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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

What would you do?

6 replies

stillstanding51 · 17/12/2022 18:33

My 23y ds works long shifts in a pub kitchen, often not home till midnight He then drinks alcohol until the early hours, cooks up food and leaves the kitchen in a mess, and then generally plays video games until he’s tired enough to fall asleep. At least this is what he says. He drinks every day
His room is disgusting, Beer cans, food wrappers, takeaway cartons and filthy plates, glasses and the like
clothes are strewn across the floor and he’s sleeping on filthy bedding because he won’t let me in to change it
you get the picture!

Last night after work he went out, he woke us with his stumbling about at 4.30am He was completely off his face on alcohol. He’d also managed to knock a hole in the plasterboard awaiting decoration.

My o/h went completely berserk at him, threatening to kick him out if he doesn’t sort himself out. Starting with cleaning his room
We need a tradesman to come in urgently for electrical work but I’m worried he might need access to the room
Since he’s come home he’s not come out of his room. He’s obviously got a stinking hangover. When I called through to see what he was doing he just shouted at me and said ‘next time he’d drink himself to death’ and that would make me happy. He’s really not in a good place, he’s also not a pleasant person to be around mostly.

The previous night though he told me he’d been chatting to a homeless guy and given him money to get a hotel room so he has a kind heart underneath all the anger and apathy
Im early 60’s and his father is older
we don’t need this but I also don’t need to be worrying if we did evict him.
we had threats of suicide when he was younger and struggling with college. He had a uni place but turned it down days before he was due to start
I’m sure he needs help and purpose in his life but at 23 but we are at our wits end

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 17/12/2022 18:36

So he needs help with his mental health. He’s got a serious alcohol problem and he threatens suicide. Talk kindly to him about supporting him to get help. He could start with the GP or an addiction support organisation, or you could help him look for counselling.
Kind but firm, he needs to seek help for his sake but for the sake of the family as well.

stillstanding51 · 17/12/2022 19:20

We saw a GP when he was about 16 and he was offered Antidepressants but he refused to take them
Im concerned but every time I’ve tried to talk to him he just tells me to shut up and gets angry and dismissive
He gets up minutes before he leaves for work and then we are in bed when he comes home
I wonder if I wrote him a letter….

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 17/12/2022 21:02

Yes a letter is worth a try, or an email, with links to organisations that might help him? I would also recommend some tough love. Make it clear you love him and will support him in addressing his issues, but unless he actually engages with getting that help then he will have to look for somewhere else to live.

PritiPatelsMaker · 21/12/2022 07:14

All of that is so difficult @stillstanding51. Have you had the chance to write or talk to him yet? Is there somebody he trusts that could talk to him like a sibling or Aunt/Uncle?

lifeinthehills · 21/12/2022 07:17

It sounds like he need support with his mental health.

Nimbostratus100 · 21/12/2022 07:23

He is working unsociable hours in a badly paid ob. Does he have friends there? Is there anything keeping him there? That might be a place to start - telling him you are worried about his long term future and are prepared to help and support him with more training and a better job?

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