mother daughter relationship

[coco18]

Hi, so I'm after some advice, i have always been a single mum to my 20 year old daughter. She got mixed up with a boy in her teens who turned abusive mentally towards her and once that ended she got mixed up with another no good boy who was involved with drug dealing and gangs, she confided in my a little but our relationship was never really the same following the abusive relationship she was in, I never allowed him in my home the new boy but then found out she would sneak him in while i was at work and go around his. Just before he turned 18 he stabbed someone and was sent to prison! i made my opinion clear to my daughter how i felt about him and how that is not a situation to be involving herself with but she took daily calls from him for 2 1/2 years from prison putting her life on hold. I would hear them argue over the phone and she even found out he was calling other girls arranging to be with them when he came out. We are both hot headed so often came to blows over things when i would say she should be out enjoying herself as only young once! he has now come out of prison about 8 weeks ago and she asked for him to come around which i really did not want to allow but gave in and said only the once as this was not something i felt comfortable with, he has come out of prison back to his old life of selling drugs and hanging with the same crowd..so she has since seen him 2 more times and it seems its on his watch never wants to go out for like food or drink or just a normal date and i can see she is being used and I'm afraid its also for sex! i have tried talking with her but it just causes an argument and she calls me all sorts of names. Yes i know i am probably being protective but its hard to sit and watch my daughter have no self respect for herself and sit back and allow herself to be treated this way..it is really putting a strain on our relationship and getting to a point where i feel i may loose her for good as she is often throwing up how she will just move out..i know she is going to have to learn the hard way but as a parent and her being my only child its hard to watch 😥

This sounds really upsetting and I'd feel exactly the same as you. Underneath it all perhaps she needs to talk to a counsellor. She won't be able to see it but could there be an element of
codependency. This man sounds toxic but what is it in her that is maintaining this relationship, does she need to feel needed, is he manipulating as gas lighting her, has she got an issue with self esteem, drug depency, is she really wanting your attention?

If possible try to build your own relationship, if need be get help yourself to help you communicate with her. Once she has that bond with you she may find her self esteem back. It's so tough, I had some hard situations when my daughter was that age and over time I realised she really really struggled growing up and needed me to reflect back to her all her good points, abilities, how important she was to me. That's what made the difference, try to only use positive language with her..eg."Because you are such a kind and caring person I feel scared for you when you maintain a relationship that doesn't seem to make you happy, how can I help...."
Sorry that's a bunch of blurb!
Do things with her, just small things but let's her know she matters, she sounds angry about something...

Really good post from Violet

@coco18 she's not vomiting because she's PG is she?

I don't think she meant physically throwing up, more throwing into the conversation that she'd leave. That's how I read it anyway!