nearly a year (I instigated it, much to my later regret).
During that split, I became heavily involved with a married woman who was 5 years my senior.

I was 18, she was 23.

Our physical relationship came to an end when she became pregnant.

Our romantic relationship petered out soo--n ish after.

She was adamant that the baby wasn't mine, that it was her husband's.
I really doubted that because we often didn't use protection.
We relied on her using oral contraceptives but started using condoms later on in the relationship when she took a break from the pill.
My doubts were strong because not so long before she broke that news I distinctly remember a night at a party where things got a little frisky and she assured me that due to her cycle, she knew that it would be safe to continue without protection.
When she broke the news we agreed that it was for the best that she concentrate on rescuing her marriage and providing a loving family unit for her new baby.

Naturally, we kept things civilized and it all fizzled out.
To date, as he hasn't kicked my door down, wanting to take my scalp, I have to assume that her husband is thankfully blissfully unaware of the affair.

My girlfriend and I got back together, later married, and had 3 healthy children (boy/girl/boy).
We divorced nearly 20 years later, but I maintained a relationship with my children.

I later remarried, and in the spirit of honesty, I told my new wife of that affair decades before.

Fast forward nearly four decades from that affair, and one Christmas, several of us received as a gift, a DNA testing kit, so we could see where the family originated from, and to see if there were long-lost relatives.

I thought nothing of it as I posted my saliva sample.

Several weeks later the results arrived.
Nothing remarkable until I read the bombshell result that the child from my affair, decades before, was actually my son.
He too must have done a DNA test.
I immediately hid my profile and confirmed categorically with the DNA site staff that he was indeed my son.

I told my now wife and her son, plus his wife (as they had bought the test kit).
I also told my level-headed sister-in-law and husband, because I sought their counsel.

My decision was (and still is) not to make any contact with my eldest son.
Eldest, because he predates my son from my previous marriage. My son from my previous marriage refers to himself as the eldest son.

I decided not to make contact with my eldest son purely because he and his father (the man he loves and knows as his father) more than likely do not know the whole story.
For me to come forward would be akin to me throwing a fizzing bomb into their midst.
I have known these facts for a couple of years, and whilst curious about him, have to think about him and his father.
In their case, ignorance may truly be bliss.
My confidantes agree with my decision and rationale for staying silent.

Unless he comes knocking on my door for answers, then it's a secret I have to keep from him.
I have no idea where his mother is (but I know she has since divorced), but I would most definitely tell her the result of the DNA test. She should know the truth. I can't carry the knowledge of this alone.
It even ran through my mind that should he become ill, she should know because I could be a suitable donor for some conditions.

My real dilemma lies with my three children from my previous marriage.
I have always been upfront and honest with my kids.
As much as I need to tell them the truth, I feel that to do so could be damaging.
Admittedly, their older half-brother was conceived whilst their mother and I had split up, but I know that they would be angered because I didn't spill the beans as soon as I found out.
If I did tell them, it's, without a doubt, they would want to know who he is.
To tell them would then throw that fizzing bomb into his, until now, totally ignorant of the facts, family unit.
It's not fair on him and them if I do.

Your views on my dilemma, please.

You haven’t always been upfront and honest though, have you ?
You absolutely should tell them, because it’s a secret half your family already know. And imagine if you die and then this first born comes into your kids life and you hadn’t told them. And what if he decides to go for 1/4 of an inheritance ? Yes, you should tell them. And I also think you should tell him.

In fact, if he’s done a DNA test he’ll already know that man isn’t his real dad, and perhaps he’s done it or find you.
Did you ever consider that you were, maybe, used as a sleep donor for a couple who couldn’t conceive ?

If you didn't want to tell them then you shouldn't have told anyone. They will find out one day, better if it comes from you.

I have to wonder too as per PP whether or not the mother was unable to conceive with her husband and slept with you in an effort to get pregnant, and when that was achieved broke things off. The question then would be whether her husband knew or not.

I also think you should come clean, but be prepared for your children to be pretty angry you’ve told so many people before them.

Speaking personally I’d be absolutely furious and hurt that your new wife’s son (and his wife) had been party to such personal information pertaining to my life while I had no idea… I’m astonished you’ve told so many people and not those who it affects the most.

I think it is more important to contact your new son, rather than your known children. Did he have a tree attached to his DNA test? It is almost certain that he will now know that his Mum's husband is not his genetic father. Why wouldn't you take the opportunity to let him know who his birth father is?

NB my parents had a similar timeline for their relationship, e.g. they went out as teenagers, split up for a year, then got back together, had a long marriage and eventually separated in later years. If I had found a new half sibling from a previous relationship when I did a DNA test, then I would have been delighted and want to know them. I certainly wouldn't feel angry or upset with my parent. Why would I?

This has actually happened to some cousins of my Mum - an unknown older half sibling got in contact with them following a DNA test. They see it as a positive to have been able to get to know him, and only regret that their Dad is no longer around to know him too.

You have to tell the 3 children from your marriage. I think you also have to reach out sensitively to the newly discovered son, but allow him to set the pace of any further communication. As to your 3 getting angry about not telling them sooner - meh, just say it was a bombshell and you needed time to process it.

So the one person who needs to know doesn't get told in your plans while you seemingly tell all and sundry. I'm gobsmacked at how self centred men are at times

If any of your children do a DNA test, they'll know. I would tell them before it gets to that.

You just tell them.

you were 18. You had a fling. The woman got pregnant. She told you it was her husbands though you weren’t sure but there was nothing you could do. You got with their mother had them and now you do this test and realise you’ve been lied to by the fling and now you all have a half brother and that you haven’t met him either.

fwiw OP my DC has two half sisters(not mine) . I’ve had to tell my DC because after I had DC I found out my ex had two children that were adopted.

they are 2 -4 yrs older than DC. We’re currently decided if DC wants to contact the councils responsible for the adoption and ask for their details to be put on the files for those two girls so they know they have another sibling who would like to meet them.

You need to tell them because other people know.

It really is that simple.

This is not a secret that will stay a secret.

Yes tell them.

presumably if they ever did a DNA test at that site their link to your other child would come out. Also I agree with others that it’s unfair to tell people like your current wife etc and NOT your children. That is asking for trouble. Secrets and lies!!

my approach would be to make as much effort as possible to find the mother/woman you had the baby with. If you find her you may find she has already come clean and that’s why the son is on a DNA site or you may get a wider context to his life before bomb shelling in to it.

Although I understand you not wanting to tip up his and his fathers world….he does deserve to know and if that causes issues well that’s something you,
and more specifically his mum, will have to take accountability for at last.

sorry op. It does sound a hard situation but you can’t take the weak/ easy way out. Better to take control than to end up all coming out by someone else and in some other way!

I would tell them but be clear you did not know this child was yours until the DNA test. I would also try to contact the mother to let her know. Surely if this person has done a dna test they have it figured out

@SauronsArsehole ah what a hard situations for your children. We had similar in our family and the children were able to have contact as children. Not a lot and nothing like a ‘sibling’ relationships, but letters/photos and a couple of meet ups. That was because the adoptive family were incredible open though! It meant they children had a basic relationship through their childhood and a couple have become close in adulthood (well very early adulthood as they are late teens).

What DNA kit did you use please?

I feel like you’re making this into a massive drama for no reason, my half brother discovered he had a half sister and we were all delighted. I don’t think your kids would think it was negative. I think you are projecting your own feelings. I agree with the poster that said you should try really hard to speak to the mother and figure out what’s going on. Again like someone else said he will have discovered he was not genetically related to his father when he uploaded his dna so he might welcome contact from you.

I've just got to add, OP, that it's likely your son knows that his dad isn't his biological dad if he's done a DNA test.

I know this isn’t the point of the thread, but why do 90% of the “man here” posts go on and on and ON? It happens far too often for it to be individual style…is it the online equivalent of loving the sound of their own voice?

^^ This.

If you wanted counsel, you should have sought it from your adult children. Figured out together what to do.

The eldest son from the affair clearly already knows the truth as he has done a DNA test. Has it really taken 2 years and a handful of confidants to figure that out? Surely not.

TLDR: Tell adult children asap. Offer grovelling apology for delay. Decide together if you want to approach eldest son.

Conversely to @totallyteutonic I found out I had an older half brother at 35 and it was not all roses. It felt like my whole life had been a lie, who my parent was was a lie, all those 'first' moments were a lie. I was hugely upset and became really ill with it. It really fucked me up for about two years. My relationship with my parent throughout was super close (and still is), which made it all feel really conflicting. I can only describe it as feeling like an affair might - you totally love them but are absolutely devastated by the lie and what they did.

Relationship with half-brother is basically non-existent, I don't want anything to do with him. My relationship with my parent is excellent, but I find talk of anything like this extremely upsetting.

I genuinely wish I'd never known, to be honest. It's just caused hurt for everyone, including the parent. I WISH I was able to welcome the news but I really couldn't.

My DH had a child with a gf before we got married which I knew about, but there was no contact (his mum denied he was the father) even though he paid child maintenance. We then moved abroad for work. Decades later, my DH was the one who made the first move in contacting his eldest child, and we told our then adult dc soon after. They were delighted, with dd saying that she had always wanted an older sister. We all have a good relationship now, so please tell your children and leave it up to them.
DH subsequently passed away of a terminal illness and I was always so glad that he had contacted his first child before he was even aware of it, so that she knew the contact was made solely because he wanted to know her. Do not be afraid of reaching out first.

To avoid confusion in my pp, it was DH's mum who insisted that her son was not the father of the child and the cm he paid was court mandated.

That's a really warming outcome @haggisandcoos, thank you for sharing

You're right to be cautious. Some things that might help your decision. Just because your don has done a dna test doesn't mean he knows his father isn't his unless his father has also done a test. He may be confused why he's not getting more random relatives on his dad's dide showing up but you'll know if you've fone one of these that it's not easy to trace where these 4th and 5th cousins are in the family tree.

He may have done one because he does know and is searching and there are adoption / tracer sites you can place your dersils if you're happy to be contacted which is a better way of doing this as it is up to your son not you if he wants contact.

If you're children do a test on the same site your eldest son will show as half brother / first cousin ( I have a half brother and that's how ancestry shows it) not immediately a flag up but would definitely raise questions.

I would tell your 3 children. You will probably have a couple of days of upset and questions but hopefully that will settle and will prepare them in case this brother does contact you to meet.