DD and needy BF

[totalmotel]

DD22 has been going out with BF for last couple of years. She is now working, he's finishing studies. Both in love in that rather intense exclusive phase of young love. Always together if they can be ... although don't live together they split their time between his parents and here during hols. And both live is same uni town. They met soon after covid so have certainly leant on each other but I've begun to get concerned about their relationship. Never possible to know what's going on from outside but a few things concern me.

• He is like her shadow. If staying with us he is attached to her. Follows her from room to room including standing at her side as she boils the kettle or gets the milk from the fridge.

• She was here studying for a week for an exam last year and he stayed. She worked every day from 9am until 6. He sat next to her on the sofa entire time. On his phone. Didn't go for a walk, go home for a few days, meet a friend. Nothing just sat by her.

• He has few calls on his time. Doesn't have part time job, hasn't worked in holidays, no hobbies, few friends. Therefore he is always available and always wants to see her.

• Last month he was upset and angry because she accepted a lift from a young male work colleague to an event. BF was moody and distressed . Threatening all kinds of things. She was also v upset and spoke to me about it. Ultimately DD still went to event and tells me it's all sorted with BF but I can't help thinking that's until next time. And she might modify her behaviour to avoid the upset. They are all loved up again and it's all forgotten now. She brushed me off when I asked about it and I suspect she is embarrassed and doesn't want to discuss it anymore.

• She seems to do all the planning - holidays, days out, meals out etc

• She does still see friends and has a regular hobby but increasingly it's just pockets of time because that's all she has. That's fine as long as she's happy.

• She doesn't really understand that we all might like to see her sometimes without BF. So we accept him being here nearly all the time she is.

If I ever FT her, he's always there.

If all looks a bit suffocating but she is happy. And definitely wouldn't see a need to change.

Don't really know what I'm asking. Would this worry you? Have you ever been in this situation? I'm not sure if I should ask her how she feels ? Try and discuss? I don't think she would see it, but it's partly I want her to recognise if things start to get worse.

Bumping for any advice - TIA

It sounds quite suffocating and I can understand why you are concerned. What about offering to take her out for lunch/coffee just you and her ? How would he react if you said " oh I'd like to take dd for lunch/coffee as i want her opinion on a dress/pair of shoes/whatever and it won't interest you BF"

This is very concerning op, he sounds controlling and has already been angry she did a very reasonable thing getting a lift....his reaction is not acceptable.
At 22 not much you can do, other than give her information and books on controlling men, show her articles on coercive control.
Can you book a girls only spa treat day, for an occasion in a way she cannot refuse and properly talk to her without him?
I once found myself in a controlling relationship and it started just like this, when l pushed back to see family and friends occasionally alone, it blew up spectacularly and ended with the police being called and violence towards me...your instincts are right.
Educate your DD so that she can see it for herself...
I am sorry and l don't want to scare you but there are a lot of red flags here.

I agree re the red flags and think whatever else you do you need to keep lines of communication with her open. Perhaps gently questioning how she feels about doing less of her hobby/seeing her friends will encourage your dd to realise that this is unhealthy.

I hope he contributes towards his stay with you.. Dd may pander to his every whim but you aren't a free youth hostel...
Start inviting dd to things for 2. You and her. Not a healthy relationship imo. Not even making a cuppa alone is bonkers...

Just curious that you say he is completing studies - so when your dd was working 9am -6pm was he also working or just sitting there ? Have to say if my dh followed me around like that he'd get short shrift - would drive me potty !

Thanks for the responses .

If I plan something, I can see her on her own ... so going shopping or lunch. But we would never be able to be spontaneous about it because he fills every hour. And she can't just have a night at home with family - he has to be there. He's literally always by her side unless she has something specific arranged. Has to be with her, even if she's doing something else. That's part of what I don't like. She has no "free time" so can't just accept invitation from me or a friend - as he's there.

I'm getting more and more concerned about it. She had another situation last weekend where she had weekend plans with a group of girl friends. A friend moving away so they had all arranged girls night out and staying at one of friends after as close to club. Then DD had to head off next day to get back for work. Before going out BF asked her to leave early, then when she said she couldn't , much to and fro via text to say come to his after club which wasn't convenient for her as had stuff to do at home in morning, then come to his next day for lunch before going back for work. She actually didn't want to do any of that but he was guilting her. It did give me the opportunity to ask her how that felt and whether it happened often. She says it has recently a few times and she was on edge of tears. So I was able to say that wasn't good and something to keep a watch out for. I'll gently find another opportunity to chat and keep a watch on it.

Worryingly he cancelled a plan he had this weekend with some mates to see her instead. They didn't do anything special but had he gone to it he wouldn't have seen DD this weekend. I do t think that's healthy.

I just don't like it but ultimately she's an adult so I can't really do anything. I can feel I'm feeling stressed about it.

As far as I could tell not working. He had his feet up on the sofa and looked like was scrolling his phone

He doesn't and I can't really ask him to - we are in good financial circumstances and would be hurtful to my DD if did that. Would be very obvious what o was doing.

But I think you are right about doing things for 2 ... it's hard to exclude him from family things but if it's just me and her it's easier. And keeps communication open. It's mad to have to do that but I think I will .

Is this something her father or other close relative can broach with her? Hearing this from someone other than you may make more of an impression.

Lazy and controlling spring to mind ... dont his parents expect a job?

Thank you for sharing that Rafferty10.

It's the escalation that concerns me too. It started very innocently - young love and want to be together all the time, now from outside it looks suffocating but she can't see that it's closing in.

I've read up on coercive control - so many of the articles imply that the man is doing it with clear intent to control. She would not recognise that. She'd say he loves her. Wants to spend time with her. Was feeling down. His friends are away. He's got a lot of college work etc etc. He's kind to her so she thinks all is good

Her father no - he's a fantastic dad but very direct and impatient about things like this. He's very black and white! But she is close to cousins and that's a possible route .

Yes that's what I think! No they don't seem to while he's studying. Whereas DD has always worked and lived earning her own money (although as said above we are in ok financial circumstances). It been great for her self esteem and experience to have worked over the years.

The above post makes me sound very judgmental... it's true that I think he's a bit lazy. But it's the controlling part that worries me. Being lazy just means he has no calls upon his time. And it's easy that DD can be the one to fill hos time

A very difficult one this! The last thing you want to do is push too hard so they “bond even more” together against you. Sounds as if you are being very sensitive to that possibility though op.

To us mature women this has all the hallmarks of control, and there’s no doubt about it, his behaviour sounds unbalanced.

However, I do remember back to university when there were many couples like this, experiencing the intensity of first serious relationships. When you have no family responsibilities and lots of time, it can all get a bit obsessive! And you might not be aware of the controlling aspect yourself ifyswim!

In your shoes, I would be putting subtle pressure on him not to feel quite so comfortable spending all day in your home sitting on the sofa while your dd is at work! That sounds rather impolite and entitled tbh. I know it is your dd’s home, but it is your home too! Any well brought up young man would be offering to run errands, fix things, mow the lawn, cook … . I would be “running in to him” a couple of times a day, commenting on the fact that he has free time, and asking him to do a specific few jobs here and there.

I’d also invite more people in to your home! I know this is probably the last thing you want to do - more hosting - but strangers aren’t required to be as accommodating as you are and will perhaps politely question his continuing presence. And he may feel less “at ease” in a home where there is a lot going on.