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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

How to tell my daughter we are moving

29 replies

Kaitkyn76 · 03/01/2023 20:23

Hi
My partner and I want to move out of certain area into a better area. Same town just closer to the town centre and alot better area...
We currently live in a small two bed house and found a large two bed flat..it needs work, only decorating not structure work ..but it's the space we love. It's bigger and better lay out for our needs. Got our own front door with stairs to the flat..no sharing it's all ours..
The bedrooms are alot better than what we got here. They are both large double rooms . I currently have double and my daughter's in a single room here...

Now my 21 year old daughter lives with us and last year we looked into moving to a property and she went mental, screaming and shouting. We lost out on that property as when she viewed it with us and she was rude to the owners...she came across a spoilt brat to he honest..don't know what got into her she Saying as 20 years old...saying it's dirty and grubby her whole attitude stunk it was embarrassing.
So we lost that one,!!

After a stern conversation with her she said she likes where we are and it's a new build style and she not embarrassed by it, ( image thing)and she fed up of moving..she only moved four times in 21years..
Our current property is in new build style where as the property we like is older style.

We are so worried how to tell her any advice please as so worried cos of previous reaction

She works full time and pays us little rent if that makes a difference to anything.

Thank you

OP posts:
OnaBegonia · 03/01/2023 20:25

I'd tell her you're moving, she's welcome to join you, if not feel
free to find her own flat and pay for it.

Edinvillian · 03/01/2023 20:25

I have a 21 year old, I would buy it and wouldn't tell her until it was a done deal. She has a choice to come with you or go find a place to rent.
If she wants a new build then she can buy/rent one herself.

baublesandbreakdowns · 03/01/2023 20:28

You just have to tell her and make it clear she can move with you if she chooses but equally she's welcome to find her own place.

She also can't be part of the buying/selling process because of how she behaved last time.

Usually I would be all for getting her involved but she clearly can't be trusted to be.

If she kicks off she can leave now.

Rogue1001MNer · 03/01/2023 20:31

Surely she doesn't intend to live with you for ever???

I'm guessing if you said she's moved 4 times, it's not her childhood home

RodiganReed · 03/01/2023 20:32

If my adult daughter lost me the purchase of a property through petulant rude behaviour, she wouldn't still be living with me. Simple as.

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/01/2023 20:32

She’s 21. An adult. And she’s working. Time for her to move out and live independently if she doesn’t want to live in your new place..

mrstea301 · 03/01/2023 20:33

Edinvillian · 03/01/2023 20:25

I have a 21 year old, I would buy it and wouldn't tell her until it was a done deal. She has a choice to come with you or go find a place to rent.
If she wants a new build then she can buy/rent one herself.

I agree with this. She can't have the deciding say in where you live if she's not even contributing significantly. As long as there's a room for her, i actually thought you were going to say you were downsizing Grin

You've tried to involve her and she ruined it, she's had her chance.

LouLou198 · 03/01/2023 20:34

"I'd tell her you're moving, she's welcome to join you, if not feel
free to find her own flat and pay for it."

Exactly this!!
It's a while back now but when I was 21 I was a qualified professional and had just bought my own house! She is an adult, she clearly needs to grow up!

DorkingHen · 03/01/2023 20:36

Given her behaviour last time, I wouldn’t tell her until you’ve exchanged and completion is imminent.

Rockingcloggs · 03/01/2023 20:37

I was a home owner (albeit with mortgage) and planning my wedding when I was 21. If she doesn't want to move with you then I'm sure she can get sort herself out, with her own money, in her own time, to her own taste!

justcallmeJane · 03/01/2023 20:40

I appreciate times are different now but at 21 I got my first mortgage.

Imisscoffee2021 · 03/01/2023 20:43

@Kaitkyn76 just do it. Me and my sister kicked off at my mam and step dad when they wanted to move from a pretty shabby area to the coast, crying about the cats being confused and all sorts of ridiculous reasons when really we were teenagers who were just used to the house and didn't want change as we'd never experienced it before.

I regret it SO much now because they're still there and now stuck there as prices have rocketed. It would have been an amazing fixer upper project for them and in their retirement they would have lived walking distance from the sea and a fun and vibrant community, shops and cafes. Honestly, I feel like shit when I remember how we were, and that it was love for us that kept my mam from putting her foot down. But then three years later I moved from north east to South and my sister went to west for uni! And we never came back home to live. Argh, just thinking of it makes me cringe and feel such regret.

So just move and she'll get used to it.

2bazookas · 03/01/2023 20:44

" DH and I have decided to move . Why don't you get a place of your own or share with a friend? "

MichelleScarn · 03/01/2023 20:46

Agree with all pp, tell her you plan to move, and you'll let her know once you've found somewhere, she is welcome to come (if you still want her to!) Does she behave like an adult at home? Sharing tasks etc? Xx

MichelleScarn · 03/01/2023 20:46

Apologies for the v v unmnetty xx there! 😳

MarmiteCoriander · 03/01/2023 20:49

Does she have special needs or other SEN difficulties with change/moving???

If not, she is being very unreasonable! Your house, your money, your plans. Does she pay rent?

What are HER plans to move out/study further etc???

Atethehalloweenchocs · 03/01/2023 20:55

She can decide - she can either move with you or rent a room elsewhere.

VahineNuiWentHome · 03/01/2023 21:09

So she is 21yo and living with you.
Is she working, at Uni?
I assume no SN, disability etc..?

I would tell her you are moving and buying a flat. She is happy to come with you if she wants to. Or she can find somewhere to live that is more to her liking.
No discussion.

VahineNuiWentHome · 03/01/2023 21:11

Sorry I miss she is working full time!!

Then no hesitation.
yes she’ll have less money. That’s what we call being an adult. She’ll have to get used to it.

AxolotlEars · 03/01/2023 21:35

"By the way we have decided that we would like to move. We put or are putting in an offer on a place. We know you aren't keen on moving out of the area so we'd understand if you don't come with us/understand at your age if you want your own place."

The thing is there's zero you can do about people going loopy-la-la. There's also zero she can do about you selling and buying a property. If you are convinced that it's the one for you, giving her the impression that her opinion is welcome, valid or part of the decision making process would be a mistake.

You don't have to have her view it either. You can be empathic when she expresses her unhappiness/disappointment but just prepare yourself for all the tactics and keep a mantra on repeat.

May be the best move for her too

Relaxd · 03/01/2023 21:37

Difficult but just don’t tell her until you’ve had an offer accepted on a new premises. She shouldn’t be part of a buying decision - whilst it’s nice to include her if she is mature, it is by no means required for her to have a deciding say or to view the houses! She also needs to be aware she isn’t being kicked out either (unless you buy a one bed which would be harsh not to give her some decent notice!) but that she has the option to move out if she doesn’t want to live where you have chosen.

Tinselandtiaras · 03/01/2023 21:53

We moved when DC was 18 and gone to uni. Due to other commitments DC didn’t view new house. They saw first choice house but we couldn’t secure it so we had 2nd choice. They set off for uni at beginning of the year and we moved beginning of December so they returned home for Christmas to the new house. 20 miles from previous home. It makes it a bit trickier to meet up with friends but they manage and actually have a bigger room and the house is nicer too.
Just be aware as your DD is over 18, they do have to sign a document as part of the process to say they have no claim on your house. They don’t have any legal claim so even if they tried to avoid signing it, it might just mean a small delay. it might be worth checking what the implications are if they refuse to sign that document just to be on the safe side. That is literally the only input they have to the process. This is your house not theirs so while you may continue to offer a room on the same terms, you are under no obligation to.
Good luck with the house hunting.

FoxyLoxy79 · 07/01/2023 04:41

Do not pander to her shitty behaviour. Move where you want to, if madam doesn't like it she can get her own place.

Once the sale has gone through tell her she will have a roof over her head if she needs it in the new home, and if she doesn't want to move there she can make her own arrangements.

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/01/2023 14:59

Another one saying that as long as there are no SEN I wouldn't tell her until it's a done deal.

She had her chance to be involved last time and blew it quite spectacularly. So simply can't be trusted to act in a mature manner and be part of the decision process.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2023 15:05

Don't even tell her you're buying another home. Just do it and refuse to listen to her abuse if she kicks off.