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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Help with adult son

9 replies

Idunnowho · 16/05/2023 21:45

I need advice and to know I'm not alone.

My son is 25 and after a spell at uni and some travelling is now living at home. He's rarely here as stays at a friend's house share quite often, however still has his room here.

He quit uni after covid and moved back and since then has had a few jobs but prioritises his hobby over paid work. He hasn't worked for 6 weeks and I have no idea what's happening as he shuts me out.

I pay his gym and phone bill and often give him odd bits of money. His mental health is fragile and I suspect adhd although he refuses to get any help or diagnosis. He had dyslexia and is unable to complete paperwork and doesn't have the focus to be able to either.

I was a horrible mum when he was growing up and emotionally could be nasty due to my own mental health issues. I have worked on this loads and am so much more settled and doing my best to get things right now. He can't forgive me thou and whenever he doesn't get his own way it goes back to the fact that I wasn't a good mum- if I asked him yo do anything he refuses as has to be in control - its like some kind of defiance thing. His rooms is appalling and he does nothing in the house.

I worry for his future, at the moment although he is popular and has friends he has no job. He refuses to let me into his life unless he wants something and even then its limited. He does have down days and I try to be there to listen but I can't go on like this. Help xx

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 16/05/2023 23:30

I would stop paying for his gym etc…or give hiM notice that you will stop providing him financial assistance in 1 month. Then offer lots of support to apply for jobs and/or seek support for his needs.

I don’t think confusing to pay for his things is helpful or a situation that can realistically continue long term.

The thing about you being a horrible mum. Well that’s harder to deal with. I imagine that has had a profound impact on him. Possibly he would fee better if he was working and could live independently too. I don’t think you can blame him for being disconnected from you if his experience of your parenting growing up was very negative.

Have you considered some type of family therapy?

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 17/05/2023 16:31

This sounds really hard to deal with @Idunnowho. He sounds very much like my DD who is currently in the ASD pathway.

What works best with her is a lot if reassurance, smiling and generally being very positive.

I know what might work if he was NT, it would be taking him out somewhere neutral like a coffee shop, and explain that due to the increase in bills recently, you're finding things a little tough and unfortunately, you are going to have to stop paying for his phone and gym.

I'm not sure that would work if he's ND though and you'd have to be careful over the gym and phone contracts if they're in your name.

I would maybe ask in the SN Section with the best way to deal with this Flowers

SusanMaria · 17/05/2023 17:09

I pay his gym and phone bill and often give him odd bits of money

Stop all this. Cancel the contracts properly if they're in your name. If they're in his name let him know you'll be stopping paying after the next payment, to give him time to make alternative arrangements or to cancel the contracts. It's time for him to be an adult now. If he's unable to do this due to your shit parenting, pay for therapy for him to enable him to sort himself out. That's fair, if you're the one who fucked him up. That's if you can afford it and he agrees to go. If you can't or he won't, you'll have to accept either that you can't, or that you've attempted to, put right your mistakes and can do no more.

His mental health is fragile and I suspect adhd although he refuses to get any help or diagnosis. He had dyslexia and is unable to complete paperwork and doesn't have the focus to be able to either.

Insist that if he wants your help and support he has to be willing to help himself. This means a) getting a job and paying his own way or b) investigating the possible medical reasons why he is unable to do this. Alternatively he needs to move out and sponge off someone else who doesn't mind, since you do mind.

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Ok you've been shit in the past and he doesn't have to forgive you or like you. It doesn't give him the right to use you though, which is what he's currently doing.

Sundaystorm · 10/06/2023 19:48

Why on earth are you paying his bills. I would stop doing that straight away. He’s taking you for a mug. All you can do about the past is give a genuine and heartfelt apology but you can’t force him to accept it. Unfortunately if he’s had an adverse childhood experience at your doing then he may not be able to move beyond this.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 10/06/2023 20:01

Sundaystorm · 10/06/2023 19:48

Why on earth are you paying his bills. I would stop doing that straight away. He’s taking you for a mug. All you can do about the past is give a genuine and heartfelt apology but you can’t force him to accept it. Unfortunately if he’s had an adverse childhood experience at your doing then he may not be able to move beyond this.

The trouble is though that if the Contracts are in the OP's name, she's still liable to pay.

Verbena17 · 18/07/2023 21:20

SusanMaria · 17/05/2023 17:09

I pay his gym and phone bill and often give him odd bits of money

Stop all this. Cancel the contracts properly if they're in your name. If they're in his name let him know you'll be stopping paying after the next payment, to give him time to make alternative arrangements or to cancel the contracts. It's time for him to be an adult now. If he's unable to do this due to your shit parenting, pay for therapy for him to enable him to sort himself out. That's fair, if you're the one who fucked him up. That's if you can afford it and he agrees to go. If you can't or he won't, you'll have to accept either that you can't, or that you've attempted to, put right your mistakes and can do no more.

His mental health is fragile and I suspect adhd although he refuses to get any help or diagnosis. He had dyslexia and is unable to complete paperwork and doesn't have the focus to be able to either.

Insist that if he wants your help and support he has to be willing to help himself. This means a) getting a job and paying his own way or b) investigating the possible medical reasons why he is unable to do this. Alternatively he needs to move out and sponge off someone else who doesn't mind, since you do mind.

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Ok you've been shit in the past and he doesn't have to forgive you or like you. It doesn't give him the right to use you though, which is what he's currently doing.

This might be helpful for someone who is NT but as the OP said, her son has additional needs and therefore cutting him off isn’t going to be helpful.

Misspiggy1012 · 20/07/2023 10:03

I would be very careful with a child who has ADHD because they have a tendency to hurt themselves and can lash out when things don't work out the way they want. I would ask him to sit in the living room with you and let's have a grown up talk about what's going on with him. As someone else wrote you can't make up for lost time but can say your sorry for what happened with his early years and because he understands how to throw it back in your face at every chance I would say for the last time I am sorry for and the list of sorrys you think need said again but I would say if you like living here with me and you don't want thrown out on your ear you ever throw it in my face again about something I can't change then we must part ways your a grown up start acting like one. I'm not perfect but I am far from the worst or you wouldn't be here at your age. Say now if you ever say that again I will know you no longer want me in your life and that you are leaving right away because I will call the police and have you removed if you do say that again. I'm not your emotional punch bag. Don't treat me like dirt. If I was a truly rotten mum at 16 you would have been out on your ear. Now I will have respect or we will be parting ways. As for paying for everything make that a separate thing to take up because it can be difficult for them to deal with one problem at a time . A couple of weeks later I would be waking up every morning and getting him up go look for a job every day Monday to Friday and 8am up right now let's go and get some doors knocked and fill in forms. Your nobody's fool doll but you are still being a parent and a damn good one paying for stuff at his age. Be proud he didn't run away from you when he was 16and never looked back at you he's guilt tripping you. To get what he wants but you matter too. Good luck doll I pray it bodes well for you. 🍀

Quitelikeit · 20/07/2023 10:13

Why not see if he will visit the GP?

I think the situation is more complex considering he was abused as a child. The best thing would be therapy where you both attended so that he can come to terms with the emotional abuse he endured.

Sadly these things have a lasting impact.

MariaLuna · 01/11/2023 21:05

your shit parenting,

@SusanMaria Gosh, glad I don't have you around me.

You must be perfect or think so

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