Abused by mentally ill adult DD for years: can't take any more

[Soverydone]

Am a regular but have NCed. Please let me be sad and vent here. I have to be "the strong one" everywhere else.

I will try not to dripfeed but thoughts are all over the place. Have a mentally ill DD, 22. Diagnosed with depression and acute anxiety in 2019, but had been very difficult even before that. Got worse in the pandemic. She has had every kind of mental help; currently on Sertraline and talks to a therapist twice a week ( private). Her therapist has asked her to do a number of things which she won't do., like confront her triggers. She prefers to wait for the pills to do all the work and won't do anything to help herself. Sertraline has worked a bit but its not enough.

She dropped out of uni after 2 years. Fine. Took a year out to decide what she wants to do next. Spent the year sleeping all day and doing mostly nothing. We tried to be patient and waited for the Sertraline and therapy to take effect. She then decided she wanted to continue at another uni. Her exact words "I am really keen to go back to uni". We agreed. She has now decided after attending precisely one fresher day at the new uni that she doesn't want to continue there either because it makes her anxious. Her therapist asked her to stick it out for a month but she won't.

Now she wants to do an Open Uni course. Won't work. Won't help with housework. Does mostly nothing except sleep all day because she apparently can't face the world and is depressed, but miraculously perks up to meet friends. We give her v little money, but she lives with us, and we pay for Wifi and food. Her friends pay for her sometimes when they go out, or they go to v cheap places or she goes to their homes, so can't really motivate her by cutting off money. Occasionally her granny gives her money ( I tried to stop that but I can't).

She is constantly abusive to us. Calls me a bitch almost daily. Leaps down our throats. Yells and screams. Not physical but every variety of mental abuse. But she is sweet as pie to her friends. So I am beginning to think that she can control herself. DH is under huge stress and might have a stroke. I feel like killing myself. I have a son who has had no attention at all over the last few years.

I am so sad. I am so done. I feel like my beautiful bright daughter is dead. She used to be super bright and interested in everything. But now she is completely apathetic. Everything is "I don't care" or "I don't know". She looks to me to fix everything. But I can't fix her. I think she needs to fix herself.

I am asking her to move out. I will have to pay for that too because the alternative is for her to be homeless or live with us. I don't want to pay for the Open Uni course because I think she will drop out of that too. Please help me come to terms with this.

I think you sound like a great mother. It is very very hard to watch your own child struggle however you have done all you can to try and help her and that has not been successful.

you should not tolerate any more abuse in your home and once she goes she may well realise that she needs to wise up and plan her future

why do you have to pay for her? as covering her rent and bills will be a very costly situation

Do you have caters allowance and is she on PIP?

She could live in sheltered accommodation?

l was the other child in this scenario. You need to sort it for him.

I think you've come to the end of the line . You have to tell her to move out . Your other child is also deserving of your attention

She could claim PIp and UC. This would support her. You could top up if you want.

Living away from home may improve her condition. Has she seen a psychiatrist?

Therapy twice a week sounds too much. There’s not enough time in between appts to reflect or change.

Lots of people have mental illnesses, depression, anxiety, but still manage to function and live independently.

It sounds like she is using you to be brutally honest - you said yourself she looks to you to fix everything for her. Depressed and anxious as she is, she still needs to take some responsibility for her own health. Is she 'in the system' - in touch with a local mental health team? Has she seen a psychiatrist?

And she definitely needs to move out - having her own place might be good for, but regardless - you and your other family need her to move out before she destroys you all.

If she moved out and was totally incapable of anything, then wouldn’t she be in hospital or sectioned?

You must try. I’m suprised she can meet friends if it’s that severe. Sounds like some manipulation going on. Ultimately you need to protect yourself and your son.

I am very sorry you are in this position.

I have been very severely depressed and spent at least two years in bed, with the odd trip to the kitchen or the loo. I was so far gone I can't remember exactly how long it was - it might have been five years, or somewhere between two and five. If your dd is in a similar state, she won't be able to do things any differently than she's doing now.

I agree with the poster who said therapy twice a week is too frequent. There's thinking, adjusting, and often 'homework' to be done between sessions. Once a week at first, then fortnightly, moving to monthly sessions when you're almost ready to go it alone. Unless, of course, the twice weekly is preventing serious self-harm.

Have you spoken to your GP, community psychiatric nurse (if those still exist) or social services? She needs support - you've done it all so far but you can't do it any longer or you will break down, too. And you desperately need support - you've had a great burden for years and you're thinking of readjusting. It will take time and energy to get this sorted, and you will need support to find that time and energy. I would write it all up and email it to everyone, so no-one can claim they don't know. Ask for help for yourself, and for your dd (therapy, guidance, housing, claiming benefits).

I hope you get what you and your dd need.

Is a social worker involved? She needs a care plan.

Pl forgive me if I don't reply to all the queries properly. I am typing this with tears running down my face. Yes, she has a psychiatrist and has actually seen several. At one point I thought she had BPD but two psychiatrists said no, just severe depression. Also, Sertraline is the third drug she has tried and until a week ago, she said it had really helped.

So far, I have not claimed benefits. We are well off and I WFH running my own very flexible business. I didn't want to dripfeed but I guess I have. We come from a self-made Asian background, and it is v much a cultural thing to have very close family ties and not claim benefits ( unless desperate). Education is also v important for us. We can afford to pay for her room ( not a fancy one). But I will look into benefits. So far, we just assumed it was a pandemic related outbreak of depression and were sympathetic, but now the pandemic is over and we all just need to move on.

At one point, I decided we were terrible parents and I sent her for a break at my mum's house. But then she picked fights with her as well, and I couldn't let that go on because my mum is 75. ( She still gets on with her better than anyone and will occ go there to stay the night). There is no history of mental illness in our family and I find it quite hard to understand. Her psychiatrist says she resorts to sleeping all day as a way to evade her responsibilities. He asked her to follow a routine: get up at a certain time, shower, make meals, sit down to work etc. But she won't do it consistently, though she manages for the odd month. I tried to help her but now I am sick of policing her.

In re my other child, DS is 18 and just entered uni. He is doing well despite having had very little attention ( is a self-starter). But DH and I are totally burnt out.

I do hear pp with depression who have posted that this is all she can do, but I just feel that she needs to do something-anything-to help herself.

You need to gently tell her the party is over. She needs to move out and take responsibility for her recovery. You will support her with a room. I so admire you for doing all you have done but it is too much.
Therapy twice a week is way too much. I had severe anxiety, major depression and I just had to work through it,. self employed, two kids and could only afford therapy once a month. She is getting lots of support. Well done for getting this far but she needs to go now.

@ThisisMax you are absolutely right and I am very conscious that she has been very lucky and we have immense privilege. She is spoilt maybe.

The thing is in her "saner" moments she will acknowledge that she has made poor decisions and will say that she wants to make something of her life. She is academically bright; got A*AA at A levels. I know that if she drops out again, she will regret it in a month when she has come to her senses. She constantly says that she wants to catch up to her friend, who all now have jobs. But then the depression takes over and she is back to apathy.

Hi OP,
I am in an almost identical situation.
My DD is now spending a lot of time in her granny's house and moves between the two. She may be claiming benefits, I just don't know. She has dropped out of college. I am trying to prioritise my own health and wellbeing as I am quite burnt out.

I hope you can try now to look after yourself and your other DC.

Maybe there is a family member she can stay with?

Devastating to watch.

@Mitsouko67 I am sorry to hear that. Yes, it is devastating to watch. I am just SO SAD. The slide has been so fast. Only 3 years ago she was making massive plans for her future. I could understand if it had been drink or drugs- that would have been easier to get my head around-but she actually does not drink or do drugs.

She needs to move out. If she’s well enough to go out with friends, she’s well enough to take ownership of her own recovery. I say that as someone who has suffered from significant depressive illness.

It’s time for you and your DH to prioritise yourselves. Do not be guilt tripped into changing your mind. You would be doing her no favours in the long run.

I suffered from rather severe depression from my late teens to early-mid twenties. I managed to somehow keep it sort of hidden from my parents, until my mother saw my (quite extensive) self harm when I was in the bath. I can't imagine what I put her through.

Anyway, I clung to uni, I knew that if I deferred I would never go back. She needs to grab at it with both hands, particularly as she is bright, as it will help her get back to herself. I saw psychiatrists and had therapy for years, and managed to go on to get my masters and PhD. What I think was actually my saving grace was that I left home to go abroad for both my masters and phd, I sort of "found" myself, as cheesy as that sounds. I was absolutely terrified of leaving, I cried and I cried and I cried, I had panic attacks, but I knew it was for the best (and that I could come home if I needed to). It sounds like this could be a route your daughter could take. If she finishes uni (either an in-person one or online) she can move abroad for further studies, or maybe do a year studying abroad. She needs a major kick up the arse to get her out of this. Have a talk with her about the possibilities of this, or even just going abroad for a fixed period of time to work or study (she could do a language course perhaps, or intern in a lab somewhere, depending on what her interests are. This will not be cheap for you though, as this kind of thing will be unpaid). She needs to learn to support herself, that's what's going to get her through this. Good luck OP, from what you've told me I think there is light at the end of the tunnel, it won't be easy getting there, but hopefully you can. It's good she still sees her friends.

Well our job as parents is to launch kids into the world, some wobble, some fly off and others need guidance to tell them that their wings will actually work. You cannot foresee the regret she will have she has to experience that herself. She has clinical and financial support - the next bit is completely up to her. Choices= consequences and if she keeps choosing to not deal with therapists advice and your help then she has consequences. Work with her on a plan with the objective of getting to to take some agency over her life then she can decide on university as time goes on. You sound like a really great, lovely mum. You are doing great. I promise it will get better.

I am so sorry to hear you’re going through this. It sounds like a total nightmare.
Sometimes we become enablers without realising it or else with the best of intentions. By allowing your daughter to act as if she comes before everyone else, you’re enabling her to behave extremely badly. Time to put your foot down and tell her clearly you won’t tolerate her abusive behaviour. She behaves or moves out. Be prepared for threats of self harm and tantrums but stand your ground.
You have done your best and you can’t do more. Your own mental health is suffering and the stress is a killer. We had a family member whose behaviour caused her mother to drop dead with a stroke in similar circumstances.
Please make a decision to put a stop on all this. You have a right to a life yourself. People with MH problems can be just as selfish and nasty as the rest of us.
Very very best wishes to you and your husband.

Hello @Soverydone we're so sorry to hear what you've been going through. We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us, we usually add some links for support in real life.

Family Action might be worth a call. Please also contact the Samaritans, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, if you are really struggling it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

Have you had some counselling or therapy yourself? You deserve to invest in yourself

I have. Not helped very much. I find a run or a swim helps me much more, or a good venting session with my sister. But will try it again.

Today was just a really bad day. I am having so much trouble coming to terms with this. My heart literally hurts and I have been having panic attacks all day. The idea of spending the rest of my life worrying about her.... I regret bringing her into the world to suffer- feel like it is my fault- but I just didn't anticipate this.

I wanted to clarify that even when she does meet her friends, she says she is sad and i do see the change in her. But I don't know what I can do to fix it. I am a big believer in faking happiness until you can make it. But she won't.

Has she tried ketamine infusions? They are meant to help treatment resistant depression.

They do them in conjunction with the NHS in Oxford l think.

Also, sertralibe isn’t the best drug for treatment resistant depression. Chlomipramine, Amitryptiline or and SRNI ( Venlafaxine or Duloxetine) are better.

There’s also the use of combined antidepressants which can help more. Mirtazapine is often used as an add on

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow no she hasn't. TBH she doesn't do well with medication; she is very sensitive and it tends to knock her out entirely. She has tried Amitryptalline, Cipralex, and Paxidep. None worked or made her constantly groggy. I am terrified of what combined Ads will do! And also tired of this Russian roulette.

Sertraline appeared to be working; she did some work experience a couple of months ago and seemed to be looking forward to going to uni. But I think her anxiety is too intense for a medical solution; I think she needs to do other things to deal with it. She has had both CBT and DBT therapy.

I think I just need to take a complete break from her and her problems but so hard. She is always in my head.

I’m also ultra ultra sensitive. I’m suprised she hasn’t been tried on an SNRI. Venlafaxine did it for me.

What dose of sertraline is she on? Unfortunately with anti depressants you have to persevere. Chlomipramine has the highest serotonin uptake. It doesn’t really make you sleepy.

In cases of treatment resistant anxiety, lithium is often very successful.

I know this is a relatively old thread @Soverydone but I just wanted to ask if you had ever considered having your DD assessed for autism? Forgive me if I am way off the mark here, it is just a suggestion, but you mention "triggers" and that she has struggling with her mh for a while, and autism may only start to become apparent in some girls when teenagers because of their propensity to "mask". That is why she may appear to be relatively ok when she goes out with her friends for example.

Many autistic girls can be wrongly diagnosed with depression and acute anxiety can be a symptom of autism too. And anti-depressant medication doesn't always help. It may be worth investigating anyway as teen girls do not always fit the classic autistic profile which was originally designed around boys, so many anxious and depressed teen girls go undiagnosed.