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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Mum or me being unreasonable?

13 replies

Starfish125 · 09/06/2023 17:12

Sorry in advance because it's such a ridiculous 'problem' but I need to know if it's me out of order or my mum!

Tiny background story so not to drip feed but my dad passed away suddenly aged 55 3 years ago, consequently leaving everyone broken hearted especially me (only child) and my mum. Since dad's death my mum has understandably stuck to me and my DP and our DC like glue as she obviously feels lonely, sad etc. She's got better in the way that she doesn't ring me every day or expect to be doing stuff with us all the time but it's very obvious that anything we do as a family (me, DP and DC) she wants to be a part of or join in and sometimes it's okay but sometimes we want to just do things ourselves.

So the ridiculous issue is is that we are off to the beach tomorrow which is a 2 hour drive away and we have a cat who has epilepsy and on medication. When I told DM about the day trip she said oh how lovely etc etc and then proceeded to tell me about her friend at work who's daughter is so good to her by inviting her on all her jaunts away etc so I could tell she was a bit irked we didn't invite her along. Anyway, I said if you are about tomorrow would u mind popping in and feeding the cat and doing his meds (not time specific, anything from 2-6pm) and she answered with, pissed off, well if I'm about. Which we both know she is as she said she had 'no plans'. I said dw about it, to which she huffily said fine I'll do it and then I said seriously don't worry, because I was so annoyed to be made to feel like I had asked her to do some huge favour. (She lives 5 minutes away).

So am I being unreasonable? Selfish for not inviting her on a day out and asking her to feed my cat? Or is she the one unreasonable? Because right now I'm feeling really annoyed and a bit shocked!

OP posts:
Littlemissprosecco · 09/06/2023 17:21

Hi, I’ve been in the same position, it’s hard, but you’ve done the right thing. She can’t expect to go absolutely everywhere with you. You may need to start excluding her a little to start encouraging her to become more independent. It will happen, but it does take time. Small steps, it’s hard for everyone, but sounds like you’ve taken the first one. She’ll be fine!!
Thank her when you get back, ask what exciting things she did with her day, don’t rub in what she missed out on. Good luck

Original poster
Starfish125 · 09/06/2023 17:34

Littlemissprosecco · 09/06/2023 17:21

Hi, I’ve been in the same position, it’s hard, but you’ve done the right thing. She can’t expect to go absolutely everywhere with you. You may need to start excluding her a little to start encouraging her to become more independent. It will happen, but it does take time. Small steps, it’s hard for everyone, but sounds like you’ve taken the first one. She’ll be fine!!
Thank her when you get back, ask what exciting things she did with her day, don’t rub in what she missed out on. Good luck

Thank you..it's so hard isn't it? I'm always torn with her by feeling so sorry for her that she's now on her own but equally I want to do things with my own little family. She's not actually agreed to do the cat so I need to ask my MIL who lives a lot further away which is embarrassing! 😔

OP posts:
angstridden2 · 09/06/2023 17:40

There seem to be a lot of threads like this today. Has the heat made parents more needy suddenly?

Littlemissprosecco · 09/06/2023 17:41

I think you just very gently need to start being a little firmer with her.
could you ask a neighbour? Just thank them with a bottle of wine

RedHelenB · 09/06/2023 17:42

I think it's a bit cheeky to leave her out but to ask her to do you a favour with the cat. Yabu

Ilikewinter · 09/06/2023 17:46

RedHelenB · 09/06/2023 17:42

I think it's a bit cheeky to leave her out but to ask her to do you a favour with the cat. Yabu

Why is it cheeky to as her mum to help her out?. Theres not a written rule that says her mum has to do everything and go everywhere with her daughter.

Violinist64 · 09/06/2023 17:51

I am very sorry for the untimely loss of your father. It must have been a dreadful time for you both. This being said, you are absolutely doing the right thing. Your mother is a similar age to me so still relatively young. Despite her grief she needs to be doing more for herself. She is not a little old lady. If you carry on like this, you will be her age and still looking after her. It is not healthy for either of you. Of course, it is nice to include your mother on some of your family outings but not all the time and it should be your choosing when it is.

LordEmsworth · 09/06/2023 17:51

Ilikewinter · 09/06/2023 17:46

Why is it cheeky to as her mum to help her out?. Theres not a written rule that says her mum has to do everything and go everywhere with her daughter.

Show quote history

But there is an unwritten rule that, if you know someone wants to be invited and you don't want to invite them, then you don't ask them to do a favour to allow you to go out... OP's obviously not unreasonable to not include her DM, but I really wouldn't have asked her to sort the cat!

crazeekat · 10/06/2023 13:43

i totally know how this feel just now with my
dad coming round at any given time of the day any day week or night, even if he knows i'm on night shift he comes in using his speaker key. it gets on my last nerve but i don't want to be rude to him. he is retired, widowed and he just doesn't give a fuck. he does give me a hand with things like the garden and i totally appreciated him and love him to bits but it's seriously too much. he drives past to see if our cars are there and if so in he comes. he just doesn't consider anything we might be doing. even if he can see we are going out he just sits n sits so we are late for things.

yanbu in the slightest. your mum
is being totally childish and like my dad is not giving any consideration to you as a family.

just start doing things urself, don't tell her then on the day say u decided last minute. u will feel bad for her but like me it has to be done. good luck and i hope she has come out her petty mood now

BeaBachinasec · 11/06/2023 08:31

But there is an unwritten rule that, if you know someone wants to be invited and you don't want to invite them, then you don't ask them to do a favour to allow you to go out

I see it as OP gently letting her mum know that she isn't included in this particular trip but she can help her daughter (and the cat!) out and she's being treated like a functioning adult.

OP - does your mum work, have friends, things she'll do independently of you?

Daffodilwoman · 11/06/2023 08:40

Your mother is the unreasonable one. She cannot expect to stick to you like a leech. I say that as someone who was brought up in an extremely close family too. Why can’t she do things with other people? What about her friends? What was it like when your father was alive? Did she not have other family and friends?
Strangely I was talking about this with dd yesterday. We went out together for the day and both of us said how important it is to keep your relationship with friends strong. You never know when you will need them. It is very shortsighted to put all your eggs in one basket and only ever do things with your oh. This seems to be proof of that. It’s not your responsibility to provide 24 hour entertainment to your mother. She needs to remember that you have lost your father too.
I’d stop telling her all your plans and don’t invite her on everything.
I say this as someone who is seeing my own mother today dispute having a gazillion other things to do.

WandaWonder · 11/06/2023 08:59

RedHelenB · 09/06/2023 17:42

I think it's a bit cheeky to leave her out but to ask her to do you a favour with the cat. Yabu

This sums it up for me

HandbagsnGladrags · 11/06/2023 09:01

See my thread in relationships! I'm 10 years down the line since my dad died, and mum still expects to be invited everywhere. My advice would be to start encouraging her to do things on her own, bit by bit.

But re the cat: no, not an unreasonable expectation.

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