Adult niece

[HelloHandsome]

Due to living abroad for a long time I saw very little of my niece as she was growing up. Now she’s 20 and I had hoped we could be friendly. I didn’t think we could be close. As I wasn’t around when she was growing up I’m probably more like a distant cousin.

My niece is polite but not particularly interested. By 20 is it too late to be accepted as extended family if you weren’t around earlier?

in a word

no

Well people do manage to form relationships with long lost relatives, so I suppose its possible.

Depends how old you are? At 20 I had a whole life and set of friends my own age, lived away at university etc - it was a different life than a young child at home with parents.

Being friendly to me just means being polite at family functions, signing birthday cards etc. What are your expectations?

It’s possible but a bit like friends - you either click or don’t.

Id start by taking her out to quite a nice instagrammy restaurant and treating her to a nice meal

At 20 you're focused on making your own life away from family, rather than looking for more family connections. So I'd keep your expectations realistic.

Of course it also depend on the personalities of both, the general family vibe with regards to inclusiveness and warmth (and the number of get togethers).

There's no reason that you can't be close eventually, but at this age especially, it could take time.

My relationship with an aunt has become really close in the last ten years. We were fine before, but just not hugely on each other's radar. I was in my late 50s and she was 82 when we realised that we were really in tune with each other. She's amazing.

Hopefully it won't take you that long!

I’m 32 years older than niece. Expectation would be her knowing that there’s a supportive older relative around in years to come. I think at the moment I am probably the horrific spectre of middle age.

That’s lovely. I am pleased to hear it. I have gotten to know more extended family in recent years and it has always been positive.

Well it’s much easy to bond if you are in the same place. Do you visit regularly? Or maybe you live somewhere she would enjoy a holiday, now she is old enough to travel alone or with a friend?

Hmmm 32 years is quite a gap, especially between a 20 year old and a relative they don't really have a relationship with!

At the moment she probably just thinks you're a bit of a stranger, are you close with her parents? Do you pop over to see your sibling often? That's probably a good natural start to speaking more often / getting a better relationship.

Is there anything she's particularly interested in that you know about or something you share, like a hobby? That's a good starting point for conversation and making that connection 😊

Hopefully if you just become a bit of a fixture in her life she'll gradually grow to feel closer to you? I've got a similar age gap with my aunt and similar circumstances, I wish she'd have been as interested in a relationship with me as you are with your niece - common ground definitely would have helped!

All depends on what sort of effort you made ?
I had elderly great aunt who never forgot a birthday ,Easter graduation
Only saw her a couple of times in my childhood but appreciated her efforts
Depends on her feelings and social habits - why not just say "hey I'm in the county now I'd like to get to know you " but personally I'd be a bit put out if this is out if the blue

Unfortunately I still live hundreds of miles away and don’t often get the chance to see her parents. 😫I think I might be asking too much what with the age gap and the geographical distance.

If you are still living abroad she might be delighted to visit you and out of her normal environment ye may form a friendship. Some of my nephew/ nieces live abroad and its only really since they have started to come here on their own while travelling that we have developed an adult relationship. There is a bond there especially as they are keenly interested in getting to know the family story and building attachments

I don’t know my auntie and uncle really at all since they lived in another country and we probably only saw them 2 or 3 times before I was 20. However when I went travelling I stayed with them for a week or so and they were very hospitable and we forged a relationship.
We are still not close due to distance but we keep in contact through social media and if she ever visits my country or I hers I would make an effort to see her (my uncle sadly passed) I am now in my 40s though.
It’s definitely possible to have a relationship but probably not a close one

Yes I was the same. Didn’t do Easter but apart from that.

Start by sending cards with a longer note inside or can you hound the family what's up group

That’s good to hear

While I love my nieces and nephews dearly (most of whom are adults) I wouldn't expect to be more friendly than seeing them at family events or sending cards at Christmas and birthdays.

We're planning to move soon from London ro Frome in Somerset. My nephew works as a chef in Bristol, so not far. I can imagine going for a meal in his restaurant on a night he's working and maybe having a drink during his break but that's it,

I'm probably closer to some of my cousins because we're of a similar age.

Sorry meant to say I'm interested in them and want them to be well and happy. I get on with them when I see them but wouldn't hang out with them!

What is it you want from her? Do you now live same country?

You say you want to be a supportive older relative? Has she still got parents? She may interpret this as she wants you to support her.

I agree that start gently with notes, maybe explaining that you connecting with all your relatives now you’re in the UK (or wherever).

However, my dc, of similar age , although know all their aunts and uncles who are spread across the country, don’t contact them of their own back. They’ve never had that relationship, despite knowing them all their lives.

I’m 52 and have nieces and nephews in their 30s - I like to think I’m close to them, I ask about their families, try to have a laugh with them, send birthday cards and Christmas cards, presents etc. Sadly I think I’m largely irrelevant to them. They’ll probably think of me fondly at my funeral but any attempts to actually have a relationship with them have fallen on stony ground. The age gap is too much and they are too wrapped up in their own lives with their own peer group.

Yes, I guess the different generations are at very different life stages as well. Probably easier for someone in their 50s to build a relationship with a relative in their 70s.

Well i think you sound nice op.
She'll appreciate you one day, but at 20 she wont yet.

WTAF?