How do you manage household food/shopping meals with adult children at home?

[TiredWife]

We currently have DH, me, DS1 (23) and DS2 (20) at home.

DH is fairly recently semi-retired (works 1-2 days max per week)
I do some freelance bits & pieces and volunteering (prob also adds up to 1-2 days week)
DS1 working full time (living at home until Sept prob)
DS2 - student - back in uni hols

As a legacy from the past I still do everything to do with food shopping/ checking cupboards/managing supplies (milk/ loo rolls etc)/ meal planning (loosely) etc.

Everyone sorts out their own breakfasts/lunch and we have a meal together in the evening for whoever is in. DH/DS1 & I share the cooking.

We get through soooo much food and I am fed up of being the only person responsible for it! We get Sainbury deliveries and everyone can access the app. Every week I arrange a delivery and tell people to add things to the shopping list or into the basket but they just don't!
Then inevitably, there will be "did you get any XXXX?"

If you have adult children (and lazy DHs) at home how do you get them to do more on the food front?

When I'm doing the shopping I ask everybody if there's anything they want or we need. If they ask me at any point if we have any x I tell them I didn't order if because they didn't ask. The only things I order with every delivery are milk and toilet rolls. They are all capable of going to the shop. DS and DD usually text to ask if we need anything if they're at the supermarket.

Take it in turns to do the food shopping each week (& pay!), so you only have to do it one week in 4?

My partner, myself (in our 30s) and our newborn moved in with my parents for some months during the 2020 lockdown. Even with a newborn and the difficulties shopping in lockdown, my partner and I did our own food shopping for everything apart from evening meals, which we shared with my parents. We were given a shelf in the fridge and part of the cupboard. It worked really well, kept my mum free from going back to managing a family, made us aware of finances and kept us functioning as adults with agency. If we wanted a guilty bar of chocolate or similar we didn’t have to run it past anyone else. I also lived at home in my early 20s and at that stage my mum did do all the shopping. Looking back, I think this was disempowering for both her and I and that from the time I had a job or student allowance, I should have been responsible for adult domestic things. When I moved out and lived alone, my mental health actually improved as I had a reason to work, get out of bed, clean the kitchen etc.

Hmm - I don't think the shelf each in the fridge would work really as we'd all have the same - cheese, ham, eggs, milk etc.

Nobody really ever goes to the supermarket in person - it's not very local/convenient. DH will occasionally call if he's in M&S food buying a gift or something, and say 'do we need anything?' but that just annoys me a bit because a) he could have looked at the shopping list whiteboard in the kitchen beforehand and b) it makes me responsible for the mental load again of knowing what we want/ need and c) it's just about buying bits and pieces not doing the whole weekly shop, week in, week out.

I want to say 'I've done this for 25 years and I don't want to be the only one doing it any more' but DH will just go into a huff and mutter rubbish about 'doing more than his fair share' (compared to who??) and the DSs will shuffle off.

I really can't see how to change things without having a massive fight!

We have one adult child and one teenager at home. We order food for breakfasts every day and 4 evening meals a week. Adult child shops and cooks for two evening meals per week and we have a takeaway which we pay for on a Friday (but adult child is usually out then and doesn’t partake). Teenager has school lunches and adult child sorts himself out for lunches at his own expense.

I have dd(23) her partner(24) da (20) myself and dh in our household. I do an online shop weekly with all the basics and regular things they like.
I plan for a main meal each evening for all of us plus snacks eg bread, cheese, fruit, crisps.
I always ask if there is anything they want just before I place an order. I also have a chalkboard in the kitchen where anyone can write down items that they want. (Within reason😀)
If they don't tell me or write it on the board it doesn't get ordered.
Dd and her bf do have a small fridge to store items they buy just for themselves.

When we did click n collect during Covid for a family of 5 with older teens our shopping was basically the same every week including basics plus a few treats, and main ingredients for meals. Seem to work quite well.

I would just order the usual stuff for the next few times and see if anyone moans. It sounds like you are all out and about and could get top ups if wanted.

Delegate it to one of the kids to manage. Don't you have a shopping list? Everyone can add to that, then do an online shop.

Just stop doing for everyone and accept there will be kick back.

once the norm is broken discuss building a new one together.

I recommend as above splitting shipping up by adults/weeks so that if they don’t do it properly then everyone goes without.

Me, DH and DS (26) at home. I do all the supermarket shopping but DH is responsible for cooking at weekends so if he needs meat he'll go to the butchers on a Saturday. DS likes 'exotic' cooking so will often buy more specialist ingredients to create dishes when he cooks (usually once a week) but will use the basics from our fridge freezer. DS is pretty good at telling me if we've run out if things and improvising if we don't have something. DH is pretty useless at remembering to tell me but I do scan all the cupboards and the fridge before I shop.
DH takes a packed lunch - DS does 3 times a week. There's always bread in the freezer and cheese/cold meat/hummus in the fridge. I'm always guilty of buying too much food and nagging them to use stuff in date order rather than what they fancy!

Surely this is easily solved. Reiterate that they need to add what they want to the list. If they don't do it and there isn't stuff they want then there isn't stuff, that's the consequence if them being lazy / expecting someone else to do it.

Honestly if you keep 'rescuing' then they will never learn. Don't make a big deal out if it just say 'everything that was ordered is here'. No need for discussion, you are making this your problem when it's theirs.

I’d assign people weeks. I don’t tolerate them taking advantage of you.

maybe you used to do it all. But not they are grown ass adults, and your husband has the time.

We have settled into a pattern of DD does her thing and I do mine.

I tell DD to put stuff on the Asda list, she doesn't and then she moans she has no food and goes to Tesco.

I do make sure there is a regular stock of essentials like milk, butter, bread, eggs and also buy all cleaning products.

life is too short to be chasing after a student, she can feed herself!

DH does the food shopping in our house but occasionally I will do a mid week top up for milk, bread, fruit and any bits we run out of. DS also does a mid week shop sometimes. dS cooks once a week, DH once and I do most of the rest if I am in.

I want to say 'I've done this for 25 years and I don't want to be the only one doing it any more' but DH will just go into a huff and mutter rubbish about 'doing more than his fair share'

Has your husband always been such a lazy, selfish prick? Fucking hell. He's all but retired and can't manage to go to the shop?

Drop the rope already, op, because you're verging on martyrdom. Your husband and sons are adults, they know where the shop and kitchen are. They are taking you for granted and you're allowing it. You're not their fucking skivvy.

Tell them you are stepping back from buying food for everyone, effective immediately. If they want something, they can figure out how to get it.

We have kids age 23, 22, 19 and 17 at home.
Fed up to the back teeth of them not responding to dinner offers or saying they’ll be in and then throwing food away so now it goes like this.
Dh or I cook for us and 17 yo as he’s still in education and the others all got that too. If we’re doing something that can be easily made bigger like a pasta dish or stir fry or curry then we’ll offer it out in the family group chat with a time that we’ll be shopping or making as a deadline.
We keep the house well stocked with freezer food and cupboard stuff as well as fridge bits and fruit and veg so there’s always something that can be made but 100% have stopped working around other adults. Life is so much easier!
Therefore add for shopping, dh and I just do it, but each of the kids has some of their own stuff in cupboard and fridge, if it’s specifically theirs then they write their name on it with a sharpie.
We stopped doing their washing at the same point as well.

How do you decide what to order? Do you have a system?

And what happens when someone realises that something has run out? Do they go out for it? Do they use something that you’ve mentally earmarked for other things?

If it’s just moaning, I’d just respond that they need to add it to the app, and then forget about it. They can moan again next week if they forget.

But shrug off the guilt tripping. Be clear that your responsibility is to place the order, and be home to accept it (if you even want to - the point is only to be clear where your responsibility begins and ends)

If they end up using other things that interfere with your meal planning for instance, then do your share of the cooking the first couple of nights after the delivery, so that the consequences affect them.

We do all shopping in person.

There is me and dh, ds who is a student so home for the summer and dd who is about to move back in for a while.

Dh and I shop weekly for the family. We ask if there is anything specific people would like me to buy eg when dd is home I will buy extra eggs as she has eggs for breakfast each day whereas ds eats yoghurts. I buy the basics of bread and milk etc and food for a weeks worth of family meals taking into account what I know everyone likes.

Anything extra they go to the shop and buy themselves.

I have one DD still at home (22), and DH. I order a delivery of food every week and ask them if there's anything they want me to add. DD is pretty good and takes the time to look at the order .... DH just mutters 'the usual', then wonders why he hasn't got certain things (I didn't know they had run out as I don't eat them!).

They can both go to a supermarket if they need extra stuff.

We've just started Hello Fresh, getting a delivery of two meals a week .... loving it!