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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Empty nest pain

41 replies

Mumtothreeandadog · 30/01/2023 10:41

DC haven't even left home yet, but it won't be long. They are 19 and 20. The thought of them leaving is a like a knife to my heart. They are working now and some days when they leave, I hide myself in the loo and have a secret weep. DH doesn't understand and looks at me like I have two heads. Menopause and ageing parents are also in the mix.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumtothreeandadog · 28/02/2023 21:53

Belfastmum23 no advice but happy to DM and have a virtual group?

OP posts:

Confusedabout · 01/04/2023 20:21

I know its an older thread but I came on here looking for this exact same thing.

My DS has been my world, a single parent for 19 years and he's suddenly found a whole new life and world that I'm not a part of. My heart is broken and I'm not sure what to do. I've not seen him for nearly 2 weeks and when he came home last night, I just got really angry with him.

He's not moved out, just basically sitting in his car in carparks with friends til midnight. I feel like I've done something wrong or not made him happy enough.

I do however have BPD so I'm wondering if that is a huge part of how I feel.

ScarlettDarling · 01/04/2023 20:42

It’s very hard and you have my sympathy. My ds went off to uni at the other end of the country last October. I was an absolute wreck in the weeks leading up to it but then he went and it wasn’t as bad as I’d thought. What’s made it so much easier is the fact that he’s so happy and that’s what most important to me in the world. And the uni terms go so quickly and when he’s at home it’s like he’s never been away.

I still have my dd at home. I often think about what it’ll be like when she goes to uni. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t secretly hope she’d choose a university closer to home but even if she does go further afield I know I’ll be fine as long as she’s happy.

The prospect of it is worse than the reality but it’s bloody hard. I feel like I’m on the edge of not being needed any more. I made my dc the complete centre of my universe and while I wouldn’t change a thing if I had my time all over again, I do feel like I’ve lost my sense of ‘self’. I know that I need to start doing more things for myself and making more of an effort with old friends but I can’t be bothered!

I’m waffling I know! But you’re not alone!

fitnessmummy · 01/04/2023 20:43

Ohh I get this! My babies are only 4 and 8 and I dread this day! Sending hugs! Get busy and keep your mind off it. Kids always need their mum's x

Original poster

Mumtothreeandadog · 02/04/2023 09:09

I am the OP and still feeling it and mine are still at home. They are spending more time out with their mates or at work now than they are at home, my heart is literally breaking. I miss them so much, I know that is a normal part of growing up and I wouldn't stop them. I try and keep busy but it doesn't stop the pain and they haven't left yet. Understand how my DM felt when I left home now.

OP posts:

ssd · 02/04/2023 09:19

My parents are gone now and I'll never have the chance to ask my mum how she felt when i left at 18. She just seemed to get on with it but knowing her she'd just have carried on.
Its different when its your own kids isn't it, you don't realise how huge it is until it hits you.
I need to try to get into a better mindset, i keep thinking what I'll be like coming home from work to a quiet tidy house, i feel it'll be really sad but maybe not if your kids are happy doing their own thing.
But don't feel alone op, so many of us feel the same.

Original poster

Mumtothreeandadog · 02/04/2023 09:38

I am trying to keep busy, lots of hobbies etc to try and take away the pain but it hurts. Tried to talk to DH but he doesn't get it.

OP posts:

whatisforteamum · 09/04/2023 11:19

Mumtothreeandadog maybe your relationship isn't what it could be..I know mine isn't and this makes the last one going much harder I think.
It can be quite lonely and I don't want to be the clingy mum either.
It is an adjustment and we will get there.

ssd · 09/04/2023 12:18

Yes, i think what makes it doubly hard is your dh not understanding how you feel and not even trying to see it from your point of view.

Oblomov23 · 11/04/2023 07:30

When you talk about your sister-in-law, it sounds like you have very low self-esteem, so some counselling to address that.
Do you work? You aren't just a mum. Do you have a hobby, friends? With the new found time you have, Why aren't you doing more stuff: going to see a play, suggesting to a friend that you meet up and try that new cafe?

IsolatedWilderness · 11/04/2023 07:32

After the death of one, no, don't feel it at all. As long as they're alive and doing okay, they can be wherever on this planet they like.

junebirthdaygirl · 11/04/2023 09:23

I think men often only deal with situations when they actually happen so your dh may be hit hard when they eventually go. You may be fine as you have already prepared yourself.

It's shame to waste the time you have left grieving. It won't be as bad when it happens as they are still there just in contact in different ways. They love coming home for home cooked food and their own bed . You will have lots of excitement looking forward to them arriving, hearing all the stories and may even have a sneaky feeling when they head off again due to a clean, quiet house.
Plan a life for yourself outside your dcs and dh. You will soon find you are the busy one and everyone is wondering when they can catch you. My dd says she loves telling her friends all the things her mum gets up to so it's important for them to feel you are happy and they are free to adventure.
My 3 are now adults.

SoupDragon · 11/04/2023 09:28

I imagine myself as being in the centre of a web. I know where all my family are and I can feel the threads that tie us together as a family. Provided I know where they are and that they are where they are meant to be in life, all is good and my "web", rather than "nest", is not empty.

I mean, I blubbed when the eldest went off to university as he was the first to go but it was Right.

shadypines · 11/04/2023 10:52

That's a very good analogy @SoupDragon , a web where everyone is connected and not a nest.
As a contrast btw, my DH was dreading DD going to uni and I felt fine then when she went he held it together and I was a complete wreck! Maybe you are preparing yourself now and you'll be ok.

RaininSummer · 11/04/2023 10:55

I like Soups web analogy and I totally agree with that take. Grown up kids are great and it's doubly precious when they come back for a day or two. I like to know they are out there in the world doing their thing and it wouldn't be healthy or right any other way unless there are some special needs.

ssd · 11/04/2023 11:10

I like the thought of a web too.
Ds is going back to where he is living today. My heart is sunk. But ill smile and be cheery.

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