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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Help! Daughter needs relationship advice and not sure what to say

23 replies

HellyHelen · 17/05/2023 18:21

Hi everyone, hoping for some group wisdom to help with a relationship issue my 25yr old daughter is facing.

She rang me in tears last night to ask for advice about her current relationship. She's been with her partner for 3 years now. They live together and are engaged to be married. She says he's 'the one' and I believe her - he's met the whole family and everyone thinks he's a good guy. There's just one issue that keeps rearing its head. When DD first started dating him, he'd recently split from a long-term relationship and had an arrangement whereby he shared their dog with his ex. To my DD's horror, this arrangement has continued for the last 3 years and shows no signs of stopping.

The dog - a retriever! - travels between the two homes once a week and DD's fiance has to make arrangements for pick up and drop off, much like child custody! DD assumed (perhaps naively) this arrangement would fizzle out once they got serious, but the ex is still coming around to collect and sometimes wanders into the house. DD has had a few brief conversations with the ex but felt very awkward. She has no desire to be friends with this person and feels its an intrusion into her new life. The ex has also recently moved back into the neighbourhood and so they regularly bump into each other when out for walks.

DD has spoken to her fiance and asked if he can set some boundaries - things like she needs to wait at the gate - but he apparently doesn't know how to handle the situation. He tells DD that he feels in the middle and doesn't want to start a fight with his ex, who might decide she's keeping the dog for herself (she bought it). DD doesn't think there's any funny business going on and it really is just about the dog. She doesn't want to lose him over this or force him into doing anything, but is very unhappy with how things have been left and is worried about what it means for their future together.

I'm usually better at offering relationship advice but this one's got me stumped! Anyone else have a view?

(Just to add that I know we're not supposed to 'fix' things for our adult kids, and I have lent her a compassionate ear, but I'm not sure what else to say other than maybe get couples' counselling?)

OP posts:

BatFaceOwl · 17/05/2023 18:58

Tricky one really. She started a relationship with him knowing he had this arrangement in place. It does sound a bit odd but they both clearly love the dog and want to share it

I'd advise her to stress to her partner that the ex is not to wander into the house - but by that, does she just mean she crosses the threshold when handing over leads / bowls/ whatever? Or literally sauntering through rooms?

On the face of it, it sounds like a long standing agreement and there's nothing between them so is this a case of your daughter feeling jealous? Or she dislikes the dog?

Or is he a really insipid character who's being dictated to by his ex that he simply must have the dog? Does he want to have the dog?

So I'd do bit more digging to find out exactly what the crux of the issue is

yesithinkido · 01/06/2023 17:01

I have such a lovely relationship with my ex. My partner thinks he's a lovely guy too. I would hate it if things were not pleasant between all of us. Lots of kids involved too.
DD has no reason to not be pleasant to the ex. She needs to be kind. This was someone special in her boyfriends life. She needs to treat her like that too.

yesithinkido · 01/06/2023 17:03

I think Kudos to the guy being so respectful and responsible towards the dog. At least she can count on him being good if they split and have kids and do co parenting. She's making a mountain out of a mole hill.

ChatterMonkey · 01/06/2023 17:06

My do had a similar arrangement with his ex, that i wasnt comfortable with, but struggled to voice why, as i had no suspicions about anything else, it was just the dog.

It did fizzle put for us, but more so as we both travel a lot for work so couldnt commit the time to looking after a dog, even on a part time basis.

No advice as my situation resolved itself, but just wanted to share that i understand why its uncomfortable. She needs to step back and decide if its something thats a dealbreaker for her, and if it is, they need a serious conversation.

How old is the dog? Is there a natural end point in site for the shared arrangement in the near future...?

GoalShooter · 01/06/2023 17:07

I think your DD needs to trust her partner. It's a good sign if he can maintain a civil relationship with his ex. I have exes who are friends now and so does DH - I don't see it as a problem.

DustyLee123 · 01/06/2023 17:09

She needs to make a habit of locking the door so she can’t just walk in.
How would DD feel about the dog if she had a baby ?

standardduck · 01/06/2023 17:11

I also don't see an issue with this. It's nice that they can be civil and he still cares about the dog they shared.

It doesn't sound like there is anything sinister going on.

Velvian · 01/06/2023 17:15

Something that jumped out at me was she thinks he is 'the one'. There is no such thing and it is a really toxic concept. I would worry that she will put up with all sorts and allow her boundaries to be trampled over because he is 'the one'.

If she is really not happy about it, she needs to be prepared to walk away. He should respect how this transgressed her boundaries and come up with a solution.

Stratocumulus · 01/06/2023 17:21

Let the dog swap continue.
Daughter just needs to keep the door locked.
In her shoes I’d probably tell the ex that it would be better if she would kingly wait at the gate or the front door threshold for Pongo.
“The One” might be glad for her to do so if he is too weak to do it himself.
It won’t be forever.

Leo227 · 01/06/2023 17:21

If I broke up with my wife we would certainly continue to share the dog, I absolutely wouldn't give up my pet, nor should anyone! so I think she needs to learn to accept this is how it will be for at least next next c. 10 years.

Babdoc · 01/06/2023 17:22

How old is the dog, OP? Retrievers only live about 10 to 12 years, so it won’t be around for ever. If he had a child from a previous relationship, your DD would have to accept it for the whole of her married life.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 01/06/2023 17:32

This was an existing arrangement between the partner and his ex. Your daughter presumably knew about it from the start so doesn't really have a leg to stand on in trying to change it now.

It's surely a good thing that he's able to be amicable with his ex, show he's a decent person, and it doesn't sound like there's anything untoward or even a friendship really going on.

Your daughter would be a bit of an eejit really to let this be the thing that ruins a good relationship.

allthewoes · 01/06/2023 17:42

I don't really understand why she's got the hump about him being a responsible dog owner.

I get that she doesn't want his ex letting herself into their house but coming round to fetch the dog/drop it off shouldn't be an issue. It would be pretty churlish to expect her to wait at the end of the drive.

She's been with him 3 years, if he was interested in his ex he'd still he with her.

Mrsjayy · 01/06/2023 17:43

Did she expect him to not have the dog at all ? I mean its his pet too , however just keep the door locked so she has to knock on the door he can get the dog ready to leave,

IWonderWhereThatDishDidGo · 01/06/2023 17:46

I'd be so put off someone if they stopped seeing their shared dog just because they were in a new relationship! It's a good thing he isn't flaking out on his responsibilities to his dog just because he's met 'the one' and it's also a good thing he has a good relationship with his ex. Not sure why there needs to be any hostility here at all.

StopStartStop · 01/06/2023 18:02

FFS. 'Trust her partner'? Er, no.

OP, your dd needs to get the hell out. Disentangle herself from this man who maintains his relationship with his ex. He prioritises the ex over the current partner. Is that what your dd wants? Clearly not. She's young. She needs to move on.

Upallnightfeeding · 01/06/2023 18:18

I’d say choose the dog or me 😂 think that’s the unpopular opinion here. It’s great they are friends, the dog is being looked after etc but it’s a dog, not a child. I understand why she’s uncomfortable. The only way it would make it okay is if the ex genuinely needed help looking after the dog then that would be good of him to ‘step up’. Or wait it out until the dog dies eventually and just accept it for now.

ginoclocksomewhere · 01/06/2023 18:26

StopStartStop · 01/06/2023 18:02

FFS. 'Trust her partner'? Er, no.

He's prioritising the dog, not the ex.

The only thing she could really complain about is the ex walking into the house. Other than that, she knew the deal and said 'yes' anyway.

FWIW if DP and I ever split, we would definitely share custody of ours- we adore her, and if any newer partner ever asked me to chose, I would absolutely chose the dog.

StopStartStop · 02/06/2023 12:33

He's prioritising the dog, not the ex.

Sorry, the dog is an excuse.

Olios · 02/06/2023 13:21

If my DP and I split up I'm certain the one not 'keeping' the dog would send money to cover expenses even if we don't share physical custody. Dogs are a big commitment which they took on together. It's a good sign he didn't abandon his responsibilities towards it shows he is caring.

ginoclocksomewhere · 02/06/2023 13:36

StopStartStop · 02/06/2023 12:33

He's prioritising the dog, not the ex.

Sorry, the dog is an excuse.

It is to anybody with a dog.

SirVixofVixHall · 02/06/2023 18:50

standardduck · 01/06/2023 17:11

I also don't see an issue with this. It's nice that they can be civil and he still cares about the dog they shared.

It doesn't sound like there is anything sinister going on.

I agree with this. I don’t see why it has to be a problem.

Onelifeonly · 02/06/2023 20:18

Assuming it is as you have explained (not that I think you're withholding, just that maybe your dd hasn't told you everything), I think your dd should accept the situation. I don't think the ex needs to enter the house but a friendly word on the doorstep from her wouldn't go amiss.

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