Son age 20 | Mumsnet

ilovemydog123 · 2023-04-08T13:09:36+00:00

Don't know where to begin my son is 20 lives at home and dam lazy His college course is due to end June and I told him he gets a job or out Doesn't help around the house Bedroom a right state Just had a argument about tipping hot chocolate down the side of sink and leaving it stuck to the side every day I have to clean up after him not to much to ask when I work full time Sleeps all day on his days off He has one more exam and then his college course ends Never had a part time job It's time to be a adult but he keeps having a strop What do you do with your kids that age

Foxymoxy68 · 08/04/2023 14:28

We have a 20 year old son who's at university but lives at home. He attends uni 2 days a week (full days) and has a part time job, working between 16-20 hours a week. He keeps his room tidy although has to be told to dust and hoover it as he wouldn't think to do this himself but he does it when I ask him to. Again, he won't change his bed on his own accord but will do it when reminded. He will cook for us all a few times a week and can put washing on and iron his clothes although I will do this for him sometimes. Regarding other household jobs, he'll do bits and bobs when asked. We've always expected him to do his bit and he's generally pretty good. I realise we're quite lucky although we've always encouraged him to be independent especially as he hasn't gone away to uni and missed out on that experience. My husband and I were expected to help out at home when we were kids and we've been the same with our children.
He also pays us £20 a week board (he earns £200 a week).

Eggseggseverywhere · 08/04/2023 14:29

Changing the WiFi password usually jolts them into reality me.

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/04/2023 19:10

Who is paying for his phone and spending money @ilovemydog123.

If it's you I'd have a chat with him about it all stopping the day after his last exam.

Mrsjayy · 08/04/2023 19:14

What is his college course what does he want to do with the qualification.? Yeah he needs a job just stop financing him feed him obviously. I don't think throwing him our the house will work if he doesn't have a job ? If he's always got away with treating the house/you like crap he's not going to change over night.

Mrsjayy · 08/04/2023 19:15

@Foxymoxy68 seems to have it sussed maybe take some tips from their post.

Davros · 08/04/2023 19:17

But she doesn't say HOW they've got him to do all of this. The info is no use without saying me tips

Davros · 08/04/2023 19:18

Eh? Some tips

Mrsjayy · 08/04/2023 19:21

Well I assume she said son you need to make dinner Tuesday Thursday for the family change your bed etc etc .

mrsfollowill · 08/04/2023 19:23

What are your sons plans O/P - that's a starting point. How does he see the next six months panning out? More education/a job? Does he have a focus or know what he wants to do? Is it realistic?

Original poster

ilovemydog123 · 08/04/2023 19:53

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/04/2023 19:10

Who is paying for his phone and spending money @ilovemydog123.

If it's you I'd have a chat with him about it all stopping the day after his last exam.

I pay for everything it all stops when he's finished college I will top his phone up for safety reasons and he got no excuse to look for a job
It will be hard to do but I need to

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovemydog123 · 08/04/2023 19:55

Mrsjayy · 08/04/2023 19:14

What is his college course what does he want to do with the qualification.? Yeah he needs a job just stop financing him feed him obviously. I don't think throwing him our the house will work if he doesn't have a job ? If he's always got away with treating the house/you like crap he's not going to change over night.

He's doing public services and wants to do some with foresigic crime
So I haven't pushed too much as wanted him to do well
He wants a year off to get job and pass test so I'm going with that
Fingers crossed
He's been with his partner nearly 2 years

OP posts:

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/04/2023 20:00

I pay for everything it all stops when he's finished college I will top his phone up for safety reasons and he got no excuse to look for a job

Can I ask what you mean by safety reasons? Just asking as my DS roughly the same age, ie a man and I don't pay for his phone for his safety

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/04/2023 20:01

He wants a year off to get job and pass test so I'm going with that

And if he wants to work for a year, is he applying for full time jobs now? If not, he needs to be onto that now.

Foxymoxy68 · 08/04/2023 20:13

I'm not sure if I can give any tips really. Our son is pretty compliant and not argumentative at all. That's just his nature although his dad is probably more domesticated than me! So maybe it was his influence! But I know not all kids are like this. His sisters, who have both left home, were the same. I think we just made it clear that we all had to muck in as we both work full time in very full on jobs. We also told them they had to get jobs as we weren't funding their social lives! I paid my son's phone until he was 19 and I've got a loan to get a car for him but he's making the repayments. Maybe we're too old fashioned! I dunno!

Mrsjayy · 08/04/2023 20:32

ilovemydog123 · 08/04/2023 19:55

He's doing public services and wants to do some with foresigic crime
So I haven't pushed too much as wanted him to do well
He wants a year off to get job and pass test so I'm going with that
Fingers crossed
He's been with his partner nearly 2 years

Show quote history

I think a part time job will look good on his application for whatever he applies for maybe tell him that. BTW you don't have to top up his phone for anything .

Original poster

ilovemydog123 · 08/04/2023 21:08

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/04/2023 20:01

He wants a year off to get job and pass test so I'm going with that

And if he wants to work for a year, is he applying for full time jobs now? If not, he needs to be onto that now.

Wish he was that's why it's iratating but he has one more exam in may and course ends June so no excuse then

OP posts:

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/04/2023 21:12

Wish he was that's why it's iratating but he has one more exam in may and course ends June so no excuse then

Perhaps have a gentle word with him about when the funding ceases, for me that would be the day after his final exam and suggest that he starts thinking of what job he's going to be doing to replace the funds now.

Almost 2 months is plenty if wagering from you.

AllOfThemWitches · 08/04/2023 21:19

Foxymoxy68 · 08/04/2023 14:28

We have a 20 year old son who's at university but lives at home. He attends uni 2 days a week (full days) and has a part time job, working between 16-20 hours a week. He keeps his room tidy although has to be told to dust and hoover it as he wouldn't think to do this himself but he does it when I ask him to. Again, he won't change his bed on his own accord but will do it when reminded. He will cook for us all a few times a week and can put washing on and iron his clothes although I will do this for him sometimes. Regarding other household jobs, he'll do bits and bobs when asked. We've always expected him to do his bit and he's generally pretty good. I realise we're quite lucky although we've always encouraged him to be independent especially as he hasn't gone away to uni and missed out on that experience. My husband and I were expected to help out at home when we were kids and we've been the same with our children.
He also pays us £20 a week board (he earns £200 a week).

How is this helpful? 'Shame you're struggling with your kid but listen to me tell you about my perfect child!' 😆

Don't fund his lifestyle, that's my advice.

Runnerduck34 · 08/04/2023 21:37

The sink would drive me mad too but tbh doesnt sound that different to many teens. They don't see dirt or mess like we do.
I'm fed up by coffee splats by our coffee machine!
I mainly leave their rooms to them- keep the door closed!- but do nudge re dirty plates,washing etc and remind them to change their beds.
Pick your battles.
Teens sleep for hours, almost for as long as the cat!
I would wait until college course is finished so DS can revise for exams, complete assignments etc before pushing for a job.
Is uni an option?
Of course once they've finished college they need to either go to uni or find a job. But I think most young people need help with cv and job applications and encouraging.
Is there any career advice at college?
As a mum of 4 DC ages 16-23, I can't imagine throwing them out if they didn't get a job.
I would concentrate on trying to build communication, chat about neutral things, don't make every conversation about a demand or a series of questions ( easier said than done). My DS left school at 18 after ALevels, spent 6months gaming and sleeping and trying ( not very hard) to look for an apprenticeship, he got despondent as many employers just dont respond.
In the end I kinda took over and actively looked for apprenticeships with him and wrote his applications with him, he then did get an apprenticeship but tbh he needed a lot of steering !