Hostile and losing contact

[MummyMoo3]

I'll try to sum up my miserable situation the best I can being fair to my kids!
I have 3 sons and a step daughter and step son in that order age wise.
My two eldest sons have had anger and mental health issues for a long time, understandably from losing their Dad 9 years ago. It was a hard time with a lot of complicated emotional fall out. The trouble seems to me that they are no further forward now than they were in the thick of our worst times, indeed they are really hostile towards me and often refuse to speak to me. The contact they make revolves around when they want money off me which they have been getting as a regular allowance and very regular extras. (They are 23 and 20. The 23 yr old has recently started earning enough that he does not take an allowance off me but wants help with affording things from time to time. 20 yr old is a student but also works PT so gets an allowance and has recently been told to cover regular extras himself as much as he can.)
Their threats to stop contact are regular and I don't ever understand what I have done to provoke it. Example: Yesterday I got a text request from 20 yr old saying he'd lost a bag full of clothes and tech and would I send money to cover some of it. I sympathised and asked if we could have a call about it as there might be a chance to claim on insurance or report it lost wherever it was. He point black refused to give details about how/where he left the bag with hundreds of pounds worth of stuff inside saying only that he put it down. He said either I can help pay or not, answer yes or no and if I kept texting he would 'block me'.
We have been through very tough times but frankly the future could be so good if we could get on. Their open hatred of me is the only thing that blights my otherwise happy love-filled life. They have had a lot of help from professionals and I mean a lot, from different sources. It really has never seemed to help them be positive or happy or develop an ability to cope.
My 2nd husband has been fabulous at supporting me and has found it so painful to witness so much appalling behaviour towards me from my two eldest. I told him early on not to get involved as it was not helping and frankly I feared a ridiculous escalation into physical fights.
My youngest and the two step children have good relationships with me and are happy, outgoing people with friends and a good life. The elder two get on with the other kids but are either openly rude to me or ignore me and all but ignore my husband. Having had Christmas at home with me, youngest son, DH and step kids, without incident other than it was pretty good considering, one has threatened to block me on the only way I am 'allowed' to contact him and the other has uninvited me to graduation ceremony last weekend and hung up and clearly will be ignoring me for months again.
I feel as if I am in danger of becoming ill from the grief over this and I am usually a really positive person who always thinks that every problem can be solved somehow. I am painfully aware that they are clever young men so this must somehow be caused by me. I have examined everything that I have said or done in case I asked for their reactions towards me and I honestly feel that everything I have said to them reflects my intentions of kindness and love towards them.

I think you are fighting a losing battle. A long and hard fought battle! It is obviously a major source of disruption in your life and you could do without it. They have to realise that you lost their dad too! But also that you are not responsible for anything that happened then, or since. They have to grow up and take responsibility for their own lives at some point. You deserve to have peace for yourself.

Do older DC live with you or near you? Do you have much contact with them, other than requesting money? It wouldn't be a bad idea to pull back a bit. It feels like they are trying to hurt you in one way or another. By threatening to block you and uninviting you from their graduation. Their hurt should not be directed towards you.

I don't think there is much you can do to make everyone happy! They will always try and push you to your limits, so just try and stop. They will have to learn how to get by on their own, without making demands on you. Try and be the best you can for the other DC and live your life. You can't be held hostage with emotional blackmail. It's not good for your health or for the rest of the family.

Thank you Justdoingmyduty for the time you spent on your thoughtful reply. The older children live away from home (a fairly easy train ride away.) I think you are very right in your assessment of my situation and I think I knew that they are just trying to hurt me but it’s a hard thing to admit. It’s helpful to have my instincts confirmed by another adult and I’m grateful to you. The thing I have to face now is working out how to be less emotionally triggered and set boundaries but still let them know I’d like to be available to them if they can respect certain decent ways of behaving.

It's always going to be hard. They are your children, a part of who you are. You are their only parent, and unfortunately you are getting the brunt of all their emotions! There is only so much you can do without driving yourself insane. There are other humans who depend on you so you need to be the best version of yourself you can be for them. Some people just can't be helped. You can say no and please try to not feel guilty about it.

They are adults. I was married and moved out of home by the age of 18. I had a mortgage, a full time job, and was studying part time too. None of these things lasted too long, but I was an adult and I dealt with it. I got divorced, lost my job, had to sell my flat to cover debts and pay off my ExH, but I got a new job and found a new place to live. I didn't run back home and demand to be looked after by my parents. I still had 3 younger siblings that lived at home, and they came first. I had made my decisions, so I just kept moving forwards! It's a process and I got through it! That was 3 decades ago now, so I survived!!

They make threats knowing that you will give in and get what they want. They have to know that they can't do this anymore. They have to be responsible for their own actions, even losing a bag of tech items! It's not your fault, any of this. Take some time to remember who you are and become strong. Of course it will be hard, but you can do it. You have already been through so much, and you are already stronger than you think you are!

Son losing bag worth hundreds of pounds. Dodgy, are drugs involved?

Honestly I would back off completely. Enjoy your family life as it is. Don't phone or text either of them. They're men now not children. It's not your fault.

Thank you those are wise words and I am taking all that on board and looking forwards.

No justasking the bag did not contain drugs! The bag contained the stuff young men buy themselves as soon as they are earning- expensive running shoes tech from Apple and nice clothes. Not really the point tho is it!

I think arrange a meet up with your two elder sons. You say you love them and your door is always open but enough is enough you cannot continue with the lack of respect. Am I presuming correctly they don’t like your new husband? I wouldn’t be sending the elder son money only for birthdays/Christmas. I would send the other one an allowance as he is still in education but he needs to budget his money accordingly. If he loses anything he will have to save and replace. They sound like bullies.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Have you considered counselling? What you are going through is traumatic, might it help to talk it through with someone who can, perhaps, help you process it all.

I'm must be hard not to feel responsible for how your sons have turned out but sometimes it's just who they are.

How old is your younger son? The two eldest sound awful , and really I would expect relationships to improve as they got older and matured (my dc had some tricky times in relationships with us up til about 20, but now in mid 20s it's like they've grown up and become people we love spending time with).

I would certainly not be giving the oldest any money. And step back from the younger one a bit - he's not averse to using emotional blackmail, don't rise to the bait.

Having seen how a certain prince has turned out. I'd be going down the tough love route . Eldest gets zip £££. Student gets a direct debit of x ££.

Please don't throw your other family under the waterfall of your grief for times past. Live and enjoy the present.

I know two daughters who gave their stepfather and mother hell for twenty years. She was my friend until she died. Following the funeral those daughters aged 38 waited till he was out broke in and cleared the house of their mother's belongings. They're 42 and 40 now never married, they're high maintenance were looking for a millionaire each. Went to the ME Bahrain looking for a mug to marry them.

I'm so sorry my friend went through what you're going through. It's bloody awful

Are they punishing you for remarrying? Or were they like this beforehand?

Yes fair point. A certain Prince has become embarrassing hasn’t he? Honestly it makes me feel less bad about my own family situation when an actual Prince from the most privileged family on the planet(!) with that much going for him is treating his family without respect and wallowing in victim status. I have come to believe it’s a generational thing- my kids gen seems to be able to say anything without taking any responsibility for their actions or words and without understanding you make your own life how you want it! I’m sorry your friend suffered so much. We are lucky in that we have a very happy home and love each other very much, those of us left at home. The two that have left can join in if they want to but we’re not holding our breath. I’m trying to work out whether to tell them in any way that I’m fine without them but here if they behave kinder, or I just wait it out in hope they grow and get used to not having them in my life without actually saying anything. I’ve already stopped money for eldest and second son has a set allowance for uni and no more except birthday/Xmas presents. Despite all this I count my blessing everyday day.

Sparkletastic thanks for asking. (Great name btw) They might be punishing me for remarrying as they were less awful when we were just together. We were together a long time before marrying to let everyone get used to it. It was pretty good for a long time. It’s worse since eldest went to Uni and left home. Covid lockdowns def affected them all and made them less able to cope with pretty much everything. 2nd Husband is extremely kind and gentle and my eldest one is indeed a bully born from a bullying Dad. We’ve spoken together at length about me remarrying beforehand and I was careful they understood I’d always be their mum first but I’m not sure I feel that anymore. Instinct kicks in in a crisis and I’d do anything for them but if they’re coping I’m glad to be a happy wife and parent to the other kids and put us all first. I’m shocked to feel like that as I thought my love for my boys was unconditional. I will always love them but I can’t facilitate them behaving badly. Emotionally I feel I’m better letting a distance between us settle.

Replying to a few things together-
I hope we, like your family ‘Absolutely…’
get better together with age. Youngest is a wise 16 yr old who says very similar things to the kind people who have replied here. He sees his bros and loves them but is embarrassed by them and has told them to stop talking to him about it. The eldest 2 don’t actively dislike DH just don’t have much interaction. You’re dead right about not rising to the bait- im learning not to, slowly. 2nd son be horrified if I said he’s using emotional blackmail as he thinks he’s so woke, but he really is manipulative in the extreme. I’d love to tell him. We had a lot of councelling even some together but they stop when the councellors don’t back their every thought. I honestly think therapists are validating them and as the ones they go to alone have never met me they presumably believe everything they are told about what an awful mother these poor boys have had to endure.

Yes it’s really hard not to feel this is the way I parented! I always thought ‘blame the parents’ when I saw an awful toddler going crazy with no parent intervening. I’m WAY less judgemental now!!

It's the same on another thread, where a uni counsellor is validating a teenager's view of their family and advising them to go no contact.

@MummyMoo3 my son and his friends all went to university September 2019 . March 19th 2020 covid collapsed their world. They were on a roller coaster of lockdowns, studying on line, staring at the same four walls for months on end. At their graduation they were all smiling and happy. They got excellent results despite the miserable existence. They didn't take it out on their parents. Covid is not a get out card