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Dd living with us .. advise please.
10

Ginisnnice · 26/06/2022 20:22

Our dd has just graduated and returned home today.
I want to support her and give her a secure base to look for a job.
However, there is a but... since she has arrived home I can feel myself going into ' mother mode'.
Its like I know she is a grown woman , but I feel like the two of us are going into old mother and daughter roles.
I want her to be here as an adult but my maternal stuff is kicking in .
Any advice re this ?
It feels confusing as I also feel confused as dh and I have become set in our ways!
For eg at night we watch tv seperately for some of the evening and we both enjoy the downtime. Does her return mean that we have to now sit with her.? Etc .
Dh is able to compartmentalise things like he will go off for a long bike ride by himself and not feel the need to ask anyone to come .. wereas I feel I should include dd..
I am a little wòrried that my life is about to change and I need to adapt in my actions but also my attitude to my adult dd.. I am very much an all or nothing person and I feel that I dont know how to 'mother ' less in this new situation .. its not like its a treat weekend its ongoing.
My plan would be in a day or so to sit down with her and outline my / our expectations and hers...
I am feeling anxious .. not really sure why.

Anyone else in similar sitiation and what worked for you.
Id like to say that our life will pretty much carry on as normal.. but am unsure ..( our dd likes a great deal of company... she is the opposite of a room dweller.I dont want her to be lonley but I need space.( how to put that positively?) .

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Ginisnnice · 27/06/2022 07:39

Bump

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Orangesare · 27/06/2022 07:43

just talk to each other. Definitely accept that she is an adult and will do things differently (like peg the washing out in a different way) it it’s fine to say you’re going out on your own or you’re going to watch tv on your own for a bit of me time.
it’s an adjustment for everyone but I wouldn’t do the sit down chat. Have a chat when cooking the dinner or out on a walk. Side by side is much easier than face to face!

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Trulyweird1 · 27/06/2022 07:48

it will be an adjustment for both of you, I am sure. I had to go back home in my 20s for an extended period and after initially falling into our old patterns, my mum did lay some ground rules, and to be fair, she listened to my feedback.
So start with the easy stuff- what do you expect her to do for herself - laundry, cleaning, cooking whatever. What do you expect her to do around the house? Share housework, clean the bathroom that she uses ?
Do you need her to contribute financially ? Does she need/ get access to cars?
Tell her what you like about your life now - the time to decompress for example.

Just talk to her, but gently without too much emotion, and stress she is welcome.

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drivinmecrazy · 27/06/2022 07:48

No advice as I will be in the same position at the end of august.
DD1 will be returning but we're all well aware it's through necessity rather than choice!
We've spoken a little about it and acknowledge it's not going to be easy for any of us.
Three years went so quickly!
I really need my own
Space at times and find it really challenging when she just appears and sits looking at me expectedly waiting for a conversation to start, or worst of all 'what you doing?'
She'll also insist on cooking for us, 'great' you might think, but it's the mess she leaves behind. And she seems to find a way to make EVERYTHING into teriyaki!!!
But we will muddle through and find a new normal while DH continues on as normal oblivious to it all!!!

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NellNorth · 27/06/2022 07:49

Did you get on well when she was in school and still lived with you? Did you find her too clingy back then? Cracking on with your own life is probably the best course of action. You’ve done the years of frontline mothering, and now it’s a new phase. Plus, you don’t want the home nest to be too comfy, or else you get kidults who never leave!

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LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 27/06/2022 07:56

Been there, got the scars and the happy memories.

DD and you both need some new ground rules. On our part DD was working full time with a commute to start with so we agreed I would cook for her but she had to give reasonable notice of when she was in and out. Her room and her laundry were her own responsibility and how she kept the was up to her, no judgement from us. She didnt want to spend evenings with us, but she and I did have a set evening together to watch a programme we both loved which was great fun.

The rules are yours to set - remember she is an adult now, but may be in danger of falling into teenage ways if you treat her that way

DD bounced back twice to us - once after uni, then again during the pandemic when she was mid 20s. I actually loved it once we’d all settled down.

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collieresponder88 · 27/06/2022 08:00

My dad is 21. Different for us because she's never moved out she works and has a busy social life so she doesn't want to do anything with the rest of the family. I'm here when she wants to talk about things but I leave her to it. I don't involve myself with her life it's her business and I know she will ask is she needs me. Giver her space but tell her you are there when she wants advice.

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collieresponder88 · 27/06/2022 08:00

Daughter not dad !

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Ginisnnice · 27/06/2022 12:03

drivinmecrazy oh my you sound like me.. i also feel really discombobulated if dd appears when I am havingna glass of wine and really into.a tv prog and also sits and looks at me wanting to talk. Or what shall we do.
When i am actually buzy relaxing after work.
Its not that i dont love her dearly but i have got used to my own space. It will be more full on as she will need company after a full uni house and has never liked to be alone from being a child.( in fact some b freinds have said she can be claustraphobic. ) we get on but are opposites in personality.

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VanCleefArpels · 07/07/2022 10:40

Come and join us on the Graduates have come home thread OP - we are in this together!!

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