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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Lost & unemployed 26 year old brother

18 replies

TayEl90 · 08/11/2022 09:07

Hello

I’m writing this as my mum is at her wits end with how to help my brother.

He is almost 27 years old and has been unemployed for just over a year now. He dropped out of uni due to mental health and had a job for a few years. He then left his job due to stress during the pandemic which we all supported as he was struggling terribly with anxiety from it.
The plan was for him to take a few months to get himself in a better mental state and then figure out what he wanted to do next career wise. It’s now been over a year and he is still unemployed and spends everyday at home, mainly in his bedroom alone.

He has always struggled a lot with self confidence and social situations and I have noticed how much he relies on alcohol when he does have to be in social situations (cant seem to just have a few drinks and always get plastered then becomes a bit of a loud aggressive drunk).

My parents don’t want to push him too much due to his mental health but also can’t see an end to this cycle of a non life that he’s currently leading.

He has a few friends that he sees occasionally but generally seems content in his life cooped up at home (but I do wonder if he actually is as it must be depressing).

I think he needs to have some kind of therapy or counselling to get some confidence to go back into the world of work but he is so hard to talk to it seems almost impossible to suggest this. He can be hard to have a conversation with in general and even more so if it’s a topic he doesn’t want to talk about ie counselling / a job he will just grumble and go back up to his room.

Any advice would be appreciated as we worry everyday about him and how long this will go on for. I feel sorry for him and want nothing more than him to live and enjoy his life without the constant anxiety and bad self esteem that he battles with everyday.

OP posts:
TayEl90 · 08/11/2022 09:09

I meant to add if anyone has any recommendations of online counselling or whether this is something that is provided via the NHS it would be great to hear about others experience

OP posts:
Grrrpredictivetex · 08/11/2022 10:49

Sorry no advice but am interested in any thoughts as we too have a family member in very similar circumstances. Very worrying as don't know what to do for the best, but also realise this can't go on infinitely.

TayEl90 · 08/11/2022 15:18

Sorry to hear that you’re going through a similar situation. We are actually looking into a self referral for an online therapist through the NHS and are going to suggest this to him to help with the mental health side of things.

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PritiPatelsMaker · 08/11/2022 19:22

Unfortunately unless he wants to change I think that you're going to find it difficult to get him to engage with any Counselling.

Have you tried getting him out, just you and him, maybe over a coffee and telling him how worried you are?

antipodeancanary · 08/11/2022 22:34

Might he have any interest in exercise/fitness? Might someone get him a gym membership for Christmas and even go with him initially. Even getting out each day for a walk would be good. I remember dragging my newly divorced brother out for walks when he was very low. It gets endorphins flowing, helps sleep patterns and is free. Does he game? I took it up specifically so I could join him in some online rampages. We got quite good! Could your parents invent something he needs to help them with? Clean out the gutters, choose a computer for them, cut Nans lawn, something to give him a purpose and take it from there.

redmapleleaves1 · 13/11/2022 19:27

My DS (then 19) was in this situation 18 months ago. He got helpful support via GP, referral to local mental health crisis team, half hour phone check ins with them, which encouraged him to re establish links with friends, which then changed things dramatically over several months. It was all really worrying, but from his experience, even one thing changing made a big difference.

I'd suggest encouraging him to go to GP (might he be willing for you to be on the call too, having discussed the situation beforehand and agreed what might be said, so he doesn't minimise things?)

doit.life/discover is a great website with over a million volunteering opportunities, searchable round your postcode. Often they are far more creative options than people might imagine. You might have a look yourself and see if there might be a few options (there are also Do it from home options you can search on) he might potentially be interested in. It sounds a bit like he has lost confidence?

You might look too at MIND in your local area (they might offer employment support), and if he has diagnosis of a mental health condition, googling Independent Placement Service for your NHS trust www.centreformentalhealth.org.uk/what-ips. If they are offered in your area, these offer excellent support into employment with very good outcomes. Similarly Access to Work www.gov.uk/access-to-work and www.mentalhealthatwork.org.uk/resource/remploys-workplace-mental-health-support-service/ can offer good support on the work side.

Good luck.

PritiPatelsMaker · 13/11/2022 20:40

So glad your DB managed to turn things around red Flowers

TayEl90 · 13/11/2022 22:33

Thank you this is all so helpful!

so glad to hear that your son has found his feet again

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Onceuponawhileago · 13/11/2022 22:45

That was my friends brother exactly as you have described him. In 2019. Its now 2022 and he is still there. Total waste of a life. Parents afraid to push for him to adult up....If it were my kid I'd give a timeline, arrange accomodation and support and work on an exit plan. He is holding them to ransom.

PritiPatelsMaker · 27/11/2022 19:49

Just wondering how everything is now @TayEl90

Has there been any progress?

Nospringchickendipper · 08/12/2022 11:05

Onceuponawhileago · 13/11/2022 22:45

That was my friends brother exactly as you have described him. In 2019. Its now 2022 and he is still there. Total waste of a life. Parents afraid to push for him to adult up....If it were my kid I'd give a timeline, arrange accomodation and support and work on an exit plan. He is holding them to ransom.

It is easy to say this until it happens to you son or daughter.
We are going through this with our son. Anxiety is now turning to depression and I’m not surprised.
My thoughts are with any parents going through this. It heartbreaking and really difficult to live with.

TruestRepairman · 08/12/2022 11:49

He is holding them to ransom.

See, I think you're seeing a negative intent there which may or may not be the case.

I don't know what the answer is, but I have a lot of sympathy for young people in this situation, because I was similar after I finished university. I just drifted because I had no idea what to do or how to figure out what I even could do. I think if you're someone with drive it might be hard or impossible to understand, but it's an awful situation to be in.

I hope he finds his way.

TayEl90 · 08/12/2022 14:56

Hello, so my mum ended writing him a letter as it was hard to get him to listen in person. She just expressed how much she loves and cares for him but also worries about this continuing and that something has to change (and lots of other stuff but along those lines). The following week he started to apply for temp roles in admin and now has a job to start in the new year! It’s only a contract role which I think he is pleased about as it takes the pressure off it being his “long term career” and it also offers agile working which we hope will be good to ease him back into the working world / socialising again. Thanks for all your suggestions. My mum did also suggest supporting him in getting help for his anxiety but he didn’t really comment on this, but maybe it’s help he will accept one day and at least knows the support is there from his family. Fingers crossed he enjoys his new job and gets new lease of life from it. Sending love to others with loved ones going through the same

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TayEl90 · 08/12/2022 14:58

I agree with you. “Tough love” is not always the answer when a person is struggling. I hope that your son can find his way. My mum and I did discover that the NHS offers online counselling to people struggling with these issues so it may be something you could look into for your son? We haven’t gone down that route yet as my brother didn’t seem to want to but it’s good to know it’s a tool there in the future

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redmapleleaves1 · 08/12/2022 15:02

Brilliant news @TayEl90 thank you so much for the update. Step by step :)

Your brother might be interested in www.anxietyuk.org.uk/ too? They have a helpline, and volunteering opportunities and a user group which informs their work. Lots of opportunities including for high quality engagement if he were wanting.

TayEl90 · 08/12/2022 15:06

Thanks so much I will bare this in mind. And yes one day at a time! I think he is very anxious to start but also looking forward to it and earning his own money again. I think his last job which made his mental health decline rapidly has scarred him a bit but fingers crossed this one is a lot less pressured and he will cope fine :)

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PritiPatelsMaker · 08/12/2022 19:05

That's a great update @TayEl90. It must have taken a lot of strength for your DM to sit down and write the letter and it sounds as if she's had some success Flowers

3beesinmybonnet · 08/12/2022 20:33

Years ago I went to the GP because of work related anxiety and he told me that he had more patients asking for help with anxiety than any other single issue, so maybe tell your DB he is far from alone in struggling with this, its just that often people dont talk about it.
Also he may be horrified at the idea of counselling if he has social anxiety. From reading other threads I think anti anxiety meds have come a long way and can be started at a very low dose. Maybe he would be more open to this. It could be worth having a look through the Mental Health boards on here.
I hope his new job goes well OP, and btw you sound a lovely caring sister.

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