Estrangement from child

[KatieSuz]

Hi all. I've been estranged from my 19 year old son for over a year and it's breaking my heart. His father was abusive to me and my children and our divorce was nasty. My poor kids were stuck in the middle of this and unfortunately my son picked my ex. I know I'm not without fault (I should have left earlier and got them out sooner) but abuse nearly killed me and it took me years to manage to escape. However, if I'd known where the divorce would lead I'd have stayed within the marriage rather than lose my son to my abusive ex. I'm heartbroken and I don't know what to do with the pain. I'm also so worried about the continued abuse he'll be suffering in that house. It's so hard to discuss in person, as people don't get it and find it really difficult to know what to say. If I hear one more well meaning friend say something like "he'll be back when he's ready", I'll scream.

Is there anyone who's been through something similar who can offer me a glimmer of hope or some advice on coping strategies please? Please be kind - I'm at breaking point with this. Thank you.

I've not been through and I can't even begin to imagine how much you are suffering @KatieSuz

Yes me.
I have 3 sons - had a very dysfunctional relationship with their dad for over 20 years.
we split up , middle son aged 19 at the time decided to go and live with his dad and cause lots of trouble for me - that’s died down now and occasionally when he falls out with his Dad (son is now late 20s) will get in touch but usually for financial reasons or to find out what’s going on (obviously to relay back to his dad - however he’s my son still so I just go along with it) - my eldest son is the one that hurts the most, we were vv close and he stayed at home all through uni and then after graduating he changed completely and became really narcissistic toward me and ds3 - he work’s abroad and I never hear from him - he was v close to ds3 once he went abroad but has since spoilt that relationship too.

At the time all this was going on I had been really I’ll and was receiving lots of therapy and what I’m about to say to you is what I learnt and was advised.

He is an adult, he is making his choices and you can’t and do t have to justify his choices - you cannot control his behaviour and you cannot demand his love and affection.

He has chosen to cut contact and no amount of sorrow from you will change it.

he is not missing you, if he were he would be seeking to reconcile.

your days and your life are just as important as his, and you have to get on and live your life.

when you can accept that it is his choice then you can begin to reconcile with yourself that he is living his chosen path.

you’d be very surprised at just how many parents are going through this too.

I felt a huge failure but I remain very close to ds3 and many of ds 1&2s friends still visit me xx

I second the points made by @Holliegee It’s been 15 years for me. The early years were horribly tough. It no longer hurts and hasn’t for several years. I’m sad to have lost the little boy my son used to be. The man he became, not so much.

@AnnieSnap it is a huge step in acceptance distinguishing the line from the child you knew and loved to the grown man with chosen behaviour - I still love and miss my son but I miss who he was (when he would never have done this).
There are so many parents living through this and I think for me, it was my fabulous GP who said to me ‘your life is just as important, you are loved by many- take the joy from those who want you in their lives’.

im sending you and everyone else going through similar very unmumsnetty hugs xx

My stomach churned reading your post op. We had 3 ds's. 1 alas is a clone of his df in his mind. Haven't seen him for over 6 years. The younger 2 he neglected until they realised and they left.
Exh is now dead and the relief I felt was immeasurable.. Sadly ds1 is too damaged to attempt any sort of reconciliation.. Sorry no advice except time and maturity.. Then your dc can make up his own mind.

Thank you @Holliegee I agree there are so many parents living through this. I was embarrassed by the situation for several years, because many people (mumsnet is notorious) assume we must have abused our children in some way for them to cut contact. This will be right in many cases, but in many more, we have been good, loving parents. ❤️

I was estranged from DS now 22 for 2-3 years following separation from exh as he took his dad's side completely. DS now 18 had done 50-50.
His dad then then moved in with his gf and her 3 kids telling older one to find his own place to live. Younger one followed on being kicked out a couple of months later. So both now live with me full time.

Don't lose hope!