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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

18 YO DD wants 28 YO BF to stay over

16 replies

Kiki105 · 19/08/2022 16:13

My 18yo DD has been seeing a 28 YO for about 4-5 months which I'm not best pleased about and therefore she's kept him away from the house. Apart from when I've been out and he's clearly been in the house smoking out of her bedroom window, stubbing his cigarette ends on the wall outside leaving a nice black mark and me having to pick up his cigarette stubs from the garden. I had a moan at DD about this and made her clean the wall. So already I've taken a dislike to the guy for disrespecting my home. I've had a text from DD today asking if I'll ever let him into the house. I've not responded yet because I'm finding it very difficult to accept. I'd like to sit down with her and lay down some rules if he is to come round, ie not stay the night but she'll probably disobey me anyway because her previous boyfriend practically moved in during lockdown. What would you do?

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 19/08/2022 16:17

I don't think I'd like that either it's quite am age difference, let him in the house "welcome " him but if you don't want him to sleep over then it's OK to say no.

Slimemonster · 19/08/2022 16:18

Invite him for a few family meals and see what you think of him.
Don't push your daughter away.
Best of luck

Mrsjayy · 19/08/2022 16:19

It sounds like she really doesn't respect you I would have asked him to leave

Regularsizedrudy · 19/08/2022 16:20

No right thinking 28 year old wants to date an 18 year. Keep the creep out of your house.

Thesearmsofmine · 19/08/2022 16:22

No I wouldn’t like this either. It feels very different to someone closer to her age. It’s tricky though because you don’t want to push her further towards him.

GlueyMooey · 19/08/2022 16:23

That's really tricky. I find it a bit creepy when a 28 year old dates an 18 year old even though I know she is an adult. I guess he lives at his parents if they want to sleep at your house.
I'm honestly not sure what I would do. Can you suggest he comes over in the daytime while you are there first so you have a chance to meet him.

I might just allow it though and quietly feel annoyed.

Thesearmsofmine · 19/08/2022 16:23

Also at 28 why would he want to stay at your house, surely he has his own home.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/08/2022 16:27

"I'd like to sit down with her and lay down some rules if he is to come round, ie not stay the night but she'll probably disobey me anyway because her previous boyfriend practically moved in during lockdown. What would you do?"

This prompted so many questions in my head!

Disobey - so you told her no. Were you not there to turf him out?

How's her self-esteem? Does she need to have a bloke in tow or else feel worthless? Does she pander to blokes to keep them?

Original poster

Kiki105 · 19/08/2022 16:27

He apparently still lives at home with his parents. She's stayed at his house and says she's been made welcome, but then it's a bit different for them, don't you think? It's not their daughter.

OP posts:

Endlesslypatient82 · 19/08/2022 16:28

“She’ll probably disobey” you?

well it all sounds like a bit of a shit show OP. He doesn’t respect you. She doesn’t respect you. And he sounds particularly unsavoury.

JenGin · 19/08/2022 16:31

I think it's difficult due to the fact she's had previous boyfriends staying over so the only reason you'd be saying no is purely based on his age, which is just going to lead to arguments about her being an adult and can have whatever aged boyfriend she wants.

I'd say take small steps. Have over for lunch etc and build up to allowing him to stay over if you get to know him and decide he's not all that bad.

Original poster

Kiki105 · 19/08/2022 16:32

This prompted so many questions in my head!
• Disobey - so you told her no. Were you not there to turf him out?
• How's her self-esteem? Does she need to have a bloke in tow or else feel worthless? Does she pander to blokes to keep them?

• My DS said he stayed the night when I was away one weekend.
• Her dad is not really in her life so perhaps this has something to do with it. Previous boyfriends have been her own age and she has had them wrapped round her finger so perhaps he's different??

OP posts:

Endlesslypatient82 · 19/08/2022 16:33

I’d hazard a guess that she is generally not the World’s Best Daughter, correct?

Work? College? Or dosses around with 28 year old men that treat his young girlfriend’s mother’s home like a slum?

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 19/08/2022 16:38

I would not be happy with that age gap or with him being so disrespectful of your home. It’s very off for a 28 yr old to be with a 18 year old.

However I think “keep your enemies close” might be a good approach her. Going in hard and forbidding him to your home might just mean she ends up seeing him out of the home, at his house and being reluctant to talk to you.

I’d probably calmly state my concerns about his age, but allow him in the house with some ground rules. Then at least you’d meet him and can gauge what is happening in the relationship.

Original poster

Kiki105 · 19/08/2022 16:39

"I’d hazard a guess that she is generally not the World’s Best Daughter, correct?"
Correct! She has little, if no respect for me. Single mum with no support from her father.

OP posts:

MilliwaysUniverse · 19/08/2022 16:52

I had a 30 year old boyfriend at 18 (we started dating when I was 17). My parents disliked him but allowed him to visit, and even brought him on holiday with them and my much younger sibling, with whom I had to share a room and I wasn't allowed into my bf's room with the door closed. I felt this was a reasonable compromise, although we found places to go and have sex anyway.

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