I can't handle being a parent of adult children

[SnoopyTwirl]

I have name changed for this.

I honestly can't handle the worry of my children growing up and it is making me ill. They are 19 and 16.

My 19 year old has ADHD and I have convinced myself through anxiety that he is going to develop schizophrenia. A very close family member is schizophrenic and there is a link to it being genetic. I have just read that ADHD medication can also lead to scizophrenia. I am absolutely paranoid that they will smoke cannabis also which heightens the risk even more. I did find a vape in their room that smells like cannabis but they swear they were holding it for someone. I don't think I believe them but they never come home smelling of weed and no other evidence that they are smoking it. No glazed eyes etc.

They are doing an apprenticeship which they are managing to hold down at the moment but sometimes I feel they are losing interest which is probably down to ADHD.

I had the most horrendous childhood because of my scizophrenic family member and I can't get it out of my head that my DC will get it.

I am having counselling which has helped a bit but I just can't handle the sheer terror of the possibility my DC might develop scizophrenia or become mentally unstable in some way. My counsellor said I have PTSD because of events that happened.

I know this isn't fair on my DC and I will drive them away but I just can't stop the worry.

Just because you can imagine something happening doesn't make it likely to happen.

I don’t think it’s that you can’t handle being the parent of adult children. It’s that you can’t handle your feelings of anxiety. Anxiety will latch onto anything. Counselling will help you develop skills to cope and even thrive so stick with it.

Have you got Netflix? There’s a series there called the Headspace Guide to Meditation which teaches some skills to watch your feelings come and go.

Not sure what you hope to gain from this thread OP. If your therapist thinks you have PTSD then that is a complex condition you need help with. What further treatment have they recommended? Any drugs that could help?

Probably gonna get told to get fucked for saying this, but I actually think you need to reframe your opinions of schizophrenia, because although it's a teeny, TINY, MICROSCOPIC possibility your DC might develop it, it's still a possibility.
It is absolutely not a life sentence for being locked in a psych ward and unable to function; it is totally possible to life a good life, a worthwhile life, with the condition.

Also, whatever you saw or whatever happened with your relative - your DC are not them.
They're their own person, living their own life; whatever will happen, will happen. And your anxiety, although I know feels very real to you, doesn't know with anymore certainty than any one else what those things will be.

I understand a bit OP, I had a horrific childhood, mental, physical and sexual abuse. I live in fear that DD will suffer the same problems, I have daily flashbacks. Its not easy

I think it's worth your time to figure out if peri-menopause could be at play here. Peri can make existing anxiety absolutely surge out of control.

Sounds like you need to see your GP and get yourself help.

Hmm… the OP is having counselling already.

@SnoopyTwirl if your anxiety (and panic?) is coming from PTSD, then could you have a chat with your counsellor about techniques specific to PTSD? I’m think EMDR for example. Or maybe a counsellor/psychotherapist who is specialising in that area?

I know we can all tell you that you don’t know what the future will be etc…. But I don’t think that’s going to very helpful to you.

I catch myself catastrophising sometimes now my children are all teens.

This is where parenting teens and adults is as easy or hard as we let it be.

I reminded myself this is not a "parenting teens/ adults is so hard" issue - it's an unhealthy thought pattern issue.

Catastrophising helps absolutely nobody - not you, not them.

We do everything in our power bring them up to be as capable and resilient and resourceful and independent and healthy as they individually can be and we remind them they can always come to us if they have worries - and we do not burden them with our issues.

My biggest fear is actually driving - we live rurally and late teens do die in the first years of driving (almost ten years ago my eldest's primary school teacher 's sensible, well known in the village, 18 year old daughter died when she crashed her car into a tree coming home from the cinema - nobody else involved, no alcohol... Final conclusion was either that she fell asleep for a microsecond or something unidentified distracted her for a split second. This was obviously so deeply, unbearably awful yet such an "ordinary" tragedy and it really could happen to anyone... obviously it's stayed with me but equally obviously it wasn't in any way my tragedy or trauma). I (like most people) also had a couple of friends of friends/ acquaintances die in accidents as teenagers/ early 20s.

I just have to be stern with myself and talk myself out of the stupid, deeply unhealthy thought spiral and force myself to think about something else.

Obviously if you have PTSD you'll need help to do this - talk to your GP.

I really sympathise but urge you to recognise that this is not a parenting adults issue, its an intrusive thoughts/ catastrophising issue.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I know the issue is with me and I know it really isn't fair on my kids. Whoever mentioned menopause, my anxiety has definitely got worse during peri menopause and now menopause.

I am trying to deal with the PTSD and mostly it's working but sometimes it just gets too much.

you need to get on medication asap