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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Daughter dilemma

24 replies

Marbs1234 · 21/06/2023 14:21

Hi everyone

I'm in a dilemma and would appreciate some advice or suggestions. Ok so here goes. My husband and I separated 8 months ago after I found out he was helping an ex out behind my back. I found messages on his phone which caused us to separate as also our relationship hadn't been great for awhile. He's still living at his mums and I have moved house to clear my mortgage taking my 24 year old daughter with me. Me and my husband have realised that we would like to try again- this is my second marriage (his too) of 15 years. He is like a dad to my daughter and always has been as her own dad shows no interest.
During the breakdown of our relationship my daughter witnessed him drinking heavily and getting verbally abusive towards me and her. This has only happened the once as our relationship had become intolerable and he has apologised to her and offered the olive branch.
She is making things really difficult for us. At the moment he comes round when she is out and I feel she's trying to control me. I do understand that she doesn't want me or her to be in the situation again but life is too short.
She's 24 she has a fantastic well paid professional job and is saving everything she earns towards a mortgage. I've suggested that when we live as a family again she won't have to pay board to help her towards her house. We have lived as a family happily since she was young until this recently but she
Is making everything really awkward
Please can anyone offer any advice

OP posts:

travelingtortoise · 21/06/2023 14:48

Don't try and buy her compliance by bribing her to be ok with him.

He broke your trust, but he broke hers too, and she's not obliged to work to your timeline to have it rebuilt.

You say 'She is making things really difficult for us. At the moment he comes round when she is out and I feel she's trying to control me.' but you don't say anything about how.

What exactly is she doing that's controlling, other than avoiding being around him?

Original poster

Marbs1234 · 21/06/2023 15:35

My daughter is youngest of 3 from first marriage. She has always been with me since me and her dad split up. She was 7 and not much contact between them. She lived with her dad and his partner during the pandemic however but then came back to living with us as she was constantly falling out with her. Currently she wants to know where I am all of the time I have felt claustrophobic for a long time with her as she works hard but has no social life and has always relied on me and her step dad. We have lived happily as a family of 3 for years..just last year was horrible. It's a waste to throw it all away and I know it takes time for everyone to adapt including the wider family.

OP posts:

HundredMilesAnHour · 21/06/2023 15:40

You may have decided to forgive him and move on, but that doesn't mean your daughter has to. It sounds like she doesn't agree with your decision to get back with him, and understandably has lost trust in you as well given that you're sneaking around with him when she's out.

bibbityboppityboo · 21/06/2023 15:41

Your ex was drunk and verbally abusive to you both - she doesn't have to forgive that and suddenly want to play happy families with him moving back in and you two trying again.

However at 24 she doesn't have to live at home either.

Life is too short for what? To go back to a man who was doing things for his ex behind your back, was drunk and verbally abusive?

If your relationship hadn't been great for a while then she's probably lived in an uncomfortable atmosphere and doesn't want to repeat.

MissyB1 · 21/06/2023 15:45

HundredMilesAnHour · 21/06/2023 15:40

OP doesn’t have to “sneak around” as it’s none of her 24 year old’s business where she is or who she’s with. She also doesn’t have to agree with OP getting back together with her ex.

I suggest this young woman moves out and starts living as an independent adult.

saraclara · 21/06/2023 15:48

He broke your trust, but he broke hers too, and she's not obliged to work to your timeline to have it rebuilt.

That. Just because you've decided that he's worth trying again with, doesn't mean that she agrees, or is at the same stage as you. She will not have forgotten his behaviour to her and there's no reason she should forgive him in your timeline (or at all).

Normally I'd say that someone of that age should just leave if she's not happy with your decisions about who lives in your home, but she's already had to watch you make a big change when it came to your shared home, and now you're making a decision that renders it all for nothing..

IwishIcouldButIcantSoIwont · 21/06/2023 15:50

"Currently she wants to know where I am all of the time I have felt claustrophobic for a long time with her as she works hard but has no social life and has always relied on me and her step dad."

She isn't a child any more, but is behaving like it - because you've allowed her to. She's a grown woman of 24. Time for her to move out, but until she does, she should be paying board, and she should be made to realise that you don't need to tell her where you are, who you're with, etc.

Weal · 21/06/2023 15:56

As others have said- if DH was abusive to you both it is up to her to make decisions about her relationship with him going forward. It’s perfectly fine if she needs more time to forgive or if she is just done with him. I have to say though you have not been that clear on what DH actually said and did. Could you be minimising his actions?

However she is an adult so you can now make decisions about your life and she will have to adapt around them (eg move out if she doesn’t want to be in a house where your DH is).

You need to take steps to manage her controlling behaviour eg ignore her texts if she is texting too much or demanding information.

I think the issue with your DH and the controlling behaviour are two separate, albeit it linked, issues.

Original poster

Marbs1234 · 21/06/2023 16:02

I think I have made allowances over the years for her as me and her step dad have lived happily together since she was 7 and her dad and partner have shown no interest. As mentioned earlier she didn't get on with his partner so she came back.
I love my daughter very much she is successful in her career she earns 3x what I do. She hasn't been in a relationship as it's work or playing sports. That's all fine as I know and she knows that She would rather stay in at the weekend than go out and socialise. I'm more outgoing and like company and I'm now in my 60s. One day (if I don't try at my marriage again) I'll be sat by myself as by then she'll be living elsewhere and getting on with her life. No one will give me a second thought. I'm trying to stay in the middle but can't please both

OP posts:

doodleygirl · 21/06/2023 16:07

What steps is your husband taking to ensure he is no longer abusive. Just saying he won’t behave that way again doesn’t normally demonstrate this.

Original poster

Marbs1234 · 21/06/2023 16:11

He's been in touch with the whole family apologising that he made some poor choices and that he understands how much he's let everyone down. He's trying to put things right by addressing his drinking issues which have escalated over the past year because of work issues.

OP posts:

LadyDanburysHat · 21/06/2023 16:13

It honestly sounds like your daughter has more sense than you. You seem to be getting back into a relationship just so you aren't lonely. She doesn't have to accept the relationship, but also as others have said she can choose to move out.

Original poster

Marbs1234 · 21/06/2023 16:19

I'm getting back into a 15 year marriage which has been great except for the last year. I accept that everybody messes up. We all make poor choices at some point in our lives. I am prioritising my own thoughts and feelings as my family are all grown up and shouting at each other after drinking and storming out in front of my daughter has never happened before so it's not been great. I am prepared to leave the past where it belongs.

OP posts:

NBLarsen · 21/06/2023 16:30

"We have lived as a family happily since she was young until this recently"

I bet your daughter would say something very different.
You seem to be jumping back into a broken relationship out of fear of being left alone, that's not a good reason. You haven't even mentioned that you love him.
I imagine your daughter might have been relieved the relationship ended and is concerned about it restarting.

BoohooWoohoo · 21/06/2023 16:45

14 years of no drama doesn't cancel out the 1 year of misery. Your dd doesn't have to forgive your h immediately just because you forgave him as you fear being lonely.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 21/06/2023 16:56

I agree with you OP. It's your life to do with what you want, if you're sure you want to try again. I doubt very much that your DD ( or indeed people on here) would be happy if you were to interfere with any of her relationships. Communication is key though. Your DD sounds very insecure so she'll need a lot of reassurance that's she's not losing you.

HundredMilesAnHour · 21/06/2023 16:58

I'd really like to hear the daughter's version as I suspect it's very different.

MissCynic · 31/10/2023 02:22

I was a single mother. My daughter’s father wasn’t a great role model and father but he didn’t have the best upbringing, to be fair to him.
She has had food issues and has been overweight since age 10. I’ve done my best to help, support and advise her but she went against advice and had a gastric band fitted (she’s not even that obese) at goodness knows what cost a few years ago. It’s not worked, anyway.
My daughter married and has a child, but following the traumatic birth of my granddaughter she has had some health issues. However her health issues are not being helped by the fact that she eats ultra processed junk and I think she’s addicted to sugar. Processed food causes inflammation; inflammation causes pain. I’ve tried to advise to no avail. My daughter’s husband is lovely, but gets walked over and doesn’t seem to be too concerned about how my granddaughter must perceive such behaviour or appreciate how this behaviour might play out as she grows up. She’s given junk to eat also. I don’t get involved now. But it’s hard. I get told things by my son in law - chocolate for breakfast, for example.
They are living in a terrible state, with their house cluttered, dirty and disorganised, with cats and rabbits living indoors. Daughter binge watches Netflix rather than clean. I fear that one day my son in law might decide that enough is enough and leave.
What hurts me is that my daughter spends more time with an aunt on her dad’s side of the family. She lives in a similar fashion, not very bright (according to her own husband!) and only has sons. She’s always wanted a daughter. I feel so hurt and betrayed as she doesn’t seem to care how her actions with my daughter might impact upon me. My daughter doesn’t bother with her father any more, following an unwarranted social media rant about him.
I can’t understand how my daughter has grown up to be the opposite of everything I hoped she’d stand for. She has some lovely qualities- and I tell her this, but she likes to post about things on social media for attention and I don’t understand it. Having been verbally and emotionally abused as a child myself, I’m mindful of the self esteem of others. I do lots for my granddaughter. Others close to her are disappointed at her behaviour and worried about how it might impact upon her daughter as she grows up. I know that I can only stand back and be there for her if the proverbial hits the fan. I’m just wondering if there’s anyone else out there who is in a similar situation? It’s so hard to see those you love damaging their health and surrounding themselves with people who will never challenge their way of life. She’s clearly depressed / unhappy but it’s so hard to watch. And yes, I admit I feel a bit cheated at having given up so much to try to give her the best start in life. Its not about me but it raises many feelings I used to have about myself. Feelings of being unloved and inferior due to the abuse I endured. Feelings that I’ve only recently (in my forties and early fifties) begun to conquer.
I’d just be interested to hear if anyone else is going through similar or has gone through similar and come out the other side?

MissCynic · 02/11/2023 19:26

Testing, testing…

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 03/11/2023 07:30

@MissCynic

I'm sorry that you haven't had any replies.

I would start your own thread

MissCynic · 03/11/2023 07:59

I thought I had 🤪 New to this malarkey!

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 03/11/2023 08:07

MissCynic · 03/11/2023 07:59

I thought I had 🤪 New to this malarkey!

Onelifeonly · 03/11/2023 10:59

I'd say she has to suck it up. It's your life and what you have said you want sounds reasonable to me - you want a second try at a marriage of 15 years that was previously a happy one.

There's no reason that she can't continue to live at home if she wants, but she has to accept your choices. I'd be firm with her and explain this is what's going to happen and that you'd appreciate her support. You could negotiate house rules or whatever (eg you don't eat meals together, use of bathroom / living room) so that she isn't forced into having to be with him a lot. Or you could support her into becoming more independent and eventually moving out - her choice.

My nearly 23 to lives with us, has a job and long distance bf. She doesn't mix with us that much, eats in her room etc. We don't push her to do so as we understand she could be living independently (though can't afford it at the moment anyway). When she wants to join in, that's fine. But there are many days when I barely exchange more than a few words with her.

2chocolateoranges · 03/11/2023 11:02

He’s been abusive and you are taking him back. Sounds like your dd is the sensible one here.

just because you have forgiven him , doesn’t mean she has to.

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