Adult daughter and boundaries

[blipclip]

Some background: Dd(21) is home from uni for xmas. She's great friends with a our friend's dd (20) who is also home. We've known the family for over 20 years and now socialise about once/month with the parents.

Over the past couple of years, she's been sharing small video clips/pics/stories of her life with our friend's daughter. It's got worse in the last year. We find out from our friends that they know family stuff. It sounds so minor but it has begun to increasingly irritate me. So, any family things we do seem to get passed on to this friend who then tells our friend's daughter who then shares it with her parents who then disclose they've seen us in video clips/pics/what we've been doing.

To give an example .. we were out driving to take a walk the other day, all singing a bit daft-like in the car/bantering/making jokes, etc. our friends popped over the other night and turns out they'd seen a videoclip of us doing that which she'd sent her friend. In itself I guess it wasn't a major thing but it just felt a bit intrusive that they'd had access to it unbeknown to us and her sister. There has been multiple other similar incidents.

I've tried speaking to her and she just gets annoyed but I'm starting to feel what happens in the home isn't private any more if you get what I mean. I feel she's using what we do at times as comic capital - not in a nasty way - but because her boundaries have become so weak.

So, how do I resolve this situation. I've told her already that I don't feel comfortable about it but she is defensive and eye rolls. I've told her in the past that she shouldn't do this but I now don't have any confidence in her ability to maintain that private-public boundary and not overshare. It's akin to young teenage behaviour rather than a 21 year old, I feel.

Just to add, there's nothing romantic going on between her and this friend.

So stop acting up for the camera. If you allow her to film you she can do what she wants with it.

She is secretly recording it?

Not helpful for you, but dd1 has just got a phone for Christmas and the rule is no filming anyone at home. I want to make it clear from the start it's not ok to take my privacy away

In your case I'd stop singing, having fun etc and tell your dd it's because she keeps breaking your trust and sharing it without your permission.

If you wanted to be a real dick you could film her doing something she wouldn't particularly like and ask her how she'd feel if you shared it

I think the issue here is you have different ideas of what a public - private boundary is. At 21 she'll have been raised with social media, vloggers / influencers / friends sharing every part of their life online. I'm 29, and it was similar for me but for my younger sister it was even more prevalent. Whilst to you it seems like an issue, to her it is just normal life.

People share snippets of their daily lives on social media / send to friends way way more now than they ever did, and if she's been raised in an era of technology and it being the norm socially (which in my age group and younger it definitely seems to be!) then she won't understand your boundaries as you don't understand hers. To her it's probably fun family times she's sharing with a friend, to you it's weak private boundaries.

I think you just need to be a bit firmer (it probably won't be popular though!) and explain that to you it really isn't appropriate or something you're happy with. That you're happy (if you are) for her to record memories, but not for them to be shared.

I record often at family events - like chrismtas with my

collyerbristow.com/longer-reads/the-legality-of-covert-recording/

I'd say that what she's doing could be illegal

*posted too soon!!

Christmas with my PIL - but these are for me, my DH and his parents to laugh about and remember fun times with. I don't put anything like that in the public view because I know my PIL wouldn't like being published that way. It's one of those respect things that is quite different between our generations.

Secretly film her sleeping and send it to all of your friends. Ask her how she likes that.

I'd say the condition for her staying with you is she hands over her phone and she can get it back when she goes out of the house. That's a way for you to have a boundary for yourself and your other daughter.

Hold on, is your daughter sharing these videos and pictures with your friend, or is her friend always with you and taking them herself?

If I was uncomfortable with something my adult DCs were doing and had explicitly asked them to stop I'd get really cross if they did it again and wouldn't give a crap if they got defensive.
I'd have a look at your own boundaries OP. DD isn't a child and she's being disrespectful to you.

@monsteronahill yes, I think probably this is it. However, it doesn't happen in reverse - her friends' videos are not shared by them. I get it is a different culture. However, I don't want pictures of me slobbing about in my old PJs shared.

'Stop acting up for the camera' ..? I was driving. She was in the backseat. I didn't know she'd recorded or shard the daft singing until our friends mentioned it. We hadn't agreed to it or it being shared. I think that is the problem.

I do not want to be filmed secretly or not, my child does not film

But if a person is happy to be filmed it is still not permissible to make it public but to some people that it was it means

So I feel it's safer not to be filmed in the first place

If my child did keep on sharing after I said no multiple times I would film them and 'share it' as in pretent to to make them realise what it feels like, so they understand not as a joke thing

Tell her you don’t give permission for her to share any photos/videos of you with anyone, or put them on social media. Mine are 24 and 19 and we ask each other if we want to post/share anything that includes each other, it’s basic manners these days.

Your DD is showing you a lack of respect if you've tried speaking to her about it and she hasn't taken heed.

Have another conversation with her but this time, be very clear -

You do not want her taking photographs and videos of you without your knowledge or consent.

She is not to share any photographs or videos of you without your knowledge of consent.

Tell her that you feel uncomfortable and that your privacy is being invaded. Ask her, how would she like it if her friends at uni took photos and videos of her doing things she perceived to be embarrassing and shared it around all their friends?

@blipclip it's definitely a hard one - I think if you're comfortable with recording for private family use but not for sharing, it's as PP said it should be the norm to ask before sharing, it is basic manners!

My sister went through a phase of sharing everything on Instagram, it took a while to sink in why we might not like it. She does cringe looking back on it!

The answer is in your own hands ; every time she starts recording say " Oh FF sake DD I've asked you NOT to spread our life to every tom dick and harry, I'm really sick of (DD's F name) passing it around to her parents as if we're a circus act for their entertainment. It's an invasion of our privacy. "

Make it far too embarrassing for either girl to share.

I had this but in reverse. My mother was close friends with the mother of my close friend. My friend and I discussed between us how it was quite horrible. Gossip meant that my teenage drama became known to my friend; I knew stuff I didn’t want or need to know about my friend’s family life too.

My friend and I talked about it between ourselves and agreed that our mothers were being disrespectful to us; try as we might though we never managed to stop them. Parenting is hard though and I think as teenagers we could not see how much our mothers were supporting each other. Their mistake was the relaying of the burdens back down to their children. Perhaps they hoped my friend and I could help each other? I’ve no idea really, our issues were different.

As it happens the pattern continues to this day, causing various problems.

Perhaps you could draw from this experience, and speak to your friend about how much you dislike the leaky nature of social media these days. If your friend feels the same as you, you could try jointly explaining to your daughters how you feel and letting them speak too, and seeing if you can reach a resolution that makes sense to all of you. For example, off the top of my head, a joint WhatsApp group for your two families and an agreement not to post stuff to public social media.

I get the sense this will be easier if you approach the problem considering the feelings of all parties.

I’m appalled that she would share videos of you without your permission and also when you’ve specifically told her it too!

You need to have a very serious chat with her, tell her how serious you are about this, point out this is now a Principles thing. You’ve explicitly told her not to do this and she’s continuing, you feel you can’t trust her. There’s a total lack of repeat here.

I’d tell her that if you find out she’s done it again you will ban her from using her phone in your house, other than in her bedroom.

Should add that this is really a life long lesson DD needs to learn. She may well end up in real trouble if she does not learn to listen to people’s boundaries.

I'd be having massive conversations about consent.