Mum dying, daughter leaving for Uni. Now what?

[Anonymum40]

My mum, who I was the primary carer for, had a huge stroke 2 weeks ago and is now being moved to palliative care - due to die in 2-3 weeks.

Daughter is set to go to the other end of the country to uni in 4 weeks.

My son is 15 and still at home (when he's not out and about which is most of the time), and my DH is currently looking for a job having worked from home for 3 years. Everything seems to be shifting... I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my life.

I work freelance from home and really enjoy my work but it can be sporadic. I need some structure in the months ahead. I need ideas... Open university? Join the gym? Volunteering?

Bless you you've had so much going on;
I'd wait until your daughter gets settled in at uni and until your mum sadly passes and not do anything until then.

Take one step at a time day by day and don't put yourself under any pressure

You'll find something to suit you when the time is right but I'd just take a step back just now as you have a lot going on.

❤️ 🤗

Good God exactly what @lastminutedotcom22 said, that's a huge amount going on. I'm so sorry about your Mum, I would hold off any decisions or plans for a long while. All I'd add is that I would find what is anchoring you right now and try to reinforce it, when it feels like the ground is shifting under you it's critical to find what's keeping you in place (sorry I know that sounds like a chain of fridge magnet quotes). For me it has always been my dogs, the routine, the feeding walks and all the cuddles, they're a permanent for me when things are upside down. I wish you well for the coming weeks.

I'm so sorry, that is a lot for you to be dealing with. My mum died unexpectedly about a month before my dd started uni.

I wouldn't plan too much for now. Like @lastminutedotcom22 said, take some time for yourself and see what you feel like doing, or not doing! Will you need to sort out your mum's property or Will?

Ha Crucible - I hear you! I'm terrified our 11 year old dog is going to expire on me as well. I'm considering getting another just in case!

Thank you all for you kind words. My dad died 3 years ago so I know the rigmarole ahead...

Oh bless you. That's a lot of huge changes all at once. Big hugs to you 💐

@Anonymum40 reckon there's life in that old dog of yours. Take comfort in him, they know when you're emotions are in turmoil and most dogs genuinely want to comfort their humans. Big ear scratches from me. X

Echoing PP, that's an awful lot to manage, take care of yourself!

Shortly after my mum died, I took up a weekly art class in walkable distance. It was just a really lovely evening where I had some quiet time focused on something totally different to everything else that was going on. It was nice to learn a new skill, I made some things that were in memory and some that were practical and some that were just fun.

If that works, is it worth checking out your local college or big high school? Some of them do evening classes and often start in September. It doesn't have to be art of course. It could be learning a language, dress making etc and if it's only one evening a week, it should be manageable time wise. I think it's really important to carve out some time for you

It will come to you, don't force anything but I understand that you might want something to look forward to or to distract you.

Bless you for all you're going through ❤️

Firstly I'm sorry about your mum. I am about to have a completely empty nest and I am sad about it and quite tearful and that's without grieving as you are. I can share my plan, maybe there's something in there that'll help. I've booked six sessions with a counsellor I've worked with before as I know I will struggle without my dd here. I've also asked my personal trainer to devise a nutrition plan which will support me and help me lose weight. I'm making a list of things I want to do with DH as well so we have things to look forward to. I am trying to embrace this as a new beginning of life for just me and dh rather than a loss but it definitely is a loss as well. Good luck.

Thanks Fanny (for short), lovely of you to think of me. Sounds like some very good plans there.

I'm now at a point where mum died 2 weeks ago so I'm planning the funeral between trips to Ikea and Dunelm for DD's uni preparations.

Meanwhile BIL has been discovered to be a chronic alcoholic so he is taking all my DH's time.

It never rains....

Oh @Anonymum40 I'm so sorry for the loss of your DM. That must be so hard

Oh my goodness. What a year you are having. Tbh what a month you are having...

Maybe not rushing into anything huge? When my dad got ill and died I actually took that as an excuse to step back from a time consuming sport I was involved with... that was right for me. I wouldn't take on volunteering right now immediately after caring for your Mum. You're clearly a caring and involved person - I wouldn't worry about too much free time etc - things will turn up.

Ds is going to uni this autumn and I'm thinking of booking a one day history course soon. So not an ongoing commitment but something that will stretch my brain.

I feel for you - my beloved MIL was dying at the same time as my eldest was preparing nervously to go to Uni and to cap it all I was thinking I had early onset dementia which turned out to be menopause 🫤. Lots of big life things happening at the same time. All you can do is focus on the small things you can control and take pleasure in small things.

On a practical note depending on timings / distance etc it might be worth your daughter mentioning the situation to her tutor at Uni especially if she will be needing time off to go to a funeral - early weeks often include important introductory sessions and these might be able to be rearranged if she needs to be absent. My eldest travelled to his gran’s funeral 3 weeks into term and his tutor couldn’t have been nicer about it