Who can guide our 18 yr old son through his rut (Lost his way)

[BethButton]

My DH and I are yet again at our wits end. Son will be 19 in August. He is in a frustrated rut with his lot. I am sure he is becoming depressed and is volatile at times. Awarded GCSEs as didn't sit them, college course changes have left him with a level 1 qualification (he doesn't dedicate himself so probably the wrong course choice (again by him). He has a part time job but he is very bored there. He has a bit of a moody girlfriend too with no money, wants him to drive her everywhere, + doesn't want to meet us (after 9 months!)

We are a small family (no cousins, uncles or grandfathers, fathers-in law). He doesn't not see plain sense, or rather anyone else's point of view. He believes everyone else is wrong when he doesn't get his way. Does not like being criticized and yet when anyone points out something that is reasonable to most people, he takes it as a criticism. His thinking is fast and often erroneous, but he has something about him (personality). He's generous, fun at time, loves animals, but doesn't know which path is right for him. He enjoyed army cadets when younger, but forces have not interested him since.

We are reasonably educated, and reasonable people but he has the power to really make us doubt ourselves, increasingly. It puts a strain on our relationship to a point, but more worried about his lack of anger management. His dear sister (16 in august) is suffering as a result (in the middle of her GCSEs, and is as tolerant to him as she can be expected to be!)
He is bright, but obnoxious. What do you do with boys who are immature at this age. I want the best for him but if nothing changes then nothing will change.

He has to see this but our tough love has to become tougher. It is so difficult to compare to others...have we been too tough, too soft, too loving, too hands off?

We would dearly love to see him through to successful early 20s, Feel he needs a counsellor, mentor coach type hand on his shoulder. I have offered him counselling but he absolutely refuses it.

We have tried hard to work out what to do, and supported the ideas he has, but just can't make "the horse" drink the water, so to speak. He does well in test situations but isn't academic.

How do they find their path these days or journey of self-discovery on limited funds ?
Wondering if he will be like this when he is in his 30s (God forbid) but would love to hear that teens like this pull through somehow when the penny drops...but know it will have to be something he works out on his own....as it feels as though we don't have anything left in the tank anymore . Very upsetting, very sad and utterly depressing as we don't know if he'll ever be alright as a man.

Sounds like he needs a "here's how much the rent is" conversation. With the rent being set high enough that he needs a FT job.

Otherwise he moves out.

You've been kind so far, you've given him opportunities. Now he needs to find a way.

Does he have any plans?

What is he interested in?
Would some sort of apprenticeship work?

I really sympathise and wish I had some good advice. You sound like you're doing the very best you can. Is your son neurotypical?

Honestly he sounds no different to my three boys, one the same age at uni but I would describe him in the exactly the same way.

They DO sort themselves out and my (Nearly 19 year old) is immature for his age which I largely put down to covid. My older boys haven't taken conventional routes.... one went to uni later and one has jumped from Job to job.

Try not to stress as much. He will work out at some stage he dislikes being bored. He will sort out whether the 'moody' girl is for him. And does it really matter if she doesn't want to meet? Sometimes (kindly) it's better to release the reins.

100% this.

If he's working towards something like college, I'd support him, but there can sometimes be far too much "pie in the sky" thinking from people along the lines of "he doesn't know what he truly wants to do". Welcome to adulthood! He needs to get in the real world. He needs tough love.

Is he still in college? It sounds like he is? So he has college, a part-time job and a girl friend who gets him out of the house. He may not be doing brilliantly academically or career-wise, but he doesn’t sound particularly under-motivated. It sounds like he’s doing alright for his age. Is it primarily the anger that’s the issue?

How do you know the girlfriend is moody if you haven't met her? Possibly your DS has described her as such to put you off meeting her? He has maybe described you as difficult parents, hence her not wanting to meet you? I ask this in case you are just stuck in negativity with your DS, and him with you.
I agree with the above poster that you need to mention rent or the cost of moving out, particularly if your DD is suffering.
Does he game? There are career options there.
It sounds pretty miserable for you all at the moment so you may need to clearly suggest he makes his "boring" part time job full time until he finds another option.

I had to look neurotypical up😄 He is not autistic but not tested. Was tested for ADHA when 9 - test came back negative, but a separate YARC assessement resulted in reading and comprehension age of 13! Needless to say he has not read anything that I have seen (other than digital messages) for yonks. Stays in room and plays FIFA. Increasingly staying at his GF's so not eating with us very much! Nothing changed then - carried on a village school, and when to comprehensive. We did move when he was 15 from west country to home counties. He had missed the "Y11 friendship boat" so hung around with a few wrong'uns but nothing too serious. He has so many ideas to earn money (as a self-employed) person but won't do the graft to research things through and start up a small business. It's like a game of pinball with him.

Thank you people, feel I am getting down to something here Dacadactyl and Local Hobo + BattingDown! Yes it is the anger that is the biggest problem for us. Its like a shotgun blast going off. It is like we have to pussy foot around him a bit to keep the home on an even keel at times. But there is a pattern of negativity. I can see that now you have mentioned it.

Trouble is he will not "talk" with us. If we ask about the college course, or future opportunities, the shutters go down. I have tried to contact the college, but I guess as he is 18 they are not obliged to discuss things with parents. He applied for an apprenticeship at a high end sports car garage, perhaps a tad ambitious as a starting place but hey-ho. Chutzpah I guess. He didn't hear back but when he finally showed us his application it wasn't difficult to see why. If he had asked for help we would have given it.

There’ll be support at college. You can call them and raise your concerns or find out what support there is. They can also help with applications for apprenticeships.

He doesn’t sound like he’s doing badly. Just rudderless. What motivates him? Money? Status? Helping others?

Volunteering can help with direction too. It’s useful to find out what you don’t want.

Lots to think about from these responses and experiences. Will start tomorrow with a notepad, and renewed sense of energy. Many thanks and I will check back in over the next few weeks.

Is that your car the GF wants him to drive her around in? Does he pay the insurance, petrol, repairs and maintenance?

Get tougher.

Just a thought.... could he be hiding a gay relationship from you?

That's a good sign he applied for an apprenticeship. I would say how impressed your were that he applied for an apprenticeship and offer to pay for someone to lay out a good cv and covering letter. Which he can tweak depending on the job.
Lay down some ground rules if he's leaving college in the summer he gets a full time job (and pays house keep) or apprenticeship.

My son was like this ( he was diagnosed with ADHD at age 19) He had a fantastic pastoral mentor at college who made sure he didn’t get expelled and dragged him through his exams . Would your son have similar at college ? In the middle of all this we split from his father who attacked him while drunk. He wasn’t a great male role model anyway . My son changed track and got a construction apprenticeship . He is pretty well paid but I think he benefits from the fact it is still very much a “male” environment and they don’t take any back chat. He has matured since starting there . I think your son just needs to find his niche .

He sounds ok to me - he’s going out with his girlfriend; working a bit; going to college.
i think there can be a way of talking to them at that age, which is more listening and reflecting back rather than telling them what to do. Maybe step back a bit, tell him you love him, you’re there if you need him. I’d watch the gaming tho… I think that can swallow unmotivated people up.

The Army could be the making of him.

I think this is quite common with boys/young men struggling with the transition to adulting and trying to find their place in the world. Does he have any idea at all of what he wants to do? Maybe if he has an idea about that then you can track backwards on the steps he needs to take to get there?

OP you accurately described my DS. He is 19 in September so is doing A levels currently. He has no focus, will hopefully scrape together some ok ish grades but no where near his potential. It’s like they have just lost their way.
I think the pandemic has caused a lot of mental health issues for this age group. Locked away at 15 until 17 has probably delayed social and emotional development.
A number of the boys in the year above DS have dropped out of Uni, all very bright ( academically selective school) and on the surface very sociable individuals not the obvious geeks or socially awkward boys. They are really struggling as an age group.
One of DS’s friends has developed a serious anxiety disorder, again on the surface appears ok.
DS has no idea what he wants to do so is having a gap year. We are encouraging him to work and then do a bit of travelling once he has saved some money. Hopefully he will find a path to follow.