Husband and son at war what do I do ?

[Sparklysunshine]

I’ll try to keep this brief . Son is20 and until this week worked with his dad , an argument happened where my son thought his dad was talking down to him and trying to embarrass him in front of someone they both knew , my husband says he was just joking . Anyway it ended up in a full scale row with as far as I’m concerned both of them being as bad as each other . My husband says he is sick of our sons bad attitude . Our sons girlfriend has been staying over almost every night but to be honest I haven’t had a problem as they’re upstairs or sitting in the garden BUT they clearly both smoke weed in the garden as I found a few bits of evidence on the grass . I didn’t think I’d ever allow smoking of any kind in my garden but if I’m honest I’ve turned a blind eye as I’d rather he was here at home than out god knows where with god knows who . I had a word with him about cleaning up after himself and he does do it but with a sulky teenage way about him (which infuriates the husband ) anyway so now he’s not working for his dad his dad has decided to say he has two weeks to find another job or he has to leave and the girlfriend isn’t allowed over until he finds a job and is now only allowed to stay over one night a week once he has a job . Friends will be allowed over twice a year apparently ( as in over to drink / have music in the garden) I’m really not sure where I stand on the whole thing . I think my husband goes too far and every time he’s annoyed he adds yet another “punishment” to the list which I don’t think is fair and also he tells me this is what he’s doing and if I don’t like it then there’ll be big problems for us . I don’t like being told what to do , I am the other parent and I should also get a say in what’s happening . My son says these punishments wouldn’t happen if he went back to work with his dad (it’s true) but he’s applying for other jobs already so no way he wants to go back . If I stand up for my son there’ll be a big row with the husband ,, if I stand by what my husband says I’m not sure I’m being fair to my son? The atmosphere is absolutely toxic at home with this , I just hate it ! My son is 20 but maturity wise much younger than his years so maybe I’m giving him too much leeway ?

Sounds like it's about time your son stood on his own two feet. Your husband is being a bit ridiculous too, though. I don't think his proposed house rules will work, it's too controlling.

I'd tell your son it's time he moved out but don't impose too many daft rules in the meantime. Have a talk with your husband about what he wants his relationship with your son to look like in future. Tell them both that you're unhappy with the atmosphere.

Thank you , that’s really good advice ! Unfortunately I don’t think my son will earn enough money to move out just yet but it’s certainly a future plan ! Yes I’m also worried they are ruining their relationship with each other and frankly it’s not worth it ! My husband has a bad temper and has no limits on what he’ll say when angry , my son is a big time sulker and will sulk for days over something trivial , so not great when they are at loggerheads like this !

Is it his DS?