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Help please navigate adult relationship
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princessjonsie1967 · 28/06/2022 13:38

Please help . How do I forge ahead? I have recently been made a new grandma . My son and his girlfriend have moved closer so that she can have help with the baby when he works . He works from home . They are now equal distance from her parents and us . They have lived away for many many years and have always been an independent couple. My mum is going to turn 80 next year and since the baby has arrived has spoke about nothing but her mortality and how she isn't going to see him grow up . No one wants to think about a time where their mum is not around but I hear it all the time , My son has asked me if I can message his GF and not just him so she feels easier about speaking to me and asking for help . Well that's the background .

We are going away for four days and my mum has been bugging me about going to see the baby before I go . I wasn't going to but I was going to see him on my return with a little gift . All week she has kept on and on about have I arranged a time to visit before i go ? I said I would message them and see what time was convenient. Remembering my DS request I messaged his GF asking if we could pop over for 30 mins for a cuddle before I went on holiday as my DS nan was nagging me none stop about coming . I confided in her that I was worried about her talk of her mortality as it was worrying me . My thinking behind this was she may feel closer to me with me confiding about something personal . I got a nasty message from my son saying not to use nan as an excuse to want to visit , and not to send long and convoluted messages and just ask if I want to see the baby .

Its really upset me as that was not my intention. I'm only trying to be helpful but not over bearing , there for them but not in their faces , not intrude on their time as new parents but also show I'm a n interested and present grandparent . keep his nan happy and let her see the baby as much as she needs

What advise can anyone offer as I'm struggling to find the balance . I always upset someone no matter what I do

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Ekerty72 · 28/06/2022 20:04

Gosh that’s a sad message to receive. How have you responded?

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princessjonsie1967 · 28/06/2022 20:36

I sent him a message saying that wasn’t my intention, I do hear about her mortality all the time and she does nag me about coming to see the baby . I also put I wasn’t going to come before the holiday but was going to ask when I got back and would the next day after work be ok ? I then messaged his GF and said sorry if my message upset her in anyway as that was not my intention. Would tomorrow and gave a time be convenient to pop over . They have both read the messages but not answered .

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quietnightmare · 28/06/2022 20:54

I get your intentions here and you haven't done anything wrong. They are probably really uptight at the moment with having a new baby and taken it out on you. If they message back then that's fine if they don't then give them some space. You haven't done anything wrong

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Ekerty72 · 29/06/2022 09:28

I don't think you did anything wrong either. It sounds like that was a chilled out and nice response from you in return.

I wonder if he will be cringing in the future when he thinks of that message :-(

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princessjonsie1967 · 29/06/2022 12:17

UPDATE just had a message from his GF saying Hey of course no problem see then " I'm going over tonight at 6pm . I answered back just saying great and did they want anything picking up on my way over ? any shopping etc . My son hasn't messaged me . I will just go over today and act as if nothing is up . I'm sure it wont be the last time this happens . Its a tightrope to walk . I think what's in the back of my mind is we had an argument a year ago where he said " I've cut one parent out of my life I don't want to have to cut another but I will "

Thought I had navigated the seas since the baby has arrived well but looks like I have choppy waters ahead I have to navigate . I never feel relaxed when I'm with them its like I'm always self editing what I'm saying and doing in case I say the wrong thing or do something that shows him up . One thing is I will never stop trying but doesn't mean it doesn't hurt

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AgentProvocateur · 29/06/2022 12:30

I find that a WhatsApp group that includes their (adult children) partners as well as them is a good way to communicate. We all use it frequently, whether arranging a visit or sharing a meme etc. Keeps it casual.

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Selinna · 29/06/2022 12:43

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I can hear how hard you've been trying to get it all right and I think that's so laudable- not all grandparent are so considerate. I think where you maybe went a bit wrong on this occasion was to let your own mum get to you so much. Okay, she's been nagging you, but in a way that's her problem not yours. You don't need to give in to the nagging. You could have prioritised the communication and relationship you had planned for yourself to have with your son and Dil, over your mum's nagging. If I were the DIL it would have sounded a bit weird to me too for you to say 'Well I wouldn't have insisted on a visit yet but you see my mum has been nagging me so much, so what can I do...' as if your hands were tied or it wasn't actually your decision. I'm glad it's all good now but next time maybe just tell your own mum to stop nagging and it's your own decision when you go and see them, rather than using that nagging as a justification towards your DIL as to why you have to come and visit.

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TheWayoftheLeaf · 29/06/2022 12:48

I think that was a very deep message to send as one of your first to his girlfriend.

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Shedcity · 29/06/2022 12:55

There’s clearly past issues here that you’ve accidentally triggered that may be worth exploring so you don’t keep having these situations. But maybe wait until they’re both less stressed.

I don’t think you intended to do anything wrong but also as the gf id want to receive a message saying you wanted to see my baby
not ‘Let me and my mum see the baby so she’ll stop doing my head in.’
Also it’s a bit ‘she’s guilt tripping me about her death so if you don’t let us come I’ll worry more about her mortality and this old lady will be upset about you making her die without seeing her ggs enough’
that’s all quite a lot of negativity in a first message…

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princessjonsie1967 · 29/06/2022 15:51

That's an awesome idea . Then there is no mistake over who is the one loading the gun . thanks for that

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princessjonsie1967 · 29/06/2022 15:55

Your totally right . My mum is on her own and has found that we all cave to her guilt tripping . Her favourite saying is always " oh well if you can be bothered " or " i only want to spend time with him as I wont be around to watch him grown up "

She can be very manipulative and as the oldest in the family they all run around after her . She is alone all day ( apart from the phone that rings non stop) and my DH thinks she is bored and uses these tactics for attention .

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princessjonsie1967 · 05/07/2022 02:16

Oh sorry it’s not the first to hos gf . I have sent loads before and we have met up on lots of occasions. When making arrangements I would go through my son and this is where he asked me to message his GF not him . General chit chat I’ve messaged her for years

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