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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Daughter who lives abroad

30 replies

Annie1955 · 29/05/2023 08:48

Hi there, just wanted some advice. My daughter lives abroad and has done for over 6 years now. Sometimes she is very forthcoming when I contact her and sometimes she just ignores me.
I try not to bother her very much just sometimes send her some nonsense just to keep in contact.
We moved house about 6 months ago and she still has a UK bank account and also a bank account in her new country. I need her to change her UK bank account address and for some reason she still has not done this and when I ask her she just ignores me. She says she will do this but no idea why she can't just do it as it will take a few minutes. I am also worried with all the scam situations that money may be taken from it without her even knowing and I know that there was a large payment from her aunty when she died that went in there.
I was never like this with my mum. We have always got on really well and were very close and contacted each other all the time. This seemed to change maybe a couple of years ago and yes she is very happy with a wonderful man who she is married to.
I know I am probably just fussing about but it is making me feel very sad about the situation. She is also the same with her father.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 29/05/2023 08:51

I totally sympathise, I’m in the same situation with my DD but she only lives 30 minutes away.
Id say to leave the bank account alone. Forget it. She is an adult and it’s her responsibility, it’s not your business and she will resent you for interfering.

HadEnough2023 · 29/05/2023 08:58

Give her time, I was like this with my mum in my 20s however my 30s were always pinging random WhatsApps back & fourth.
I don't see her very often though maybe 2-3 times a year. I don't think kids get how important there parents are till they get older.

Original poster
Annie1955 · 29/05/2023 15:05

My daughter has lived in Hong Kong for nearly 7 years now, she is 33 and I miss her a lot but as you say I guess she has to live her life. Her husband whose parents also live in UK is always contacting them that's what makes it worse.

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Original poster
Annie1955 · 29/05/2023 15:05

You're right, just don't know where the closeness that we used to have has gone, so sad

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yesithinkido · 01/06/2023 16:43

Have you reached out and asked her if you have done something wrong- and mentioned that if you have it wasn't intentional?
Tell her you'd love more contact with her but you know she's busy - ask her when is a good time you can call for a chat?
Send her photos via what's app of things you and your husband have been up to. Mention things she knows about - tell her you were thinking of her when you were there as you know she always used to like it etc.
Be brave - don't make a scene - keep it upbeat xx

Original poster
Annie1955 · 01/06/2023 20:57

Thanks for reply. I do all that but about 50% of the time just get ignored and when I've asked if I've done something she says no. My husband works abroad also and he gets same treatment. It seems to depend on what mood she's in as to response. I sent her something in the post about 3 weeks ago, just a little silly card and because I haven't heard if she'd received it I sent a WhatsApp to ask and been ignored. She never used to be like this, we used to be very close.

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Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/06/2023 21:01

This makes me feel guilty I loved abroad in my 20 s and was the same with my parents I think! The main thing is the time difference and also being out and about all the time - the ex Pat life is so sociable uou just don't have those lonely boring evenings on the sofa when you think you'll make phone calls.
With the post you could either redirect to your house, or just leave it and let her deal with the consequences if any occur (if she didn't bother doing this between two Uk addresses that weren't yours, you'd never know- she's an adult you don't have to do her admin for her).
Have you been out to visit? That's a nice way to bond

Original poster
Annie1955 · 02/06/2023 07:45

Yes we've been out a few times and the first couple she was all over us but then last couple it was different and she forgot mothers day this year, first time ever, but strangely her husband remembered to call his mum in the UK

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silverlentils · 02/06/2023 07:51

My daughter lives abroad and was just like this for a couple of years. It was very hard but it turned out she was struggling with a few things in her personal life and didn't want to talk to me because she likes to just deal with it herself. And also because she was working through how she felt about some stuff from her childhood. End result was I got shut out for a while.

In the end she worked through this time and has opened up again. I think you can only make sure she knows you love her and are there for her and make sure she doesn't feel she needs to manage your feelings about things - that there is nothing that could possibly be perceived by her as guilt tripping (even if that's not how you intend it). It's very hard I know.

BookWorm45 · 02/06/2023 07:58

As other PPs have said, you can ignore that bank account item. It is completely up to her as an adult to resolve it- not up to you. If you mention it again, it will give the impression a) that you are only in touch to nag, and b) that you don't trust her to be an adult.

You mentioned that you sent her a silly card, and that you sent her nonsense (in your first post). Maybe this is part of it - I wouldn't know what to reply to someone who sent me something silly / nonsense. I would reply to someone who sent me a real update on their life / questions about my life.

Original poster
Annie1955 · 02/06/2023 10:29

I sent her a card which normally she would like, something personal that she would have usually liked.

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Original poster
Annie1955 · 02/06/2023 12:41

I've done the asking questions as to how she is and what has she been doing etc but very little response

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Original poster
Annie1955 · 02/06/2023 12:42

Thank you, I live in hope x

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Hbh17 · 02/06/2023 12:45

The bank account is her problem, not yours. But the more you contact her, the less likely she will be to respond and she will feel that she's being hounded. You can't force things, so she she will choose when/whether to be in touch.

readbooksdrinktea · 02/06/2023 12:49

It's her problem, OP. The bank account is her responsibility. Leave her be. It hurts, and I get that, but you can't force it. Focus on any other children, family or friends.

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/06/2023 12:49

I wonder why we're not more inclined to say "Your behaviour is really hurtful. Just because we live in different countries it doesn't mean you should act like I don't exist. "

soberfabulous · 02/06/2023 12:52

Hello OP this is a tough one.

I'm the daughter who lives abroad: moved overseas 15 years ago.

I am similar to your daughter in that I am lower contact than I used to be with my parents.

I was close to my parents too but what happened was with distance, perspective and age, I was able to process some parts of my childhood that were unpleasant and unacceptable. My parents were both functioning alcoholics and this clouded my whole upbringing.

Once I had space away from them I could reflect and realized things were not as i thought. My parents won't engage in any communication on the subject so now we are more distant in our comms.

I am not saying this is the same in your case but perhaps there are things she is working though that you're unaware of.

My parents visit twice a year (for 3-4 weeks at at time!) and I find it challenging.

You say you were close: did anything significant happen around the time contact dropped off?

Oliotya · 02/06/2023 13:29

Could it be a coping mechanism? I lived abroad for years and sometimes it was really hard having constant contact and reminders of home.

yutu · 02/06/2023 14:31

I have lived thousands of miles away from my parents for over 20 years. However we still chat often, we do video calls once a week and send messages almost daily. I had a very close relationship with my mum and that never changed. I would tell her pretty much everything and know that she would do anything for me if I ever needed.

Its hard to say why your daugther is acting this way, I dont think it has much to do with the long distance if you had a close relationship before. There might be other reasons deep down, you should try to find out, maybe go visit her and spend some time together? Do you have a good relationship with your son in law?

There is no need to be jealous of the husbands parents. It is completely up to him how much he wants to contact his parents, they may have a better/closer relationship. That really has nothing to do with how much contact your daugther would like to have with you.

My inlaws (who also live far from us) get jealous when they know I contact my parents much much more often than my husband does with them. The reality is just that he is never close to his parents as I am to mine, it has nothing to do with me or where we live.

Original poster
Annie1955 · 02/06/2023 22:38

I have said something similar on a previous occasion but was basically told I'm not ignoring you!! I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens over time. I think it just hurts because up until about 3 years ago we were so close and I have no idea what happened but people change I guess.

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Original poster
Annie1955 · 03/06/2023 17:17

It would be nice, I think we don't want to make things worse I guess

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Willmafrockfit · 07/06/2023 08:37

do you ring her op@Annie1955
or just message?

Original poster
Annie1955 · 07/06/2023 08:39

Because of time difference we have to arrange any phone calls and because of the times she works as she's Head of English in international school she has a lot of work to do so don't want to disturb her if she's having quality time with her husband or friends

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Respberrypachouli · 07/06/2023 08:50

I’m a daughter who lives abroad and we’ve always been really close with my mum. I moved away when I was 20 and since then I realised how much my mum triggers me so I had to have a couple of years to heal and learn to hold my boundaries. By the way, my mum is absolutely lovely, caring and brilliant. I’m now in my late 30s and we talk every week or so.

Hopelesscynic · 07/06/2023 09:15

Hi OP, I get how you feel. Knowing your son in law calls his parents (probably often in your DDs) presence makes you wonder why she wouldn't do similar, particularly on special occasions such as Mother's Day.
As PPs said, it doesn't do any good for you to compare his relationship with his parents to yours with DD. If you take her word at face value (she's said that you haven't done anything wrong), it may be a combination of several things, e.g.

  • She works in a busy role, with little time/energy to spare for calls and random texts (even in the family)
  • The big time difference creates even more of a hassle and difficulty for making calls
  • She is introverted (or has become more introverted over the years)
  • She doesn't have any bad feelings towards you or her dad, but she doesn't have much need for you in her life either (sorry of this sounds hurtful).
I think best thing to do is have a very frank (but not too heavy) conversation with her. Just tell her you miss her and you wish you'd be as close as before. Ask her if there's any reasons she doesn't engage as often. Phrase it in a way that is You wanting to understand her and what she wants of the relationship, rather than sounding demanding or needy.
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