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What to advise him

stillvicarinatutu · 03/08/2022 20:37

I've been a long time poster and some might remember the trials and tribulations I had with my boy who has Aspergers.

He is now 30 . He's an amazing, kind , sweet live and live bloke .
He moved to China 7 years ago for a girl he'd met on the internet, and they married 4 years ago.

They now live in a very remote spot and since covid hit all his expat friends left . He works from home . His wife has never worked and is completely under her mothers thumb . Her other doesn't like my son and tried to get her daughter to have plastic surgery to attract a wealthy Chinese man . My boy has weathered this for 7 years.

He recently came back to uk for a visit home (due to covid he hadn't been home for 3 years)

In his return he got stuck - he cannot get back into China . They've basically virtually closed the borders .

He has ended up in Thailand . He is planning to rent a place for a year , has a work visa and could get permanent residency in 3 years.

It a couple of hours plane journey from China .

He has explained to his wife that he cannot get back into China and has asked her to join him for a year in Thailand . She won't go.

I've honestly never seen him happier than he is now . He is t in a tourist area , but has made friends with some locals - they're teaching him Thai , they put him up and fed him and fixed his motor bike as he had broken down . They wouldn't take payment from him . They use Google translate to chat and they've welcomed him with open arms . He's using the cafe they work at as his co tact address for documents. The owner is. French guy and his daughter. Her child now calls him uncle . He's there all the time and they seem a lovely group of people , and he is so happy . It's like he has come back to life . He's gone rafting with them , he does deliveries for the cafe , and he loves the culture , he says they are so warm and welcoming and since his expat friends left China no one speaks to him there . He can't even get a hair cut in China - they won't entertain him as a westerner. It's a tiny village way down south and no other westerners live there .

He rang me last night - he'd been out with friends . He is so sad his wife won't join him but he can't get back into China even if he wants to . His wife could go to him - but she won't . She's never worked - he's paid for everything since she left uni .

She's basically given him two options -
Stay in Thailand, have friends and see her sometimes when the borders open
Or go back when the borders open and have no friends .

He's absolutely gutted .

My thoughts are he's made all the sacrifices so far and it's not unreasonable to ask her to try living in Thailand for a year - if she doesn't like it she could go home .
She won't .
He rang last really upset and said he thinks his marriage might be over .
I don't want him held over a barrel like this and I can tell he's absolutely loving Thailand . He's got his spark back .

He's living his absolute best life - he's absolutely fearless and always has been - also extremely gentle and is loving immersing himself in Thai culture and learning the language, loving the warm friendly people he's meeting.

He's absolutely torn . One of the employees at the cafe is a 30 year old woman with a disability, ( nothing major ) but her family disowned her as weak . She didn't go to school . She sounds amazing, the cafe owner took her under their wing and she's flourished . She clearly ( from the photos) he's sent likes him . He really likes her - he said 10 years ago he wouldn't have cottoned on but he's learning! He said he hasn't done anything in terms of this girl , but he admitted he really likes her and they're spending a lot of time together by the look of it .

I just want him to be happy . Do I tell him to go for it and live the life he wants ? His wife will absolutely not compromise.
I thought it got easier when they grow up !

He's been so supportive of me when me and his dad split . He's a real sweetheart.
Opinions please .

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Kite22 · 03/08/2022 23:49

Ultimately it is his decision, and that is what I would be saying to my ds.

He has said to you that he thinks his marriage is over, and I would remind him of that.
It seems he has come to realise that he doesn't have what he needs from his life in China, and his wife is not willing to budge at all, so he seems to be coming to his own decision.

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TonTonMacoute · 16/08/2022 16:38

I think it's fairly obvious what the right solution for him is, which is probably to call it a day with his marriage, but I wouldn't ever say it to him.

It's a very hard decision to end a marriage, and you have to be patient with him. Just keep supporting him, listening to his woes and saying oh dear, never mind. You can only make lots of encouraging noises when he makes the 'right' decision and be very non-committal if he shows signs of going back to China.

To be honest I think the decision may well be out of his hands, and at least he's in a happy place while it all plays out.

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