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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Worried about weight increase

13 replies

concernedmam · 05/01/2023 08:28

Dd, aged 22, is back home from university. I'm really worried about her as she has put on a huge amount of weight in a short time. It's not down to medication - that, I know. She also seems in a bad mood alot of the time - her tone is disrespectful and ill-considered. Her diet has definitely taken a nose dive. For example, every day she has a toasty for breakfast with huge slices of mozzarella in addition to another cheese plus ham. She eats chocolate like it's going out of business. She doesn't exercise enough to burn this off.

So my worry is that she's very unhappy; that something is bothering her in life. She is under pressure at uni as it's her final year though her grades are fine; her boyfriend relationship isn't great and she has no job lined up for after uni. I'm worried about her mental health because of all of this.

How do I approach this with her? She gets very defensive and if I ask if she's okay, will bite my head off. I'm really concerned she's nose-diving and is in self-destruct mode. Through experience, I know it's hard to get out of and I want to help her as much as I can.

OP posts:

hobbledyhoy · 05/01/2023 09:05

I think you need to tread very carefully. From personal experience putting weight on at uni is not unusual, often down to poor choices created by sudden freedom, higher alcohol consumption and lack of funds which means cheap, processed food is often picked over healthier options. It may also be because she is emotional eating.

The best way to approach it may be about how she's coping in general and if she needs to talk/wants support rather than framing it around weight gain and itemising what she's eating. I had a parent focus on my weight and it didn't work, only compounded the issue.

I can understand that you're concerned about the impacts on her health but ultimately her weight is out of your direct control.

PritiPatelsMaker · 07/01/2023 08:12

I think I'd do what @hobbledyhoy suggests and talk to her about how she's coping with her final year and let her know that you're always there to listen and support. Just don't mention her weight or food choices.

My younger DD will talk to me if we go out shopping or waking the DDog. Would your DD go out somewhere with you that might give you an opportunity to chat?

Xrays · 07/01/2023 08:14

Don’t mention anything about her eating or weight. At all. Just be supportive and kind and encourage her to talk to you generally. Poor eating is a symptom of unhappiness and not the cause generally, but you already know this.

catfunk · 07/01/2023 08:30

Don't mention her weight at all.

You could casually bring up the research showing that 30 different veg/fruit/ seeds per week is great for your gut health which feeds into mental health and immunity and say you're trying to eat more of it ? Maybe check if she can afford fresh food and offer to send her a veg box weekly if you can afford it.

Honestly I've been a moody teen and I suggest if you ask if she's ok and she bites your head off repeatedly, tell her to stop being so fucking rude. You're her mother and you love her and it's a perfectly reasonable thing to ask. She's 22 not 14.

Dogsgottabone · 07/01/2023 08:35

I put on weight in my first year at uni and can still remember my parents telling me that they thought I looked a bit chunky from behind when we were on a walk. I'm 44 now.

Dont mention the weight. And don't push the help on her either, but just make it clear you are happy to listen.

I wouldn't have discussed anything with my parents at that age and Tbh I still don't discuss big stuff with them. Uni is about getting independent. She will soon lose some weight and start healthy eating once she graduates.

PritiPatelsMaker · 07/01/2023 11:14

cat. I'd forgotten about the 30 plants for gut health thing. I started it in lockdown and although the teens thought I was a bit mad, they did discuss it a tiny bit with me and I did notice that they ate ever so slightly better. I've been I'll twice recently so thanks for the reminder, I've stated it again today.

I'm not surprised that you can remember that @Dogsgottabone, that's truly awful

lljkk · 07/01/2023 11:53

DD did same but superficially opposite as adult: went anorexic.

Fair enough to ask them about if they are happy or have anything in their life they want to talk about. I don't think I've had success with any other tactic with DD. She spouts so much BS about her size "You don't realise how hard it is to gain weight!" Am pretty sure DD is purging (yours is probably secret binging). They are adults. I don't contest & try not to comment, but I don't agree either.

Original poster

concernedmam · 07/01/2023 12:04

All good advice here so thank-you.

OP posts:

HaroldsDogBowl · 07/01/2023 12:11

Oh I don't know. My mum was never frightened to say I'd put on weight when I was a teenager or a younger adult.

It hurt, of course.. but also gave me a little check to rein things in.

I'm 32 now and a size 8, it certainly didn't give me issues or anything.

I know that no amount of hinting about healthy food would have done it, I mean I knew about healthy food, I just preferred McDonald's. 🤷🏽‍♀️

But do ignore me, I know it's a hard topic to tackle.

mondaytosunday · 07/01/2023 13:06

@catfunk Thats not exactly subtle - I think she will see any mention of food as a direct comment on the fact her mother doesn't think she is eating properly!
As someone who struggles with their weight, any mention of ANYTHING to do with weight and food would have the opposite effect that my own mother was hoping. She just couldn't resist - if she saw a girl my age she hadn't seen for a while it was always : ' saw X today and she's looking so slim'. Or 'Y just lost ten pounds in this new diet'. She thought she was being coy but she might as well have said 'you are fat do something' to my face.
And how much is 'loads' of weight?
Just be supportive and open to listening - not you talking, but listening. She sounds anxious about her future - university means three years are taken care of and now it's up to her, and that can be deeply scary. Don't bang on about a job - you pointing out she doesn't have one isnt news to her. Just be there, be her best cheerleader, and hopefully she will work it out.

catfunk · 07/01/2023 13:47

mondaytosunday · 07/01/2023 13:06

@mondaytosunday I see where you're coming from and my mum was the same, which was very damaging but OP is also concerned about the quality of DDs diet and mental health/ general wellbeing so increasing veg will help this - nothing to do with weight (in the same way that getting enough water and sleep will)
I would try to encourage a holistic approach and looking at the bigger picture/ forming good habits rather than mentioning weight.
When people put on weight they bloody well know about it they don't need it pointing out to them.

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2023 13:55

It’s her final year of university- her grades are good. That’s brilliant.

She’s potentially unhappy with her boyfriend (I was too at the same age) and she’s doing a bit of comfort eating - but it’s been Christmas, plenty of people do at this time of year. She’s got loads of time to get a job.

Just be a supportive, gentle home base. Do not mention her weight. Do tell her you are proud of her. Do be there if she wants to offload about anything but don’t pry. Do tell her not to worry too much about the future but just concentrate on her final year.

PritiPatelsMaker · 07/01/2023 19:00

All good advice here so thank-you

It's so difficult isn't it @concernedmam

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