20 year old daughter spiralling

[Oxformum]

A year ago my daughter had a steady boyfriend, was at university studying law and was starting to emerge from difficult grunting teenage years full of angst. Now we are in a bad place. She is hateful and rude towards me ( dad not in picture as of 2 years ago) is with a different man every night, taking drugs, drinking heavily, has been kicked out of university for not attending. She expects money from me and when I refuse says she'll kill herself. I have now found out the men are giving her money and arrangements made online. When I've tried to talk to her about this she tells me everyone does it. She has a history of depression and on medication. I'm besides myself with worry. She stays the odd night at home, eats dinner and then disappears. I have no idea how to handle this and would like some non judgemental advice.

Oh gosh that sounds so, so difficult @Oxformum

Do you think there's any possibility that she may be on drugs?

Yes, I think she needs a doctor's appointment. I also would say that you need to have firm boundaries so as not to become an enabler if she is an addict.

She has done coke though not recentlybthatcI know of. I wouldn't describe her as an addict though.

Tried and she refuses to go with me.i don't know whether she says to her doctor who gives her antidepressants.

So sorry to hear you are going through this, I can’t really advise, but she is potentially doing more coke than you realise. Sending love & hugs having been through similar with my son. X

I think from what you've described, I would start to assume she's an addict @Oxformum

There's a link here of organisations that can help families of addicts.

I appreciate that...thank you

I'd just like to ask how you are and your daughter? I feel like some people on MN just assume when you are 21 or an "Adult" then all bets are off and you have to fend for yourself.

I went through an awful time from 14-18 and hated any authority. I was left to my own devices and it was terrible because my Mother didn't parent properly.

What does ‘my mother didn’t parent properly’ mean in the context of your comment Coldpizza2? It’s actually pretty hard to impose discipline on older teenagers especially if ‘they hate authority’. Short of physically locking them in the house if they’re hellbent on getting into trouble it’s very difficult. People say they’d come down on it like a tonne of bricks, but in reality what recourse is there unless what they’re up to is illegal. Asking for a friend.

I know what you mean @angstridden2 . If they are 18 they are technically adults although some are still at school with no proper experience of being an adult. If they have a part time job they don't need money, lifts ext from you so putting boundaries in place is hard. You won't take them where they want to go ...fine ...some other teen in the midst of authority refusal will collect them. Friends are everything. I'd they are on weed they drop all their previous hobbies and just want to lie in bed, get to their job for the money and hang out. I have heard on here if they won't comply throw them out. To send them to live God knows where, probably on a share with like minded kids, spiralling further down, losing the job, getting money God knows how. How will that help. You can only keep loving them while refusing to enable them. Be there if the ever admit they have a problem and want help and hope and pray they are amongst the ones who come through the other side. If anybody has other, better answers I'm listening.

Oh no op. 💐 I have a nearly 20 year old dd at uni studying law too. This must be your worst nightmare and hers.

I wouldn’t have a clue what to do in this situation tbh, so feel free to ignore what follows, and I know how intransigent teens can be, but I think I might try a two pronged attack:

CAUSALITY : You say your dd has a history of depression. Do you know the cause of this? Has she seen a consultant psychiatrist to be assessed? Is it the issues with her dad that has exacerbated things? Or the end of her relationship with her bf? Or both? Why have things changed so drastically in only a year? Is it drugs?

I think you need to dig deep in to the causes op. If it’s the end of the relationship that has triggered this then she may have an underlying undiagnosed personality disorder? Or adhd?

A lot of undiagnosed mh conditions emerge at uni and she may have been frightened at how unstable she was feeling and sought refuge in temporary comforts. This needs investigating.

Most people take drugs or engage in this risky behaviour in order to block out reality. What is she finding hard to face in her current life? Did something happen in her history to trigger this?

INTERVENTION: I think in your shoes I would try and ask for compassionate leave from my job, get my entire family on board (support for her and you) and take your dd away to a holiday cottage for two weeks at the other end of the country. Or if I couldn’t afford that, beg friends or family for accommodation elsewhere. And go for long walks, really talk to her. Tell her you love her too much for her to carry on living this way and doing damage to herself.

Feed her nutritious food. Get her back in to a good pattern of eating and sleeping and exercising. (I know this sounds far too simplistic but once those three bodily things are in place people usually feel a lot better in their minds.)

But most importantly of all, try and really connect with her. It will take a lot of effort on your part to put the past difficulties in your relationship out of your mind (it’s understandable if you feel anger at the way she has blown off her uni opportunities but that’s in the past now and your daughter is in serious trouble).

Both of the above strategies take time and money and I have no idea of course how you would persuade her to participate in either. That will be the hardest part. But given the severity of what is happening I think it’s worth trying to pull her out of it and giving her a real “shock” to the system and facilitate an opportunity where she can stop and think. And if it doesn’t work at least you - and she - will know that you have given it your very best. And she will know she is loved enough that you tried. And sometimes it’s just the “knowing that you are loved” bit that gets people through these situations.

I don’t know if any of that is of any use at all op. It’s such a daunting situation. I think you need professional help though. Psychiatrists, a drugs counsellor, family, friends. Don’t try and struggle on your own. Good luck.

I meant to add that it’s a good sign that she still comes home to you and eats dinner occasionally. That means that - however difficult - your underlying bond is still there.

Maybe “being there” in the background is all you can do atm while she navigates this difficult period herself? Until she asks for help? The trouble is, it’s so easy to get trapped in to addiction if drugs are involved and to spiral down.

As well as thinking drugs, I would also been concerned about whether she may have bipolar and has is manic.

If she's threatening suicide, are you giving the money? That's manipulative behaviour, and I'd be refusing the money and reporting to police as a safety issue if she's saying she is going to kill herself.

Tbh, there is a lot of misdiagnosis of bipolar, bpd, adhd, and asd in teenage girls and young adult women who suffer from depression and anxiety as they have traits in common.

I'm really sorry OP. It's a knife's edge between being there for her and enabling dysfunctional behaviour, but err on the side of being there.

Whisking her away sounds nice, but it's hard to do if she is vile to you. Can you get her out of her rut, change her environment without putting yourself in the picture full time? Think relatives in the country... so she gets the headspace too accept she needs MH support.

It sounds like a long-term problem.Wishing you lots of strength.