How to get adult dc to move out?

[sotiredofbeingshoutedat]

I was replying to someone else's thread about adult dc and decided to start my own as I could really do with some advice.

I've told my ds 21yrs that it's time for him to move out. It's breaking my heart but he is using drugs and is angry and aggressive and I can't take it anymore.

So I've told him I won't tolerate his drug use and violence any longer. But he's not working and can't afford to move out. I'm on minimum wage and can barely cover my own rent and bills. I don't have money to pay rent or deposit for him to help him to move out.

I've looked on spare room and trying to save up some money to pay the deposit and first month but they all want someone who is employed.

I've tried downsizing to a one bedroom place so that I can tell him I'm moving out and he can't come with me but I can't do that either as even if I could save up enough for deposit and moving costs, I can't pass the affordability and credit checks for a new rental.

I've tried asking the council homeless people but they won't help unless he is actually sleeping rough and I can't kick him out on the streets.

Is there anything else I can try that I haven't thought of?

Is he using drugs so much that he can't get his act together and apply for work?

I don't know if it's cannot or will not get his act together. It seems to be cannot be bothered working and is just claiming universal credit and doing fuck all. I think he's probably depressed or maybe having drug related mental health issues.
He spends all his uc money on drugs and takeaways and then has nothing left for the rest of the month. He's supposed to pay a small contribution to rent and bills from his uc but hasn't done that recently. Does absolutely nothing to contribute to the household in any way just makes mess and leaves it for me to find and clean up. Stays up all night making noise and keeping me awake and sleeps most of the day so I'm struggling at work on not enough sleep. These things are not ok but I wouldn't kick him out for them. But the angry rages I cannot cope with and it's affecting my mental health. I feel trapped and like there's only one way to escape his anger so I am now on antidepressants.

We have been in a similar situation, had to use the Police to evict our son from our home. He was using drugs, not working and became aggressive. Nobody should be scared in their own home. I did once have to call the Police when he became aggressive, when I wouldn’t give him any money. I refused to enable him to buy drugs. He had to face the consequences of his poor choices.
Where we live (Scotland), there is a homeless policy, so the council had to help him. Fortunately, he ended up living in a supported housing project for young people with addiction issues. He engaged well with the supports and boundaries.
www.famanon.org.uk is for the family/friends of somebody with a suspected drug problem. They have a forum, helpline, literature and meetings. I have learnt to use Tough Love, implement boundaries.
For today, our son is at university, working part time and living independently.

Thank you for replying @serene12 hearing your son is doing ok now fills me with hope. Can I ask what happened when you had the police evict him? Did he have somewhere that he could go or did the police help him find somewhere to stay?

The Police took him to our local council offices, and was housed a a fully furnished temporary council flat.

No chance that would happen in my area, there's no council flats available for families with children so definitely not for a 24 year old single male

I'm saying this kindly OP but I think you needed to do more when the bad behaviour started. Nip it in the bud so to speak. The longer it has gone on the harder it will be to make him change his ways. You should be asking him for small portion of his UC on the day he gets it. Don't let him off. Tell him no drugs in house and if you find he is taking in the house he will be out on his ear and taking his stuff with him. Offer to help him find a job. Make him help around the house. Cook him his favourite meal if he complies. Think back when did this poor behaviour start? Did something trigger it? Tell him you want to be proud of him. Think of any skills/talents he has and link to job opportunities. Tell him you love him but you won't let him self destruct in your home.

I've done all of that, this has been going on for months. I've helped him look for jobs and prepare for interviews but he's stopped looking and applying now. I told him if he wants to use drugs then he needs to move out I don't want it in my house. He just ignores me or tells me to f off. He was previously good at always paying his contribution on the day he got paid and I never had to ask or remind him about it. But the last three months he hasn't and when I ask he just says he's broke. He won't do anything to help around the house, I ask and he won't and I can't physically make him do it. Yes I do know when this all started and what caused it.
I appreciate your reply but I'm not looking for ways to fix this so he can stay at home. He is violent and I am scared of him and I want him to leave. I need advice on how to make that happen.

Just evict him and go down to housing options with him Monday morning. Tell the housing you won’t allow him back home due to drug use and financial abuse (cos he won’t pay you rent or a contribution) and they will have a statutory duty to house him.
He will probably get a space in a hostel or a bed sit/one bedroom place. Tough love really. Be careful though as you don’t want him to hurt you. Be really calm and composed about it.

Change the locks and leave a packed bag outside the door. Tell him to go to the council and tell them he's homeless.

Why on earth would you not kick him out over this? You're hinting at having suicidal feelings. You're in antidepressants and possibly going to lose your job due to him keeping you up all night. You're poor and he's taking from you whilst contributing nothing.

Why do you feel his life is more important than yours? He's your child but he's also an adult, one who is choosing to love this lifestyle. If he's struggling with mental health problems he could have gone to the GP. He still could. He's choosing not to. Time to put yourself first. There are no easy solutions. He's not going to go unless you kick him out. You're essentially being cuckoo'd by him. You can't even afford to leave yourself as a way of solving the problem.

What do you think is going to happen if you kick him out? How much lower do you think it's possible for him to go? Sleeping on the street (if that happens, he might have a mates place to crash at) could be the rock bottom wake up call he needs to make him want to start getting his life together. There's lots of help out there for addiction problems.

What's your rock bottom OP? What will it take for you to act in your own best interests? The day you lose your job? The day your utilities are cut off because you can't pay them and he won't pay them? The day he's sanctioned by universal credit for not looking for jobs and comes to you for money? The day he robs from you or assaults you because you won't/can't give him money for drugs? The day he's stolen so much from you you can't even pay your rent? You're in a domestic abuse situation here, what will it take for you to kick your abuser out?

Clearly he has to go. It's tragic but he's going to break you at this rate. And you've tried everything you can. It's not your fault that it's come to this.
I'm concerned about him turning violent if you try to kick him out unassisted.
Please contact the police and Womens Aid asap. Put yourself first OP. Perhaps it'll be the rock bottom your lad needs. I hope so.

You're looking for a win:win here and there isn't one
You've tried everything within your power and it's been unsuccessful

I think you have to evict him but I think you should speak to the police and explain you think he will become violent. There's a lot of inappropriate "ring police" advice on MN sometimes but this is an appropriate use of police

Or whilst he's out, bag up his stuff, change locks, leave address of emergency council contact, then ring 999 if he becomes aggressive on his return

You can't help him. Repeat that to yourself over and over. You can't help him.

Thank you all for replying

@EasterEggBunny I needed to hear that.
I think I am at rock bottom. I'm depressed, I don't feel safe in my own home, I'm at risk of being evicted myself when the landlord discovers all the damage to the property, holes in walls and doors off hinges etc, even if he's not keeping me awake with noise I can't sleep because I'm hypervigilant waiting for the next outburst or worrying about stuff happening because he does things like puts food in the oven and forgets about it, I've woken up in the middle of the night before to a smokey kitchen because he put sausages in the oven and fell asleep, they'd been cooking for about three and a half hours going by the electricity usage on the smart meter display, usually his banging and crashing around the kitchen will wake me so when I hear him go back to his room I'll get up and go and check but I guess I was exhausted and slept through it that night, or he goes out and forgets to close the front door behind him so I'm constantly checking the door is locked and the oven and grill and hob are turned off. I've tried telling him he is not allowed to use the kitchen at night or at any time that he is under the infuence of any substances but he just ignores me and does what he wants. I'm so tired. It didn't used to be this way, he was great and we were close and had a good relationship, now he just wants to hang out with his friends and do drugs and drink and hates me just for asking him to pick up his wet towel or bring his pile of dirty plates out of his room or refusing to allow him and his friends to do drugs in my house and speaks to me like something he's stepped in and I'm sad and feel like I've failed at parenting even though I know really that I haven't because things were good until he started doing drugs and he's an adult and the choices he has made as an adult are his responsibility but it's hard not to feel like it's my fault that he's turned out this way. I got a text from him on mother's day, when I saw the notification I got all teary and hopeful for a moment. He asked for money, I said no. Not a single other word from him on mother's day just can I have some money. I told him recently how much this is all affecting my mental health, I told him I was on antidepressants because I was having suicidal thoughts, he told me to kill myself. So yeah I think I am at rock bottom. I hope so because what can possibly be worse than my own child hating me so much he wants me to kill myself?

I've tried asking the council homeless people but they won't help unless he is actually sleeping rough and I can't kick him out on the streets

you need to before he hurts or kills you.

phone the police if necessary.

I've tried asking the council homeless people but they won't help unless he is actually sleeping rough and I can't kick him out on the streets.

You can kick him onto the streets.

If the alternative is that you lose your job and your tenancy, then you'll both be on the streets, better that it's just one of you. Or worse, he'll seriously injure you or you'll have a housefire. At the moment you are enabling him, which isn't helping him change his dangerous lifestyle, and is coming at huge cost to yourself.

Presumably he has a phone? You can still offer him support and advice from a distance. You're not abandoning him, you are setting the boundaries that are necessary.

What does he do that is violent? It sounds like you need to call the police and have him evicted. You can't let him treat you like this.

Do you do anything for him such as cook or do laundry?

Is there a way you could lock him out of the flat or of the kitchen or could you turn off the electricity?

How are things OP?

This was me. Put up with it for years. He lived in supports housing for a while but didn't change. Had him back with me after promising me he would change. I was scared of him. Every day he would swear at me and bully me. I eventually had a break down. Didn't have contact for a few years. Tried again but he hadn't changed. He's in and out of jail and still addicted. I live in fear of him knocking my door as I don't know what I would do. Half of me wants to bring him home as I'm so worried about what he's doing. The other half dreads the day I see him again. I feel for the op going through this. I hope things get better

You have to put him in the streets. Or have him arrested next time he is violent. He has made these choices and must deal with the consequences. This is domestic violence and you must call the police.

I'd move to a one bed flat so you can afford the rent easily. When he leaves, he has to tell the Council he's homeless, they will put him somewhere. You should do it quickly.