son gone off rails and doesn't care

[Devastatedmom]

I'm at my wits end with my 23 year old Adult son and hoping someone might be able to offer some helpful advice. He was a very quiet teenager with low self esteem, until he stated college at 18 and started drinking and taking drugs. Failed first year and insisted on repeating the year before dropping out. He has dyslexia but wouldn't engage with Uni supports. He moved out of home for a while and then came back after being charge for possession of class A drugs by the police. He has moved from one crappy job to the next and has recently while working away, been in trouble again with the police for drunk and disorderly and resisting arrest. He takes no responsibility for his actions. My husband has just read him the riot act about his behaviour and told him to cop the F on. I have now just received a text from him saying f**k us all and he's done with us. He used to be a lovely kind guy until all this and now I am terrified of what he'll do next. Could anyone offer any advice?

This must be so heart wrenching for you. I have two sons but they are very young. I dread the complications that will come with adulthood.

Personally, I would just text him telling him no matter what he does, he is my son and I will always love him. I'd also say it's very obvious he's going through some things as he's not been himself for quite some time. But, as he's an adult that I can't force intervention and will be there for him if/when he's ready to talk.

For my own wellbeing, I would do something to calm my nerves. Watch a distracting film, a bath, read a book, etc. Take comfort from your DH.

I hope things work out for you all 💐

Is it possible this all stems from a drug problem??

@HumunaHey thanks so much for the support. We have told him throughout all of this he is loved while not condoning his behavior. I look back at all his lovely smiling photos and my heart breaks when I see how angry and detached he is now. @Smartiepants79 it's highly possible this is all as a result of his drug taking, but we have tried to get him to do councelling/addiction treatment and he has refused, saying there is no issue. I know he can go weeks without taking anything, but when he does it all ends badly. His personality has definitely changed, but he wont acknowledge it. The impact on all of us has been devastating. His younger sister who adores him is so lonely without him in her life :-(

Accept that it's out of your control. You've let him know you love him and you are there for him. That's all you can do. Worrying does no good. It just takes away your energy and damages your mental health.
My dc are 24 and 27. They are lovely people but have problems that I can't fix. Occasionally they ask for advice about little things but mostly they think know better than me and I have to just bite my tongue when they are not receptive to input.

Hopefully he'll maybe have a wake up call and sort himself out. Xx

@JesusSufferingFuck22 You're right about the worrying, but it's very hard, I try and walk and potter in the garden just to disconnect. We had hoped several court appearances and convictions would give him the wake up call, but unfortunately not. He says he doesn't care.

I feel for you OP.
My only advice is , as per pp, to make sure that he knows you love her m and to let him make his mistakes.if it is any comfort, a huge proportion of young men who get into trouble do manage to take responsibility and get on with life in a positive manner. I hope that your DS manages to get through this

@yikesanotherbooboo thank you so much for flicker of hope, if he can manage to take responsibility there might just be hope. We will continue to let him know he is loved, even though he hates us all at the moment.

This sounds beyond tough OP, I really feel for you as I have a 23yr old DS giving me no end of worries, albeit different worries to yours.
You sound like a fantastic mum and hats off to you for raising a daughter who thinks highly of her brother. Like others have said, I think all you can do is let him know that he is loved but not his behaviour. Whether it's drugs or not if he needs to be told you can't tolerate it . Do you think writing a short letter to him would do anything? Even putting in some parts of your posts to let him know what effect it's having on others, not to mention himself. If he saw that his addiction was a problem and willing to undergo treatment I assume you would give him all the support you could muster (not assuming you will have much energy left as if it were me I'd be exhausted by now).
I've heard lots of tales on here where similar men to your DS have coming out of the other side and are now shining example of young men, hang in there, thinking of you and your family.