I am gutter to hear that my DS is..........

[OssomMummy1]

My teenage son had keen interest in chess. He joined in 2017 and took part in most of the regional tournaments although never won. I never bothered and I always told him it is important to participate and let the best person win it and there can only one winner. As a child, he learned chess form his dad and he encouraged him to take part in every opportunity and give his best.
Then came the pandemic when these weekly practise games turned into an online game. He used to play for hours with his friends online and mastered the game. The he started winning the tournament after tournament. Now, there are at least 10 trophies in his room, which were won between March 2020 and March 2022. I was elated with his achievement and which mum won't be happy?

I was shocked when his tutor told me that he has been accused to cheating in a national tournament where he beat a opponent from Isle of Man in the finals. I wasn't aware of "bots" in online games, was in total disbelief and defended my son. When the face to face games have restarted now, he is back to his competency of amateur days. But he still manages to win any game if he plays online.

His tutor spoke to me and told me about bots and how they can be used to gain victory unfairly over others. Upon reviewing his online activities during the pandemic and speaking to his teachers, he has been playing games online during online lectures, in the class room and at break time.

I am heartbroken and shouted at my DH for putting pressuring on him to excel. He says he has no knowledge of bots and only pays board games face to face. This seems like bad company in school.

I don't know what to do. I am worried that today it is online games, tomorrow it could be anything online. Please help/guide

Are you certain that your son is cheating and not just more comfortable in an online gaming situation? I would clarify what is happening before I decide on what to do.

Well, I was told that using bot to help win in any online game amounts to cheating because it helps in guessing the opponent's next move. At least that is what I was told by my DS's tutor. Also, i have sene my DS sit and watch online chess games on youtube for hours. Some Russian, Chinese, Japanese players are playing, giving continuous commentary but never show their face. Reassuringly, he is not watching online other than chess games.

Is he actually using bots? Have you asked him?

I'm a bit lost, is the concern him cheating or him potentially moving to other 'sinister' online activities?

So is he cheating online when playing chess or not? This isn’t clear.
How old is your DS?
Maybe it’s time for you, DH, DS and tutor to sit down and have a proper conversation.

Huh? So you are worried about him getting into sinister online stuff and not worried about him being a total cheat? If he excels at online games but is average at in person stuff that's surely a sign he is blatantly cheating.

Yes, I did. But he says No. But there is no eye to eye contact when I ask him that question, which makes me suspicious. Also, if he is that good, I can't understand why he is fumbling to show the same level of performance when he is playing face to face?

My main concern is cheating. but if he is cheating in an online game, my worry is where else could he be cheating? What's his future? I can never trust people who are cheats; once cheat, they will always be cheats, no matter which field they work in.

If he cheated, and I can't actually figure out whether you are saying you know he did or not, then why did you yell at your husband? Yelling at anyone doesn't seem like a sensible or appropriate response, but how does this amount to his fault. He taught his son chess and encouraged him to do his best is what you said. Well parents teach their children things, and encourage them to do their best. Are they supposed to encourage them to do their worst? Was your husband suggesting that he win by any means available, cheating or not?

You may be disappointed in your son - assuming that he has cheated, then you have reason to be. So express your disappointment to him, and don't yell at him or anyone else. If he cheated, there are consequences, and rightly so. Disappointing his parents is probably one of the worst ones. But blaming your husband and "bad influences at school" is avoiding the actual issue - your son chose to cheat (if he did) and that was his decision. Stop blaming everyone else.

Preparing for his GSCE exams now, sitting next to me in the kitchen, as I type this message. Exams continuing from tomorrow. Last exam on23rd.
DH has agreed to speak to him once finished his exams on 23rd.

Gosh maybe just take some pressure off him? I don't think he's doing anything particularly sinister here but of course cheating needs nipping in the bud asap

All you can do is talk to him about it. Is he feeling pressurised? Bored? Lacking in self esteem?

Hes young and these are lessons to learn

@OssomMummy1
Being a cheater isn't an irreversible condition. You can hardly write him off now. If he's cheated, being caught and the public humiliation may teach him a valuable lesson.

exactly. I dont want to come to harm and learn froths mistakes from past and correct himself. The pandemic online learning provided plenty of time for online exploration when we both were out working. It seems like both good and bad things have been learned. From as little as 5 years old, I have seen him avoid eye to eye contact when he lies. He would come to me crying and apologising until he was 12. This teenage is a worrying age group.

This seems to suggest that this is more about you than about him or anyone else. Let's assume he did cheat - you seem to think he did and he's lying to you. It's wrong to cheat, and it's wrong to lie. And absolutely nobody in the entire world, including you, have ever done something wrong??? Gosh, you must be hard to live with if you have been perfect for your entire life. People make mistakes. They are not defined by their mistakes, but by what they learn from those mistakes. If you are saying that you will never trust him again, and he's always going to be nothing except a cheat in your eyes, then I feel sorry for you because your relationship with your son is over, and it is your choice that it is.

Thanks Jalisco. DH is a clean and honest man and a concerned father; he doesn't have any clue about how bots are used to cheat and win online games. We both are worried that he gets into trouble if he starts using such means to get success in life. Last year, DH's subordinate's snows expelled by University of Bristol for plagiarising on application form. DH used to say, "i will hand myself if something like that happens in my household".

What is the actual concern? Your title makes no sense, and you've posted this in 'parents of adult children' but your son is a teenager? What role do you think the bots are playing here? Are they a program your son has coded to enable him to cheat? Have you actually had a discussion with him? Seems like this could be a teachable moment.

So why did you tell at him then? A lot of this seems to be about your issues OP.

He has been cheating, has been caught and now refusing to accept it. we can help him if he accepts that mistakes have been made and there is scope for change/improvement. If not, today it is online games, tomorrow God only knows where it will be? We are not restrictive parents. We are very liberal and give him plenty of freedom, free time and reasonable pocket money. We have always brought him up saying, "Honest is the best policy". Some of our friends told us that he is testing water, pushing boundaries etc. We are only trying to be helpful to him

You and your husband sound really OTT. Why not just call the police and have done with it?

Your husband will kill himself if someone cheats in an online gane?

I mean that's extreme. Tons of people use bots in games. I use an online dictionary for wordle. Lots of use in fortnight etc. they can't be used in proper tournaments but for fun games, why not? Someone to play against and teach you good moves you may not have spotted.

All chess masters study others games, that's normal.

I guess it's a mix of reasons people use to gain an edge.

I hope this doesn’t sound rude, but is English your first language? Some of your updates are a bit difficult to understand

DH is a clean and honest man and a concerned father.... DH used to say, "i will hand myself if something like that happens in my household".
My apologies if I am wrong here, but would I be correct is thinking that you are perhaps from an ethnic minority family, because describing your husband as "clean and honest" is really weird, and the only times I ever hear "clean" used in that way is when talking to SE Asian people. And committing suicide (presumably in shame) is an extraordinary thing to even speak about, never mind seriously consider, over the actions of one's child, especially when they are, if wrong, still relatively minor things. Getting expelled for plagiarism is not admirable by any means, but for goodness sake it also isn't earthshattering - and neither is cheating at some games of chess. It's disappointing, yes. It's upsetting, yes. It isn't a war crime though. There are many worse things than making a stupid mistake when a child. And your son is a child. Children learn as much from mistakes as they do from successes.

He has been cheating, has been caught and now refusing to accept it. we can help him if he accepts that mistakes have been made and there is scope for change/improvement.
I'm sorry, but you are yelling at people and blaming your husband / his friendships at school / random bad influences, and acting like his / your life is over and you will never trust him in anything again. I'd lie to you if you treated me like that!

Your reactions here are extreme. A parent is a guide, but you come across here very much as judge, jury and executioner. Perhaps he doesn't want you to help him if the price of that help is "accepting mistakes have been made" pledging that there is "scope for change / improvement". That sounds more like humiliation than honesty - "if you confess and list your crimes we'll help you to turn from this road of dishonesty and crime that you are now on". For goodness sake he cheated. He isn't a master criminal. He got caught and he's disappointed his parents. That's going to be a huge punishment for him already. Don't rub his nose in it. Don't make it worse than it it is. He is definitely not on the slippery slope to a life of debauchery and crime.

DH used to say, "i will hand myself if something like that happens in my household".

This statement is the most damaging statement I have ever read! Being a mother of a teen who's dad committed suicide...u would just say 'i would gang myself if anybody in my house lies and gets caught'

Advice for your son LTB
The poor kid clearly has so much pressure from you and you can't see it! What the actual???

On the other hand, hope you are not scared of heights. You will have a long hard fall if you think your teen is this perfect thing you expect them to be. Lay off him!

@Jalisco @Idroppedthescrewinthetuna I have a sneaking suspicion that OP meant to write that her DH said he would "hand himself in" not "hang himself" - let's dial down the dramatics.