Adult daughter being passive aggressive?

[Ritascornershop]

My daughter (who is almost 30) reposts things daily on social media about overcoming a terrible childhood, having no one who really listens to her (her partner is wonderful and very kind, so I suspect he listens to her just fine), how hurtful it is that the people who should love her most don’t, being raised by toxic parents etc!

And I find it hurtful and embarrassing. Her dad and I separated and divorced when she was 8, and I had custody though she and her sibling (who has zero complaints about me as a mum) would stay with him about 3 nights a month (when he didn’t cancel). He was emotionally abusive, just a total nightmare, but I was always reliable, kind, supportive, etc. It was very hard as I had very little money and his support payments weren’t reliable. He criticized me a lot to the kids after the divorce. He’s now dead and she also posts about how much she misses him, which I don’t say anything about, but find a bit hurtful as he was so abusive to me.

Im not sure what, if anything, my response should be? She may be referring to her dad, or her idea that we argued (my recollection was that he argued at me, I was so beaten down I feel that I rarely argued back, but I’m sure I must have on occasion). She has, seemingly, zero comprehension of how much I carried as an abused woman. I do feel very badly for her and her sibling that their childhood was affected like that, but even one post about having had a kind and loving mum would help. Our whole family can see her posts and some of my friends as well and it’s embarrassing and I feel it gives a very untrue idea of how stable and loving her home was after he moved out. And it hurts my feelings.

Anyone else have this?

What kind of relationship do you have with your DD now? Is this something you could maybe sit down and talk with her about?

I agree with a PP it's definately a conversation you need to have with your daughter.

There’s a member of my family who does similar, I’ve realised recently that everyone has their own ‘truth’ and unfortunately you can do the best possible for your children and they might not see it like that, I understand it must be hard to see, I imagine myself being in the same position with one of my children in the future.

Oh that is hurtful, and rather immature and attention seeking for an almost 30 year old if I may add. I would have a word with her. Tell her you’d prefer if she spoke directly to you about how she sees you failed as a mother rather than slating you over social media.

I would be tempted to put 1 very carefully crafted response to 1 of her posts expressing your sadness that she feels the need to keep posting these things given the truth of the situation. Then I would block her so that you do not continue to see the rubbish she's churning to garner attention. I do find so called grown ups attention seeking on social media pretty intolerable though...

She lives in a different city now, so I can’t discuss it face to face. Honestly, I’m a bit scared of her reaction as she can be lovely, but she can also get very angry with me out of nowhere. We’re quite different in our emotional reaction to things. Her sibling thinks I was a wonderful mum (& I feel they had the same treatment, though she was a difficult teenager, skipped school a lot, did soft drugs, never told me when she’d be in for meals, swore at me and her sib a lot).

I wouldn’t want to air it on social media and don’t want to make anything worse. I love her and want to keep that connection, just if she’s going to put her emotional innards on social media it would be nice if she’d spare a thought for the parent who made all the meals, listened to her when she was hurt, drove her everywhere, worried about her, went to all the parent-teacher meetings, encouraged her … all the things her dad did not do and that parents should.

I’m sorry for your daughter. It seems like you have spent her whole life comparing her to her sibling. I think you need to call her up and listen to what she has to say, without mentioning how great her sister thinks you are.

@Blahburst I’m mentioning her sibling here (not to her) to show that the consensus that they had a terrible childhood is not unanimous. It’s her perception, on some days, which is a shame, but it’s more her airing it to everyone that I find hurtful. My parents weren’t perfect, but they loved me, she knows I love her, and it would not have dawned on me to tell everyone I had a terrible childhood (it was middling).

How about a nice message

’hey Rita I saw your post on FB about toxic parenting, is this about something what happened to you? Can we talk about it, mum X

Fair enough. I am not a fan of airing dirty laundry on social media and can see how it would be hurtful. I do think people sometimes do it when they feel unheard in real life so a message like the one above followed by some intense listening - even if it’s things you don’t want to hear - might go some way to resolving this.

Definitely disagree with airing dirty laundry on Facebook. This would really bug me.

My parents didn't split up and there was no abuse but there were other dysfunctional dynamics that greatly affected me. My mother suffered a huge amount but my emotions were absolutely put to the bottom of the pile. I went off the rails in my teens and suffered with massive amounts of anger towards my mum. When I was 29 I tried to have a heart to heart. I didn't come at it to confront her but to put it behind us and move on, closer. Bring things into the open, heal etc. We'll, she didn't speak to me for 6 months. Said I was a 'monster' and threw everything she did for me growing up back in her face. She said lots of unkind things and basically invalidated every emotion I had. After all this she added to the end, "but of course you can always talk to me about anything".

My point is, you just don't know what hurts someone is carrying around and whether they are acting out of emotional wounds. It sounds like you really did try your best bit please be open the the fact that she might be experiencing something you have no idea about.

I would tell her you love her, you're always here to really listen and if she has anything she want to tal about you will be there. But the Facebook stuff has to stop.

Even though you live in different cities be the one who is brave enough to bring it up.
Prepare to have a lot thrown at you. You don't have to respond instantly. You could listen attentively and then tell her you are going to reflect on it and will respond when you"ve had a think.

Does her sister ever respond to these posts? Either online or privately? Because I think she's the one that needs to talk to her and say "what on earth is this bollocks that you're putting online, because I was there and none of this happened"

But in her eyes it did happen, and her feelings are real.

This

Thanks all. I like the idea of saying I need to reflect and respond when I’ve had a think. I like to try to “fix” things immediately, so that would be good for me to take a pause of however long - though maybe say I find the social media stuff hurtful (I don’t think she’d care if I was embarrassed).

Her sibling finds her exhausting and tries not to engage too much, in answer to saraclara. She lies about things and so her sibling (don’t want to reveal if sister or brother) feels it best not to say things in case they’re reported as something completely different. It’s an odd (and worrying) trait as while I sympathize when she’s telling me about whatever I also never know if whatever she’s saying actually happened or not.

Well something felt different to her. The long lists of ways she has been difficult/hard work make it sound as if she’s very screwed up, and that comes from somewhere. No one is born into the world with those characteristics, just a propensity for them. For some reason her childhood, or her perception of her childhood, has helped them come to fruition.

It could be all sorts of things. No parent treats two children the same way, ever, and nor should they. Every child is different, and has different needs. Maybe you were so busy keeping your head above water, that you didn’t have time for the kind of support she needed when your husband wasn’t there. Maybe, as a way of getting through certain situations, she has just remembered good things about him.

None of this absolves her of the crime of going public for sympathy, or to make you suffer (or both), but if she has ended up with this emotional void that will never be filled, there’s a reason for it.

You would do well to decide if you want to know why she feels hurt, or whether you just want her to stop because you want to maintain your standing among friends, and your view of the past. I’m not saying either is bad, just that you need to look at your motivation for finding out any more.

If you genuinely want to know what she remembers, and what makes her feel so unloved/abandoned, then start the dialogue. If you are convinced that she is just being unreasonable, then leave it alone, and unfollow her fb posts. She won’t know she’s been unfollowed, but it means that you don’t have to react, and none of your friends will see the posts.

There will probably never be an easy end to this, and only you know how much you are willing to go through. Once someone is this way, especially if they end up with a pathological problem, it rarely gets much better. It certainly wont if you go in with the intention of showing her how she is wrong.

The problem is it’s her truth and she believes it. All you can do as a PP said is block her posts so you can’t be upset. Then you can build on a relationship from where it is now, if things are brought up in conversation they can be discussed. A child’s perception is very different to that of an adults. Conversations around single parents/ children experiencing breakups in general could be he’d, maybe avoiding specific details